Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts

by Carol Tavris

Both parties believe they are telling the truth, but one or both may be wrong because of the unreliability of memory—which is reconstructive in nature and exquisitely susceptible to suggestion—and because both are motivated to justify their actions. Self-justification causes individuals to distort or rewrite their memories to conform to their views of themselves, which is why they can “remember” saying things that they only thought about saying or intended to say at the time. As a result, the woman might falsely remember saying things that she thought about saying but did not say to stop the situation, because she sees herself as an assertive person who would stand up for herself. The man might falsely remember that he tried to verify the woman’s consent (which he did not do), because he sees himself as a decent guy who would never rape a woman. She’s not necessarily lying; she’s misremembering. He’s not necessarily lying; he’s self-justifying.