More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
Read between
November 24 - November 30, 2025
“And, just so you know, Grull isn’t a real god. There are no real gods in this game.”
“You said you worry that some of these bosses and mobs are like you, here against their will.” He pointed downward, indicating the lower levels. “That’s not always going to be the case. Especially later on. Remember that. There are no gods here. Just those who pay for the privilege.”
I picked up a loose tuxedo jacket. It was like a tent, and it was covered with blood. It smelled like hot diarrhea. I put it into my inventory.
I saw Imani holding what appeared to be an enormous strap-on dildo with two fingers. She dropped it on the floor with a look of disgust. Donut hopped over and took it into her own inventory.
“Oh, Carl. How is it I know what you’re going to do before you do?” she asked.
I grinned down at the cat. “I knew there was a good kitty in there somewhere.”
“Oh,” Brandon said, “and try to find Agatha if you can. She’s a crazy asshole, but she’s our crazy asshole.”
👀👀👀
Part crab, part praying mantis, part centerfold for Juggz magazine’s “Freaks of Nature” issue.
“How was that boob thing armor?” “Young man,” Odette said. “This gear you have now, this loot? It’s nothing compared to what’s coming.”
I’d been noticing that recently, that Donut could sense active monsters a few moments before I could. I suspected it had something to do with her race, but I wasn’t certain.
New achievement! Borough Boss!
New achievement! Bully and a Thief!
New achievement! Battlefield Construction!
For this next one, the AI once again used his sexy voice. I cringed. New achievement! This Little Piggy Went to Market! Oh yeah, baby. You have killed more than five opponents during boss battles using your bare feet. You are making daddy very, very happy. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Shoe Box.
New achievement! You found stairs!
Warning: All of these enhancements require you to remain barefoot. Why? Because you know why.
“Each of them has a clay jug of something called toilet-grade moonshine,” Donut said.
“That doesn’t even mean anything,” I said. “They’re just making fun of pyramid schemes. You remember when Bea wanted to start selling those leggings? It’s like that.”
I opened my hand, my fingers were covered with a lime green, oily residue. Warning: You’ve been infected with the Taint. “Fuck.”
I grinned. “I don’t suppose you have any extra torches?”
“You’re not going to break me,” I whispered. It’d become a mantra. “What?” Donut asked. “Nothing,” I said.
New Achievement! Wait, Bosses Can Leave Their Rooms? Welcome to the second floor, bitches.
“Shit,” I said. “Keep them away! I need to make a goddamned smoothie!” “What about the tentacles?” Donut cried.
“I think I was saved by that damn pedicure kit,” I said. “The table should have severed my feet right at the ankles. Instead it bounced off and broke my legs. I would’ve bled out.”
She can be very useful and helpful to you. Until you’re not.” It’s funny, that’s pretty much the exact same thing she’d said about the game’s AI. I didn’t say that out loud.
New achievement! Dungeonpreneur.
“This is just like that scene in season three of Gossip Girl when Chuck and Blair break up over the hotel,” Donut said.
“It’s a political party. They’re called the Bloom. Now everyone just calls it the Party. Ultra-nationalism. The closest thing you have in your history is maybe Axis Japan with a good splash of Nazi Germany thrown in, but even that’s not quite right,” he said.
New achievement! What goes up...
New achievement! Like a Moth to the Flame.
Donut had originally been listed as a pet, but she’d transformed into a crawler early on. Weird.
I grasped her hand. “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.” I remembered my mom saying the same thing to me the day she had left. It had been a lie then, and it was a lie now.
Donut: WHO ARE YOU? WHERE IS ZEV? Mukta (Admin): Your Outreach Associate has been put in a time out. She will return to you tomorrow. I am her substitute until then.
New achievement! You call that a trap?
I laughed. “Really? I seem to recall you had a thing for vomiting on my pillow.” “That was different. I did that on purpose.” “I knew it! I fucking knew it.”
“The tusklings are the rulers of the Orcish Supremacy. Stalwart and the Maestro are princes of the Skull Empire. That’s a whole different system. If the Orcish Supremacy is a child with a lemonade stand, the Skull Empire is the Wal-Mart corporation. It’s one of the largest and oldest Syndicate governments.”
“What I can say is that every three floors are the same setting. Sort of. The third, sixth, ninth and so forth are all linked in a way that will later become clear.”
Again, I can’t tell you much, but those floors … three, six, nine, twelve, fifteen, and eighteen, all come into existence at the same time. You can only visit them in context with the rest of the crawl, but that doesn’t mean they’re not being utilized. Whatever happens on the ninth and twelfth floors happens with or without the crawlers. It’s a game within the game where you are not the main focus. At least not until you get there. Sorry, that’s all I can say.”
Carl: Oasis? Where did you get that from? Even Bea didn’t listen to Oasis. Donut: NO MISS BEATRICE LIKES COUNTRY MUSIC. THAT’S JUST AS BAD AS THIS.
As Miss Beatrice used to say, ‘Time to pay the Daddy tax.’” “Wait, what? Under what circumstances would she say that?”
New achievement! I’ll take the ceramic dalmatian, Pat!
New achievement! Menagerie!
Male Mongoliensis – Level 1 This is a pet-class mob. This pet has not yet bonded with a crawler. The stubborn and hot-headed Mongoliensis is not the type of pet to ever be “tamed.” The best one can hope for is mutual respect. And even then they still might try to eat you if the fancy strikes them. While especially powerful, fast, and vicious when they are fully grown at level 15, getting them to level 15 is about as likely as a cheerleader from West Virginia reaching her 18th birthday as a virgin. They will immediately attack any mobs they see. They will fight to the death. Good luck.
MONGOOOOOO
“Don’t worry, Carl. Mongo and I are practically best friends already. Aren’t we, Mongo?” Mongo shrieked at the cat.
New achievement! PETA Enthusiast!
You will not break me. Fuck you all. You will not break me.
New Achievement! You read a book! You managed to make it all the way through the first Dungeon Crawler Carl book without throwing it against the wall! Reward: You get to read the next book! And great news, folks. The next book has clowns and dead hookers in it!
