Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

New achievement! Loner. You entered the dungeon without any human companions. Didn’t anyone teach you there is safety in numbers? Reward: None! Haha. You are so dead.

I stepped into the alley. New achievement! Fall into an obvious trap. Reward: Well, if there’s a heaven, and if you haven’t been too much of an asshole, maybe they’ll let you in. Because you about to meet your maker.

New achievement! You’ve inflicted damage on a mob. Hopefully it won’t hit back! Reward: It’s probably going to hit back.

New achievement! You’ve killed a mob! You’re a murderer! He probably had a family!

New achievement! You’ve killed an armed mob with your bare fucking hands! Holy crap, dude. That’s kinda fucked up.

New achievement! You’ve entered a guildhall! Congratulations. You know how to open doors. Reward: That sense of fulfillment you feel? That’s reward enough.

“Goddamnit, Donut!”

seemed the AI—or whatever it was that controlled the game messages—really did have some sort of foot fetish. It was fucking weird.

“Goddamnit Donut,”

“I’ve seen your pedigree,” I said. “You’re a few generations shy of nothing. Also, your grandfather was also your uncle.”

“Goddamnit, Donut,”

“Goddamnit, Donut,”

New achievement! You Monster! You have killed an infant! An infant! Okay, okay. Unless you’re a complete psychopath, we know you probably didn’t wake up this morning and tell yourself, “Today is the day I’m going to slaughter a child.” Well let us put your mind at ease. All children mobs who die within this dungeon don’t actually perish. They’re transferred to a holding area where they’re safe and treated nicely and gently until they can be reunited with their loving parents at the end of the season. Feel better? Good. Reward: These past twenty seconds, when your conscience started to ease? That was your reward. It was also a lie. That baby is dead, and it’s dead because of you. You’re totally going to hell. You’ve also received a Bronze Asshole’s Box.

“Goddamnit, Donut,”

“How is it you’re James Bond when it comes to strangers, but Miss Beatrice could date three different guys at once, and you had no idea?”

For this next one, the AI once again used his sexy voice. I cringed. New achievement! This Little Piggy Went to Market! Oh yeah, baby. You have killed more than five opponents during boss battles using your bare feet. You are making daddy very, very happy. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Shoe Box.