Outdated: Find Love That Lasts When Dating Has Changed

by Jonathan "JP" Pokluda

You can’t do the same things you’ve been doing, and the same things millions of other people have been doing, and expect to get different results.

That’s because any commands God gives us are for our own benefit. They are not at all meant to stifle our fun. Instead, they exist to point us toward life and help us avoid doing things that cause us emotional, physical, or relational harm.

The Bible never becomes out of date, because it is the truth, and the truth doesn’t change over time.

THE LIE: the purpose of dating is to have fun. THE TRUTH: it’s a lot more fun when you date with the right purpose.

The only reason we should date is to get married. We date because God gave us the gift of marriage, and we’re trying to get there.

if you are dating someone and realize the relationship will definitely not end in marriage, you should break up with that person. As in immediately. Otherwise you’re just wasting time (both yours and theirs) and unnecessarily leading them on. It might seem harsh, but it’s actually the kindest thing you could do for them.

Our earthly romantic relationships are supposed to be a reflection of, or a peek into, our eternal relationship with our Savior.f

THE LIE: being single is a waiting period for something better. THE TRUTH: something better is waiting for you right now.

Note the word choose. We have free will. In practice, the gift of celibacy is probably the ability to not be that concerned about getting married or having sex, so that you can freely choose to live life that way.

When you have a perfect Father—God—handing out gifts to his children, you can trust that he is going to give good gifts. As Jesus described in Matthew 7:9–11, Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

People waste gifts because they either don’t realize their value or don’t know how to use them. If God gives you a gift, you know it is going to be valuable. The question is, How are you going to use it? If you are single, there’s a good chance you have a gift that you’re wasting.

But while you are single, whether that’s for a season or for the rest of your life, know that you’re not “less than.” You’re not incomplete. Your singleness is not a problem to be fixed; it’s a gift to be used to live life more fully.

you’ll fare much better in dating and marriage if you live in reality rather than in a fairy tale.

The idea of “the one” can also cause you to be unhappy in a good relationship due to the unrealistic expectations it creates.

When they realize their spouse isn’t perfect, marriage takes work to be successful, and the initial spark fades away, they see this as evidence that the person they married is not “the one” after all, because if they were “the one,” the relationship would be easy and exciting and perfect. They become disillusioned and lose interest.

Real romance means making a commitment and then, once you are committed, sticking to it.

You see, when you marry someone, they do become “the one.” They’re the one you’ve committed to love for the rest of your life.

Love Jesus first, with all your heart, and then find someone who loves him just as much and marry that person. Or, if you don’t marry, you’ll still be OK—because you’re not looking for someone else to make you complete.

Marriage is a covenant, which is different from a contract. In a contract, both sides agree to fulfill their parts of a deal. If either party fails to fulfill their side of the bargain, then they have “broken” the contract and the agreement is no longer in effect. With a covenant, though, you agree to fulfill the terms even if the other person fails to do what they said they would do. That’s why marriage vows say “for better or worse,” and “until death do us part.”

THE LIE: physical attraction is ultimate. THE TRUTH: physical qualities ultimately won’t last, but you can look for character that will.

if someone will pick you out and pick you up at first sight, without knowing anything about you except for what you look like, they’re not really interested in you as a person. They’re interested in you as a pretty plaything.

Too fat, too thin, too dark, too pale, too anything—at some point, you would have been considered beautiful, and the only thing that’s changed is what the media has decided should be fashionable.

Look for a woman (or a man) who fears the Lord. What does it mean to fear the Lord? It means following him. It means focusing on eternal things, which are things that truly last. It means striving to see people the way God sees them.

Train yourself to be attracted to the things God finds attractive. Those are the things that will last.

Don’t lower your standards; change your standards.

THE LIE: you should follow your heart. THE TRUTH: you should tell your heart what to follow.

A healthy, godly marriage is not entertaining. It’s amazing; it’s beautiful; it’s an incredible adventure; it’s boring. You wouldn’t want to watch it, but you do want to live it.

If your relationship is based solely on feelings, it’s guaranteed not to last.

