Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts

by Carol Tavris

Benjamin Franklin, who advised, “Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward,” understood the power of dissonance in relationships. Couples first justify their decision to be together and then their decision to stay together. When you buy a house, you start reducing dissonance immediately. You tell your friends the wonderful things you love about it (the view of the trees, the space, the original old windows) and minimize the things that are wrong with it (the view of the parking lot, the cramped kitchen, the drafty old windows). In this case, self-justification will keep you feeling happy about your beautiful new home. If, before you fell in love with it, a geologist had told you that the cliff above you was unstable and might give way at any moment, you would have welcomed the information and walked away, sad but not heartbroken. But once you have fallen in love with your house, spent more than you could really afford to buy it, and moved in with your unwilling cat, you have too much invested, emotionally and financially, to walk away easily. If, after you are in the house, someone tells you that the cliff above you is precarious, that same impulse to justify your decision may keep you there far too long.