Rocket Science

by Emily Mayer

Theo was the love of my life. We were meant to be together. He just didn’t know it yet. To date, we had exchanged around 572,916 words.

I shoveled French fries into my mouth and mentally named my future cats.

“Says the vegan eating cheesecake,”

since this was my pity party and she was technically a party crasher.

Mister Right, Mister Right Now, Mister Great in Bed. All the misters,” she said matter-of-factly, like this was all common knowledge. “Like how Harrison is Mister Right and Jimmy is Mister Right Now. But at the rate you’re going, your misters are going to have to be food delivery guys.”

I had no idea I could be so creative! Or such a pessimist.

This is an emotional support donut so it doesn’t count,”

“Happy people are the most annoying people on the planet. Like, keep your happiness to yourself. It’s Monday. Don’t force your happiness on other people.

Why anyone thought a picture of their penis would seal the deal was beyond me. Penises were strange-looking, like some weird one-eyed species of naked mole rat without legs.

That’s like… like giving a student driver a Ferrari to practice with. You don’t do that,”

“These bags are getting heavy and I skipped arm day for the last, like… oh… twenty-five years straight.”

“I am going to close my eyes, and when I open them, I would really appreciate it if you could pretend to be Saint Peter welcoming me to my eternal home.”

Paige was a firm believer that a person’s energy was contagious. I was going to be the flu of excitement, dang it!