Feelings are also not a reliable judge of reality. I may feel that something or someone is right for me, but that feeling doesn’t automatically make it true. Facts trump feelings, and the fact is you can feel intensely in love with someone who is incredibly wrong for you.

And that’s love as a verb. It’s an action. It’s something you do, not something that happens to you. You can actively care for someone, cherish them as valuable, and look after their best interests. That’s a hugely important difference, because an action is something you control. You can’t always choose how you feel (although, through your actions, you can heavily influence your feelings). But you can always choose how you act.

Interestingly, when you actively love someone in this way, your feelings will follow. If I behave lovingly toward my wife, I can’t help but feel love for her as well.

If your relationship is based on what they can do for you (or what you can do to them), that’s selfish. It’s self-love. You don’t even love them; you just love yourself. Real love is selfless. It’s about serving, not being served; giving, not getting. And when both people love and give and serve each other selflessly, well, you end up getting quite a lot.

We have a model for this kind of love, and this model is Jesus. When we say “God is love” (1 John 4:8), we’re not saying God is a feeling; we’re saying he defines and exemplifies what love is. And the ultimate expression of that was God sending his Son to sacrifice his life on our behalf, not because we’d done anything good to earn that love but rather because we have all sinned and done wrong.b God’s love for us isn’t just a feeling; it’s the most selfless act of service imaginable.c

1 Corinthians 13, known to many as “the love chapter.”

Your heart is not just unreliable; it’s deceitful. It lies. It will actively lead you astray, if you let it.

How do you guard your heart? By being careful what you feed it. Your heart tends to want what you see, what you hear, and what you think about all day long. This means that what you consume—TV shows, movies, music, books, video games, Instagram accounts, Pinterest boards, whatever—actually does have a huge impact on your life.

What you feed your senses fuels your heart.

Don’t follow your heart; inform your heart. Teach it where you want to go.

How do you keep from awakening love before its time? You set boundaries. Guys, this would be a good chance to show your leadership and provide clarity in dating. You set physical boundaries, since premature feelings are commonly caused by premature intimacy. You set emotional boundaries by agreeing not to tell each other “I love you” until you can be sure you really mean it—and have already proven it, without words, in how you serve each other. And you set spiritual boundaries by not getting into deep, intense prayer sessions together—which is one of the most intimate and vulnerable things you can do with another person.

believe it was God’s design that you would give your heart away exactly one time, to the person you marry and spend the rest of your life with. That is God’s ideal. Of course, since sin and death entered the world, we rarely get to experience the ideal. But we can at least strive toward it, and avoid the world’s tendency to give our hearts away to every cute person we meet.

Scripture says that, although we have a lot of freedom to do what we want, not everything is beneficial or helpfula

But ignoring the advice of people who love you, who want what is best for you and have no ulterior motives in that regard, and especially who can counsel you with God’s wisdom from Scripture, is a very unwise thing to do. It’s foolish.b

God took great joy in designing you.c He loves you, has given you infinite value, and has paid a great price for you through his Son, Jesus. Find someone with that faith who understands your worth.

When you are looking for someone to be “yoked together” with, it is essential to find someone who is going the same direction in life, and at the same speed. You want someone who is running after Christ as you are, with the same level of devotion. Because they are either going to be helping you carry your load or actively dragging you down. They’re either going your direction or pulling you somewhere you don’t want to go.

What you are looking for, therefore, is someone who is a fully devoted follower of Christ. First you have to be one yourself, then you find someone else who is similarly pursuing God and join together in your pursuit.

The Bible has some great descriptions of what an ideal husband or wife looks like, in places like Proverbs 31 or 1 Timothy 3. By studying the Bible, you can create a list of what you should really be looking for—the things that mark the life of someone who is following God.

You want to look for someone who is gentle,g patient,h peaceful,i and modest;j someone who can say no to worldly passions that would end up hurting them or hurting you.k

You want a spouse who is selfless,t kind,u and compassionate.v You want them to be that way toward you,

Controlled, Responsible, Obedient, Serving, and Steady. Put those together, and you have someone whose life is marked by the CROSS.

However, people who are following Christ will naturally do these things and exhibit these traits. They provide evidence you can see for the condition of their heart, which you cannot otherwise see.