But You Don’t Look Autistic at All (Bianca Toeps’ Books)

by Bianca Toeps

According to the Markrams, more connections are being made in the autistic brain and brain cells respond more emphatically to each other. There’s a stronger response to stimuli, thoughts run rampant quicker. In short: the world is extremely intense for autistics.

Most autistics I know hate small talk and would rather dive straight in. We’d rather listen to you go on and on about your collection of Star Wars cards than to chit-chat about the weather.

“Don’t give me that arrogant look!”

Because I’m also pretty bad at remembering faces

I'm bad at remembering names.

“Do you want me to listen, or do you want me to pretend I’m listening?” Your message usually comes across better if the autistic in question doesn’t look you in the eye.

I agree with this.

Don’t be too easily insulted. If an autistic doesn’t recognise you in the street, that doesn’t mean you haven’t made an impression.

I have a very low tolerance for bullshit.

To everyone who feels they have to pretend to be something they’re not and who is constantly afraid to step on people’s toes I’d like to give this piece of advice: find better friends. You deserve it.

Agreed.

Making such a last-minute request is exactly what you shouldn’t do to autistics.

Most people are familiar with the stereotype of the autistic who loves computers, model trains or anime.

I loved anime in college.

It creates multiple shadows coming off all objects which makes all depth disappear, my eyes can’t focus anymore and my brain can’t discern any details in the heap of information coming in through my eyes. After a couple

I don't like night markets.

know autistics sometimes come across as terrible whiners. Drama queens. Crybabies.

But autistics aren’t crybabies. They are people trapped in a world at volume 10.

Autistics will never ‘learn to cope with it’. The only thing they will learn is to ignore their own body’s signals. And that can be incredibly harmful.

When I work from home, I often find it difficult to switch.

I would love to work from home.

This is also referred to as the autistic burn-out: someone who was previously able to speak in coherent sentences, suddenly can’t utter a single word or bursts into tears at the slightest change. It’s the result of years of asking too much, of hiding and of “acting normal”. The person in question shuts down and seems to become more autistic. But that’s not the case: The person was always this autistic, they just ran out of energy to hide it.

Usually the person who seems to be functioning just fine, the one who appears to be doing well in society, is fighting to just keep their head above water.

Autistics who get better at learning how to “act normal” only end up spending more and more energy doing so.

Dutch liquorice coins, because I love the way they slide in my mouth, and a bag of them can last up to half a day.

I love black licorice.

As someone who is self-employed I get to pick and choose who I work with, and I simply refuse projects where I’d be working with useless slackers.

“Can you handle criticism?” my dad had asked during a lunch date.

You have to be able to handle criticism.

All my life people had made me feel so insecure about my communication skills that I was an easy pushover for the sneaky duo.

(To quote the great philosopher Beyoncé: “I’m not bossy. I’m the boss!”)

Fuck her!

I finally realised I needed to accept my autism, along with its limitations and boundaries.

I’m not a loser. I’m a girl with an invisible handicap.

During my studies, I did several internships. That went well, as long as I had a mentor who understood me.

too, often don’t fit in with the rest of the group because I skip after-work drinks and nights out.

I wish I did that.

The problem is that institutions often fail to look at the lives of autistic people as a whole,

People often tell me, “Melissa, you’re doing so well, we can’t even tell anything’s the matter with you!”

“Act normal, that’s crazy enough.”

And an Indigo child? According to a random new-age website I checked, Indigo children are “clairsentient and telepathic”, they have “a soul that has lived many lives”, “their top two chakras are open wide” and they are “more emotional than rational”. I’m sorry, but my rational autistic brain thinks this is bullshit.

I always colour coordinate the shirts in my closet; I’m so autistic! No honey, you’re not. You’re just neat. Yay you.

if you focus non-stop on everything that is wrong with society – and that’s a lot! – you will only end up incredibly frustrated.