More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
College hadn’t been the magical new life I’d imagined. Turned out, wherever you went, your personality was sure to follow.
The idea of Benji as more than a friend made a curious little flutter start up in my gut.
Benji, You deserve all the kisses you want. This is just a taste of the sweetness I feel for you. Your Secret Admirer
“You want some of my kisses, don’t you?” My mouth went dry. “How’d you guess?”
“Never thought I’d share kisses with the great Ace Collins.” I laughed nervously. “Yeah, well, just don’t tell your brother. He’d kick my ass.” Benji rolled his eyes. “As if he’d ever believe that happened. I’m more likely to be struck by lightning.”
Which is why you shouldn’t be looking at his younger brother. No matter how I bottled my feelings, they kept looking for a way out. Maybe that’s what the secret admirer gift was. My way out. I already knew that, stupid or not, I was going to do it again. It was just a matter of when.
Like another gift for Benji. Maybe. Maybe not. But I didn’t want to think about that. It made me feel foolish, idiotic, and strangely uncomfortable in my own skin. Nothing a couple of shots of tequila wouldn’t clear up — at least for now.
Benji, Maya Angelou said, ‘Be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud.’ I want to be that for you. Your Secret Admirer
Finding the new gift brightened my day. In that regard, my admirer already was my rainbow.
“Not really my type,” I mumbled. Just don’t ask what my type actually is. You, Ace. It’s you. “Really?” There was a puzzled note in his voice, almost as if … Ace couldn’t see why I wouldn’t be into this guy. Or maybe he just thought I should be into any guy, seeing as I was gay and desperate. “Is he your type?” I asked, a little testily. Ace began to splutter. “Wha— No, I don’t — I didn’t—”
“Would you rather not … get any more of these gifts? I mean, if it’s upsetting you…” “No, the gifts are sweet, especially the notes. I just want to know who it is.” I huffed a laugh at myself. “I don’t know what I’d do if my secret admirer suddenly stood up and announced himself. But whoever it is, if they see something so special in me, I guess I’d just like a chance to see something special in them too.”
A sketchpad was open on Benji’s knee, and Jonas was hunched over, studying his artwork, sending a flash of jealousy through me.
They both looked up — Jonas with a sly grin, Benji with pink cheeks and a small smile. That was my smile. The one my little gifts and notes had put there. Shit, did he like Jonas, then?
I grinned, secretly happy I’d flustered him, even as alarms blared in my head. Abort. Abort. Best friend’s little brother is off-limits. Damn it. What was I going to do?
And at the last moment, as tension coiled tight and I felt the first wave of orgasm, I imagined his mouth against mine, his hard cock throbbing in my hand, pulsing cum over my fingers. I shuddered, closing my eyes, holding tight to the image even though I knew I should cast it away. Ace wasn’t for me. He never would be.
“The bracelet you made me, yeah,” Ace said, glancing down at it with a smile. “You gave it to me, so of course I still have it.”
Ace fidgeted with the bracelet I’d made all those years ago. A strange tension seemed to rise up between us, one I’d never before noticed, even with my secret crush.
“Besides,” I joked, “we both know Jeremy’s already claimed you as his friend.” “I can’t be both?” “Jeremy wouldn’t even share his Transformers with me. You really think he’s going to share his best friend?”
Benji lowered his voice to a whisper. “I’ve never even been kissed.” Oh, fuck. I wanted to give him that. I wanted it to be fucking perfect for him. “I’ll help you.” The words were out before I could consider whether it was a good idea. His eyes widened. “Help me?”
I shouldn’t have offered. But I wasn’t about to take it back now. I couldn’t resist the opportunity to get closer to Benji, to take a little of what I wanted without risking any fallout. But I feared it wouldn’t be enough, that nothing would be until I’d satisfied my curiosity, and … something else I couldn’t quite define, a kind of yearning to be everything Benji needed, even if it meant playing with fire.
Benji, Edgar Degas said, art is not what you see, but what you make others see. Your art has made me see how beautiful you are, inside and out. Your Secret Admirer
He adjusted our hands, twining our fingers together, then flashed me a smile. “We’re a good fit.” Was I even awake right now? Maybe I’d hit my head and was slowly dying. “You’re not worried someone will see?”
I’d have gone to prom with you. I’d have swooned over that fucking clunker of yours.” Ace laughed. “Wow, should I be jealous of the clunker? You wouldn’t swoon over the sight of me in a tux?” “I’d have swooned over the sight of you in jeans and a T-shirt,” I admitted. Our eyes met a beat, and something magnetic made me want to move closer.
Benji looked up at me uncertainly. Was his heart racing the way mine was? Did he secretly long for a kiss?
I reached down, grasping Benji’s arm and pulling him to his feet. I used a little too much force and he ended up in my arms, face against my chest. I’d have to remember that trick for a better occasion.
