Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

My name is Carl. I am twenty-seven years old. After a stint in the US Coast Guard, I ended up working as a marine tech, fixing electrical systems for rich assholes and their party boats. I, up until a few days before this started, lived with my girlfriend in our apartment in Seattle.

Crawlers who choose to enter the World Dungeon must find a staircase and descend to the next level down before the allotted time is up for that level. Once the time has passed, the level will be reclaimed and all remaining matter in the level, organic and inanimate, will be forfeit. Generated loot and other matter that is not gathered and claimed may be placed in the Syndicate market.

New achievement! Trailblazing Crazy Cat Lady. You are the first crawler to have entered to the World Dungeon accompanied by a cat. You must really love that thing. Too bad you’re both probably going to die a horrible death at any moment. Or maybe not. Look at the prize you just received! Reward: You’ve received a Legendary Pet Box!

New achievement! Early Adopter. You are one of the first 5,000 Crawlers to enter a new World Dungeon. Sucker. Reward: You’ve received a Silver Adventurer Box!

New achievement! Empty pockets. You didn’t bring any supplies. None. You know you still gotta eat, right? Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Adventurer Box!

New achievement! Fall into an obvious trap. Reward: Well, if there’s a heaven, and if you haven’t been too much of an asshole, maybe they’ll let you in. Because you about to meet your maker.

New achievement! You’ve discovered and read an official dungeon sign. Wow. You can read. Whoopie. Reward: All official dungeon signage will now be highlighted and easier to spot. Nearby guilds will appear on your minimap.

Mordecai – Rat Hooligan. Level 50. Guildmaster of this guildhall. This is a Non-Combatant NPC. Hooligans are the smartest, fastest, and ugliest of the Rat-Kin race. While not as roided-out as a Rat Brute, or as Imma fireball yo ass as a Rat Shaman, Rat Hooligans offer the best of both worlds. They are physically strong, and they have a decent grasp of magic.

“That’s what I really look like. This is a photo of my brother. I was born a skyfowl, but I became a Changeling when I reached floor three of the dungeon. I switch form every time my guildhall is moved.”

“Guildmasters prepare for years for each new dungeon world. Kid, I have been preparing for this longer than you have been alive. The advance team arrived in your 1930s, I believe. Whenever that book came out, The Hobbit. I left the last system and entered the prep phase in your year 1964. I know this world and your customs just as well as you do. I even once got to shapeshift into a human and go out into the world. I went to a Blockbuster Video and stole a bunch of James Bond tapes. I was so happy once you guys started digitizing everything.”

“Oh, I loved that show. And as far as you’re concerned, yes. It’s a show like Survivor. But it’s more a Running Man situation than a Survivor one.”

According to Mordecai, I couldn’t directly adjust these stats. Not yet. I received three stat points every time I leveled up, but I couldn’t distribute them until I picked a race and class. And I couldn’t do that until I reached the third floor down.

We all have a wisdom stat, but it doesn’t appear on that list. It used to, but they discovered changing one’s wisdom greatly changed their personality, so it’s no longer adjustable. I do not know what this Billy’s intelligence is, but I guarantee his wisdom is not a 5.

Worry not about an intelligence of three unless you’re seeking a magic-based class. Your best bet is something that focuses on strength.”

“You might not like it,” Mordecai said, “but pay careful attention when I tell you this. Obtaining Patrons is crucial to your survival. There is plenty of great loot in the dungeon that’ll help you survive, but the best loot comes from benefactors. Patrons.

Lots of favorites will always lead to patrons. Patrons are usually organizations, not individuals. They’ll see someone has a lot of favorites, and they’ll sponsor you.

They sponsor you by purchasing boxes for you. There are dozens of types of boxes, and each type of box has six quality tiers. Bronze, then Silver, then Gold, then Platinum, then Legendary, then Celestial.”

I’m on an intergalactic game show, and I have to be an obnoxious showoff in order to get eyes on me. And once I do have eyes on me, I might get a loot box with toilet paper in it. Does that about sum it up?”

“Yes! But toilet paper is complimentary. Restrooms are liberally populated throughout the map. It’s the only place the viewer cameras can’t follow you.”

