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It was the kind of silence you probably encountered right before a parachute jump into enemy territory.
‘Do you work at being this unpopular or does it just come naturally?’ ‘There’s an extra course we can take. I’m surprised a go-getter like you didn’t know that.
According to Warwick, ‘I woke up one morning feeling funny and I had no idea what it was until I picked up my lad Darren’s guitar and started strumming away. I’ve never even played guitar before. Turns out I’ve only been possessed by David bloody Bowie and he wants to record an album.’
‘I can’t be doing with all of this nonsense,’ says Mr Warwick. ‘I’ve got plumbing jobs on. If I’m hanging around the studio, engaging in free association, boundary-pushing musical experimentation, who is going to get Mary Daniels’ downstairs loo flushing properly? She can’t get upstairs these days with her hips, and her downstairs is causing her no end of problems.’
‘Ehm,’ said Hannah again, because her brain had decided it had had enough of all this, put up the ‘gone fishing’ sign and left for the day.
‘Yes,’ said Sturgess, in a way that acknowledged a lot of words had just been spoken.
There was, however, a tiny part of her that’d been looking forward to getting grilled by DI Sturgess. Her soon-to-be ex-husband hadn’t been big into conversations that weren’t about him, so Hannah had been excited to spend some quality time with an attractive man who was interested in what she had to say. It was not lost on her how mortifyingly pathetic those thoughts were.
Dougie Reed, 28, from Glasgow, and the self-proclaimed emissary of Satan on this plane of existence, has issued a press release clarifying that while numerous heavy metal bands have expressed their love of Satan over the years, Satan himself is actually a big fan of the musical stylings of the Irish songstress Enya.
‘Who was it that said sarcasm is the lowest form of wit?’ ‘I don’t know,’ replied Banecroft, ‘but I guarantee they’d not seen the internet before they said it.’
This was the great advantage of having a reputation for being a bastard: people believed you were perfectly happy to be one at the drop of a hat.
