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In his experience, no city that was worthy of the name actually slept.
The internet had told him the climate of Manchester was ‘mild’, which it turned out was a euphemism for ‘permanently miserable’.
He couldn’t say what he wanted to: that he’d let the last guy pop some pills to ‘take the edge off’ and it had resulted in a very nasty crater in the ground. This time it had to work, which meant that this guy needed to be a lot of things, not least of which was entirely unaware of the last guy.
Last week she’d heard the Pulp song ‘Common People’ in a shop and had felt like bursting into tears. There she had been, staring at tins of suspiciously cheap peas in a budget supermarket, wondering how long she could live on them for, when Jarvis Cocker of all people decided to put the boot in.
Nobody comes here if they have any future. This is where futures come to die.
‘I remember now. You made the papers: the woman who burned down her cheating husband’s house. I can see why you’re so big into fire safety now.’
This was only her second ever job interview, but she strongly suspected that they didn’t normally end in this much gunplay and bloodshed.
Through it all, a little voice in the back of her mind kept saying, ‘Ohhh, you got a job, though. That’s pretty good, isn’t it?’ It was. A second voice kept trying to butt in with, ‘Yeah, but look where it is. I mean, you’re working for an appalling human being who screams abuse at everyone and just shot himself in the foot.’ To counter this, the first voice began singing ‘Things Can Only Get Better’ by D:Ream.
The Admiral’s Arms had three things going for it: location, location, location. It was close by.
‘Now is not the time, Reggie. I need a distraction. Stella, be a good girl and go outside and set something on fire.’
‘Oh, for the love of the Lord, I put a sign up saying not to come in.’ ‘Did you use diagrams?’ asked Banecroft. ‘I get the definite impression that most of the loons who buy this rag do so mostly for the pretty pictures.’
Proceedings opened with Grace running through articles that had been submitted by what Hannah supposed could be called freelancers, although Banecroft preferred ‘the idiots I don’t have to see every day’.
she read articles about sightings of mythical creatures, discussions of outlandish conspiracy theories, and stories of people doing all manner of disturbed and disturbing things, an alarming number of whom had been naked while doing them.
We have an interview with her husband, who claims to have been taken up by said crafts, had his genitalia examined thoroughly and then been dumped outside a bookies with, I kid you not, a hot tip for that day’s racing at Kempton.’
It was comfortably Paulo’s best ever purchase, and was unique amongst the things in the outer shop in that it actually worked.
Damn it, there will be complaints, but I am going to get ginger nuts again. It is a good, God-fearing biscuit, but nobody is crossing a road to get one.’
‘Also, there’s been a panda on the moon.’ ‘I see. And how did it get there?’ ‘I’m glad you asked.’ ‘At least one of us is.’ ‘I’ve narrowed it down to one of three possibilities. One: Chinese space programme experiment.’ ‘Makes sense.’ ‘Two: the moon is actually where pandas come from, and the question should be how did they get to Earth.’ ‘Ahhh, interesting.’ ‘Or three: stag do.’
‘That would’ve meant changing your clothes – something we’d all be excited to see happen. Here, have a doughnut.’
A couple of Portakabins sat at the far end, surrounded by a lot of men in hard hats who were being paid to drink tea, and several tense-looking people who Hannah guessed would have to explain to the higher-ups exactly how they’d ended up paying quite so many people to do nothing but drink tea.
‘Did we just commit a crime?’ ‘Didn’t you set a house on fire there a few weeks ago?’ ‘What’s that got to do with anything?’ ‘I’m just saying – technically you’re on a spree.’
‘True,’ said Sturgess. ‘But while I can easily imagine people lying about whether they worked for your publication, it feels very unlikely that someone would do it this way round.’
‘It’s not your fault. You’re one of the few people on the planet he didn’t sleep with.’ She glanced across at him. ‘I mean, I’m making a big assumption there.’
So let’s just take a breath, wait for Manny to get done doing what he’s doing and then we can deal with the next thing when it’s time for the next thing.’
The 15th annual convention of Portuguese Psychics has been cancelled due to what organizers are calling ‘foreseen circumstances’.
‘I’m testing a theory,’ continued Banecroft. ‘If it’s whether or not holding flowers makes you more charming, the initial results aren’t encouraging.’
It had taught her two valuable lessons: one, you couldn’t trust people; and two, alcohol was only the answer if the question was ‘How can I make everything worse?’
‘We don’t normally carry guns, and they certainly don’t let you take one home with you after you’ve been suspended.’
Hannah’s experience with handcuffs was limited to the two occasions when she had been arrested recently, and one other incident when she had tried to do something a bit different on her soon-to-be ex-husband’s birthday, which had been excruciatingly embarrassing for everyone involved.
If you’re reading this in 2021, you can look forward to another book in The Stranger Times series coming out next year. If you’re reading this in 2061, then let’s be honest, the planet lasted way longer than any of us expected.
Simon Taylor, editor extraordinaire, who dies in a boating accident while on holiday in 2076. The accident is especially tragic as the UK is still in lockdown at the time, and he will be sitting in his front room reading
