Dungeon Crawler Carl (Dungeon Crawler Carl, #1)

by Matt Dinniman

I was also holding a crying, scratching, squirming, and spitting cat named Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk. She was a tortoiseshell, Persian cat worth more than I made in a year. My ex-girlfriend called her Princess Donut for short. I just stuck with Donut.

I never considered myself a big fan of cats. But, if we’re being truthful here, I liked Donut. That cat did not give two shits about anybody or anything, and I could respect that.

But tonight, on the coldest night of the year, the furry asshole decided to Lewis and Clark her way out of the apartment.

“Nor am I wearing a cloak that makes me look like I won a participation trophy at the special needs comic con, Carl. I’m a cat. Cats don’t wear pants. Don’t be so droll.”

Lava. The llama was shooting lava out of its mouth.

“I can’t control my instincts! I’m just a few generations shy of being a ferocious tiger stalking through the jungles.” “I’ve seen your pedigree,” I said. “You’re a few generations shy of nothing. Also, your grandfather was also your uncle.”

Take a junkyard bicycle, add an unreliable steam engine, remove all the bolts holding it together, replace them with chewing gum, and you get the idea. The preferred assault transport of Goblin Bomb Bards, what this contraption lacks in reliability and safety it makes up for in absolutely nothing.

“Did that just happen?” I asked, spinning to see if we truly were alone. We were. “Did we really just start a meth war between the goblins and the llamas?”

She looked up at us. “I am already one of god’s most perfect creatures, so I won’t be changing race when the opportunity arises. I was born a cat, and I will die a cat. In fact, I’m going to have to insist that Carl choose a cat race as well.”

Mana Toast. This is toast. It refills your mana. That’s it. Nothing more. Fuck you.

New achievement! PETA Enthusiast! You somehow managed to remove the hostility of an aggravated, non-sapient enemy. That enemy then fought against other enemies to your benefit. The ghost of Steve Irwin smiles down upon you. Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.