Radical Alignment: How to Have Game-Changing Conversations That Will Transform Your Business and Your Life

by Alexandra Jamieson

What’s missing is not alignment per se—people are often mostly aligned in what they want from an experience. What’s missing is a shared and explicit understanding and empathy for the nuances of each other’s positions. So, conflict develops when it doesn’t need to.

appreciate that your style and needs will be different than the style and needs of the people you want to communicate with. Misunderstandings often arise when we are communicating in a way that is comfortable and familiar to us but out of sync with our counterparts.

If you want to become a great communicator, you should develop a few foundational characteristics:

Curiosity: Express interest in others and offer more of yourself.

Deep listening:

A sense of humor: Sharing a laugh not only helps people feel more aligned emotionally but also contributes to the lightness and flow of a conversation.

The steps involve simply asking yourself to clarify your own intentions (Why are you having this conversation? What do you want to get out of it?), concerns (What issues are you likely to get stuck on? What objections might the other person raise that you can think through in advance? Are there any behaviors to watch out for and plan for?), boundaries (Are there ways of behaving and reacting that you want to avoid this time? If you feel confused or uncertain about something, will you state your desire to have more time to decide? How do you want to engage with the other people or person to protect yourself? Do you need to get an answer to something this time?), and dreams (If this interaction goes perfectly for you, what will happen? What will you get out of it? How will your relationship be after this meeting?).

AIM works best for high-stakes engagements such as starting a team around a critical and complex problem. It also works well in our personal lives when discussing things like money, sex, and child-rearing at home.

The first behavior that predicted a high-performing team was equal speaking time among team members.

Defensiveness: We often respond this way to criticism; instead of being curious or taking responsibility for our mistakes, we go on the attack. “I was too busy to do it. Why didn’t you just handle it?”

Knowing, and having sensitivity to, what someone else wants is one of the surest ways to get what you want. In the majority of conversations, most of us are waiting for our turn to speak and only half listen. Do your best to truly hear the other people in this conversation.

If you’re feeling triggered or excited, it’s often best just to say nothing. Jumping in with your thoughts can indicate that you have a vested interest in what other people mean by what they say. Your job as the listener is to receive, not to guide, call out, or generate insights for the speaker.

Be especially suspicious of an urge to call out someone on their BS, as is common in personal development circles. This is more often about your own projections than it is about the other person. It will leave the speaker feeling less safe and you less curious.

A useful concept in articulating boundaries comes from the psychology of habit change—it’s called a bright line. Bright lines are easy-to-understand binary rules, meaning there is no ambiguity or gray area

So, we have put in place an agreement to pause communication whenever we are angry (A), hungry (H), or have had alcohol (A)—even a single glass of wine. We use the acronym AHA as an easy way to remember.

the biggest impact of relationships are the opportunities they present for personal growth.