Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

“I think I was saved by that damn pedicure kit,”

Outrageous

They’d taken some sort of cosmic octopus creature and combined it with your average, suburban, anti-vax, let-me-talk-to-your-manager mom.

The ultimate Karen

“I’m going to vomit,” Donut said as the floor heaved. “I’m going to puke on television, Carl.” “You’ll get used to it,” I said. “I think when the holo starts, it stabilizes. Just breathe.” “I don’t like puking. I don’t want to puke!” I laughed. “Really? I seem to recall you had a thing for vomiting on my pillow.” “That was different. I did that on purpose.” “I knew it! I fucking knew it.”

Haha

“… know you little cunts are gonna love today’s surprise panelists! Your Maestro had to bang some slimy mudskipper tail to pull this one off. But nothing is too good for Maestro’s piglets! Suck it! Suck it good, piglets!” “Glurp, glurp!” the audience screamed. “Glurp, glurp!”

cheesedick.

“So, that’s the interesting part. It’s a bit of a mystery. It showed up just a few hours after your interview. Nobody knows where it came from. But it went very viral, very fast. The quality is flawless. In fact, it came out so fast, some people think it’s real. It’s not… Right?” “Are you asking me if I fucked the orc?” “Wait, it’s a sex tape? With Carl and the Maestro?” Donut said. She practically fell off her chair, laughing. “And I thought it was going to be a bog witch that finally stole his heart.”

Everyone is calling the Prince ‘Pork Boy’ and, uh, ‘Carl’s Naughty Little Piggie.’

“Carl, darling. I can’t believe you hooked up with that guy,” Donut said loudly. She pushed at the door, heading out of the room. “He sure squealed a lot, though.” Her laughter trailed off into the hallway. “Goddamnit, Donut,” I said.

Lolololol

Time to pay the Daddy tax.

Amen

New achievement! PETA Enthusiast! You somehow managed to remove the hostility of an aggravated, non-sapient enemy. That enemy then fought against other enemies to your benefit. The ghost of Steve Irwin smiles down upon you. Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.