How to Invent Everything: A Survival Guide for the Stranded Time Traveler

by Ryan North

Sidebar: The Universal Edibility Test Test each part of a potential food separately (seeds, stem, leaves, buds, fruit, etc.), and in the same state you intend to eat it in (raw or cooked). Cooked is always safer. Don’t eat for eight hours before each test, and remember that testing just a single part of a single potential food will take the better part of an entire day. To save yourself from wasting time eating poisons, remember that bright colors are usually (but not always) used in nature to mean “I’m easily seen, which means I’m not worried about predators, which means if you eat me you’re probably going to have a bad time.”* Smell the food: a strong, unpleasant smell is usually a bad sign. Don’t eat it if it smells rotten—because it probably is—and if your food smells like almonds but is not, in fact, almonds, it might contain cyanide. The skin inside your elbow or wrist is sensitive: gently rub a piece of the food there and wait 15 minutes. If your skin burns, itches, goes numb, or reacts in any way, don’t eat it. If nothing bad happens, briefly touch the food to the corner of your mouth, then wait 15 minutes. If nothing bad happens, briefly touch it to your lip and tongue, and wait another 15 minutes. If nothing bad happens, place a piece on your tongue and wait with it in your mouth for, you guessed it, 15 minutes. If nothing bad happens, chew it once, but don’t swallow. Hold it in your mouth for 15 minutes. If nothing bad happens, swallow the piece you chewed 15 mi...