But You Don’t Look Autistic at All (Bianca Toeps’ Books)

by Bianca Toeps

In short, what it comes down to is that someone who has autism has trouble with communication and social interaction and has typical behaviours and interests.

As an autistic, I often feel forced to code-switch, to switch between two different types of behaviour: my own and that which is socially desirable.

According to the Markrams, more connections are being made in the autistic brain and brain cells respond more emphatically to each other. There’s a stronger response to stimuli, thoughts run rampant quicker. In short: the world is extremely intense for autistics.

To all neurotypicals who like to be looked in the eye: when an autistic doesn’t look you in the eye, it’s not a sign that they’re not trustworthy or that they’re being disrespectful. In the autistic community there’s a meme that’s shared a lot: “Do you want me to listen, or do you want me to pretend I’m listening?” Your message usually comes across better if the autistic in question doesn’t look you in the eye.

To everyone who feels they have to pretend to be something they’re not and who is constantly afraid to step on people’s toes I’d like to give this piece of advice: find better friends. You deserve it.

But why the obsessions? And why these specific subjects? Experts think predictability is a factor. Most autistic people’s hobbies can be categorised or are logical or predictable. Horses or birds belong to animal species and have certain characteristics. Computers do what you tell them to do. (And if they don’t, that’s usually because you – or the software developer – made a mistake. A computer can’t just go and decide to do something wrong because it doesn’t like you, no matter how many people say it can.) Stamps can go into an album, bicycle race results can be compared. And sorting, categorising and calculating simply makes most autistics very happy.

force your child to wear itchy or polyester clothes. Give up that battle. Autistics will never ‘learn to cope with it’. The only thing they will learn is to ignore their own body’s signals. And that can be incredibly harmful.

This is also referred to as the autistic burn-out: someone who was previously able to speak in coherent sentences, suddenly can’t utter a single word or bursts into tears at the slightest change. It’s the result of years of asking too much, of hiding and of “acting normal”. The person in question shuts down and seems to become more autistic. But that’s not the case: The person was always this autistic, they just ran out of energy to hide it.

Usually the person who seems to be functioning just fine, the one who appears to be doing well in society, is fighting to just keep their head above water.

Autistic behaviour in men is better accepted, or swept under the rug with a dismissive “ah well, men…” This can also be seen in TV shows, Anna de Hooge argues in her thesis. She watched shows like Sherlock and The Big Bang Theory and concluded that the “autistic” characters get away with exceptionally dickish, aggressive or inappropriate behaviour, such as spying on the girl next door or completely ignoring someone else’s authority.

People who have recently been diagnosed with autism often don’t even know their own boundaries anymore; the uncomfortable feeling is so omnipresent, that listening to it seems like an impossible task.

And even if that’s not the case, such statements are harmful: they paint a picture that autistics aren’t people and that they don’t have feelings, let alone autonomy.

It’s time to listen to autistics, instead of fearmongers. The fact that we’re wired differently than the average person doesn’t mean that our neurotype should be beaten or eradicated. What we want is more understanding for autistics – we would like people to respect our sensitivities and welcome our strengths.

An often-heard statement is that ABA therapy can make your child “indistinguishable from peers”. But I’m begging you, don’t aim for that. Your child is different, and they’ll always be. And that’s OK. By forcing them to be “normal”, you’re telling them you don’t love them as they are. Autistic ways of playing are valid. So are autistic ways of communicating. Stimming is fine. Moving is fine.

Autism isn’t like Down Syndrome, where you’re born with specific physical features. At first glance, autistics seem “normal”. But their posture, motions and eyes often give away that something’s up. Autistic movements may include repetitive motions, clapping or flapping one’s hands or other so-called stims. Due to our lack of sensory integrations, many autistics have bad posture. We just can’t seem to construct one whole out of our many limbs. This might also be the reason why we bump into table corners more often than the average person, and regularly drop things.

8. It’s probably because of the vaccinations No.

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