Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

Congratulations! You’ve earned your first achievement: Crazy Cat Lady. You have entered the World Dungeon accompanied by a cat. Ahh, isn’t that sweet?

You are so dead.

The two goblins turned and met my eyes as I flipped them both off. They squealed in rage as I slammed the door.

The advance team arrived in your 1930s, I believe. Whenever that book came out, The Hobbit. I left the last system and entered the prep phase in your year 1964.

New achievement! You Monster! You have killed an infant! An infant! Okay, okay. Unless you’re a complete psychopath, we know you probably didn’t wake up this morning and tell yourself, “Today is the day I’m going to slaughter a child.” Well let us put your mind at ease. All children mobs who die within this dungeon don’t actually perish. They’re transferred to a holding area where they’re safe and treated nicely and gently until they can be reunited with their loving parents at the end of the season. Feel better? Good. Reward: These past twenty seconds, when your conscience started to ease? That was your reward. It was also a lie. That baby is dead, and it’s dead because of you. You’re totally going to hell. You’ve also received a Bronze Asshole’s Box.

They looked like miniature, winged soccer moms.

The second tier of the Rev-Up empire, these Laminak consultants don’t need to speak to a manager. They are the managers. They run their business with a brutal efficiency.

Deep breath, I thought. You will not break me. You will not fucking break me. “Can that other guy hear me

Just remember what happened with Harambe.

Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.

“You called them velociraptors.”

New Achievement! You read a book! You managed to make it all the way through the first Dungeon Crawler Carl book without throwing it against the wall! Reward: You get to read the next book! And great news, folks. The next book has clowns and dead hookers in it!