Benji was freaked. Me, on the other hand? I wasn’t freaked over my first kiss with a guy at all. It felt like … coming home. The expression on Benji’s face? That did freak me. Stupid, Ace. Assuming he’d be into you without even asking… My butterflies died of shame.
I could read between the lines. Ace didn’t think it was Jonas. But I needed to be right about this. I couldn’t continue to obsess about Ace, drawing pictures, fantasizing, trying to kiss him. It was either make a move with Jonas or start avoiding Ace.
Friends. Just a few days ago, I’d been happy to believe myself his friend. But now, after that pretend date that felt all kinds of real? It felt more like an awful, soul-destroying label for rejection.
I’d never felt so twisted up, turned inside-out by a person before. Benji was just a guy. Just … a pretty, green-eyed, sweet, innocent guy. All the more reason to stay away. But how to convince Jonas to do the same?
I wanted Benji. I wanted to hold him, kiss him. More than that, though, I wanted his heart. Because he already had mine. Consequences be damned.
It was a friendship bracelet. Just like the one I’d made him as a kid.
Maybe Ace did really like me. Maybe he meant all the things he’d said in those notes. Maybe he gave me those gifts out of admiration and not pity. Even if that were true, which was still very hard for me to wrap my head around, he’d kept secrets and lied to me every time we talked about my secret admirer. I didn’t know how to feel about that, and until I did, I wasn’t ready to talk to him.
“He looked at you like you were a slice of chocolate cake and he was on a diet.”
Maybe Ace really did like me. Like I liked him. And if that were true… Then maybe I could forgive him for the small deception of secretly admiring me with a series of notes and gifts that boosted my spirits. Maybe … I should even thank him.
“Wasn’t hard to figure out. Dude’s always hanging around, looking at you with heart eyes.”
My body practically vibrated with the urge to push him against the nearest wall and ravish him. Fucking ravish, like I was fucking Fabio in a romance book and he was my innocent maiden. But he sort of was, wasn’t he? He was my innocent Benji, untouched by anyone else. Fuck, I wanted him.
“Take me back to your room.” He licked his lips. “You know what will happen if I do.” I held his eyes. “You better mean sex.” He laughed. “What happened to my shy Benji?” My heart skipped. I liked being called his Benji. I really, really liked it.
Then step by step, I was heading toward Ace’s bedroom. Toward sex. With Ace. Holy fuck.
Benji was in his head again, thinking too much, possibly writing this off as a mistake. So I kissed him again and again until he was back with me. Maybe talking wasn’t the answer with him. He seemed to already have so many words running through his brain at all times.
We’d had a few awkward missteps, but hell, we were virgins. Benji had never been with anyone, and I’d never been with anyone special. We’d found our way in the end.
He was everything. We were really doing this, becoming boyfriends, and it wasn’t just a silly pipe dream. I never wanted to leave our bubble of kissing and rubbing and coming together. Of tentatively exploring with mouths and fingers.
But he was mine. Against all odds, Ace Collins had admired me. Had conquered my insecurity, vanquished my doubts. He was, without a doubt, a brave man.
He’s a little too sweet for me. So be careful with him, yeah?” “You don’t have to worry about that,” I said wryly. “You should be telling him to be careful with me.” Jonas laughed. “It’s like that, is it?” Then raising his voice, he called out, “Hey guys, Ace says he’s in love! Who’s gonna plan the wedding?”
Home soon. As if we lived together, as if Benji was my house husband instead of my new boyfriend. But the frat was my home, and when I left it after graduation, I hoped I wouldn’t be leaving Benji too. I wanted him to be my new home, the way Jeremy and the McKenzie family had always been my family.
Backing away, smiling like an idiot, I watched him wiggle into a comfortable position, in my bed, still naked. Damn, I was a lucky bastard.
“Benji, I love you.” The words just flew out without permission. His eyes widened. “It’s too soon to say that,” I said with an awkward chuckle, “but I do, and I’ve had a lot of time to think about how Jeremy might react and to decide that this, what we have, is worth it. But I know you’ve had less time to—” Benji smothered my words in a kiss, and my arms came up around him.
“I love you too, Ace. I should have said that right away. I’ve loved you longer than you can possibly imagine.”
His body, warm against mine, was real. His heart beating in sync with mine. His smiles, which lit up my life. Every day with him in it felt more alive, more real than any that had come before. Maybe I was sappy, just a romantic who was rushing in like a fool. But right now? He was the real love of my life.
“If he wasn’t gay, he wouldn’t want me. Which would break my fucking heart, so.” I shrugged, trying to play off my words as lighthearted, but they were one hundred percent true. I was head over heels for Benji, and there was no going back.
And while we talked, I reached back with my left hand, intertwining my fingers with Benji’s. When I looked back, Benji was more relaxed, smiling even though he couldn’t hear most of what we said. Yeah. That was better. Jeremy needed to get used to his new reality anyway. Shielding him from any shows of affection wouldn’t help any of us adjust to the changes in our dynamics.