“Oh, I’m serious. The last dungeon Borant managed didn’t have rest areas, and the crawlers were pissing and crapping all over the place. Crawlers lose viewers when they’re shitting in the middle of a hallway. It’s gross.”

“This is an extremely valuable cloak,” Mordecai said. “But the shirt is better. Much better.”

New achievement! Loot! You’re wearing something you found in the dungeon. Reward: You’re now a handsome son of a bitch. That’s reward enough.

New achievement! Oooh, Magic! You’re wearing magical gear for the first time! You’re a wizard, Crawler! Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Adventurer Box!

Enchanted Crown of the Sepsis Whore.

Lootable Corpse. Bad Llama. Level 3. Killed by Crawler Grand Champion Best in Dungeon Princess Donut with an assist by Crawler Royal Bodyguard Carl. Poor Llama skin. Uncooked Llama steaks X2. Baggie of trailer park-grade meth X2.

The Foot Soldier skill increased the damage I dealt by kicking. The Smush skill was… something else.

The voice reading the skill description was deeper, more throaty than usual. I could actually hear him breathing like he was a dude beating himself off while he said it.

This place has the shittiest weapons.

“Do you hear music?” Donut asked, pausing her cleaning to look up at the ceiling.

Uh oh

Boss Battle! You have discovered the lair of a Neighborhood Boss! Put your game faces on ladies and gentlemen! Aaaand Here. We. Go!

The Juicer looked at me, eyes surprised, as if he hadn’t realized I was still alive. “I’m proud of you, bro,” he said. “You fought through the pain.”

You killed two mobs at once using only their own bodies against each other. On a brutality scale of Bambi to Martyrs, that is a solid Seven. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Brawler Box!

The Ball of Swine! Level 15 Borough Boss!

Also known as the Porkchop Express, the Ball of Swine is one of the rarest, most deadly battle formations of the Tuskling. Encompassing at least 30 Tuskling knights and their lady loves, a Ball formation requires a specific set of circumstances to create. Combine a gathering of Tuskling aristocracy, add an alcohol-fueled, sexually-charged orgy of war lust, and sometimes, just sometimes, the wild, ancient battle magic that permeates their war-torn world casts the spell, forming the ball.

“Goddamnit Donut!” The scene changed. I was being attacked by a pair of cockroaches while Donut watched from a pile of garbage. “Goddamnit Donut!” I screamed. The scenes kept changing, over and over, each time ending with me saying the same thing. I’d said it at least fifteen times.

Unvaccinated Clurichaun Rev-Up Consultant – Level 3 If you hear banjo music, run. Clurichauns are distant, hillbilly relatives of the Leprechauns. And while the Leprechauns are said to guard vast piles of gold, the only thing Clurichauns might hoard are Polaroids of their own sisters sitting on the can and questionable business schemes. This particular sect is of the unvaccinated variety. Don’t let them sneeze on you. WARNING: This is a fairy-class mob. Mobs of this class inflict 20% more damage against you due to your goblin pass.

The Taint. Having the Taint is like having the giggles. Or like having the time of your life. But instead of it being a good thing, you are balancing on the precipice of death. You may not heal your health using any method while you are inflicted with the Taint.

“If we die, I want you to know that I love you, Carl,” Donut said. “I don’t love you as much as I love Miss Beatrice, because she’s, you know, she’s my person. Or as much as I love Ferdinand. But I love you.”

Enchanted BigBoi Boxers. Have you ever read an Incredible Hulk comic and thought to yourself, everything rips off of his body except his pants? No way. Well, spoiler alert. You’re not wrong. Size-altering and were-creatures, such as the BigBoi are required to wear enchanted, self-sizing items lest they wish to turn the dungeon into a nudist colony when they transform. That means everything they wear requires an enchantment. Everything, including their naughty little undies. + 2 to Constitution Wearer may cast a level 15 Protective Shell once every 30 hours.

Protective Shell Picture yourself in high school. Now picture all the girls who would never get anywhere near you. It’s kind of like that, but on purpose. Cost: This is an item-based spell. This spell does not require mana to cast. If you unequip the associated item, you will lose access to this spell. The cooldown will not reset.