Solutions and Other Problems

by Allie Brosh

That’s got to be a strange moment for a parent. There’s this omnipresent fear of predators and monsters, and you just… you never quite expect to find out the monster is your kid.

The dog, which was wearing a costume, was looking around like WHAT IS GOING ON—ARE WE OKAY—THIS IS THE MOST THINGS I HAVE EVER SEEN.

Oh, you’re a bird? Doesn’t matter. Get out there with your little weird legs and jump over some sticks.

I wanted to really go into detail about how awkward death can be, and describe the lack of closure and how it always just sits there, and the guilt, and the regrets, and which crossing it was, and all my guesses for what her last thoughts might have been, and how I still have dreams about her, but she acts different now.

Some years have been hard, but overall, I have a pretty easy life. If I find a dead deer, I don’t have to fight a bear for it. I don’t even have to eat it if I don’t want to.

If this had been a real emergency, I wouldn’t have had to feel like that for very long. But it wasn’t a real emergency. Two seconds later, nothing had happened to me. And it continued to not happen, and continued to not happen, and continued to not happen. Which, in my opinion, is the biggest problem with not being immediately murdered by unstoppable spirit monsters. You have to figure out what to do with yourself.

there’s nothing that requires life to have a point.

if you grow up only reading happy stories where you find out the answers to all your questions, you will be scared and confused and probably die in a dumpster fire. It is better to accept the utter futility of things as early as possible and save yourself the struggle.

Experiencing real loneliness for the first time is like realizing the only thing you’ve ever loved is your home planet after migrating to the moon. Spider solitaire did not turn out to be an adequate substitute.