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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Lindy West
Read between
April 13 - April 13, 2021
I love turning a piece of criticism into a piece of entertainment. I love pointing out a plot hole that makes a superfan write me an angry e-mail. I love turning my unsophistication into a tool. I love being hyperbolically, cathartically angry for no reason.
More than anything I want this book to make you feel like you are at a movie night with your best friend (me).
We didn’t need any more movies after The Fugitive. We didn’t need any movies before it either. We should erase those.
America’s Next Top Daddy Doctor,
All the other doctors agree that Richard Kimble’s wife, Helen, is the number-one coolest and hottest wife of all the doctor wives. Kimble is on top.
The cops ask Richard questions about what he remembers, insinuating that he, the Husband, Did It and is planning to collect megabucks from his Helen insurance.
Richard gets sentenced to death by lethal injection, and keep in mind that this is only twelve minutes and forty-nine seconds into the movie!!!!!!!!!!
Instead, US Marshal Tommy Lee Jones shows up to investigate, and he’s like, “My, my, my, what a mess,” and you just know he’s thinking about Al Gore in the dorm room.
Reader, I just had sex with that dialogue!!!! And it rocked!
Of course it must be acknowledged that The Fugitive is a movie all about men, where women don’t do very much except die or sometimes hold a clipboard. It’s all men who are the boss, but who is the most boss of the men??? Is it the Harrison Ford kind of boss, or the Tommy Lee Jones kind of boss? They’re both your dad, but which is the best spanker?????
Tommy Lee Jones is a guy that can tell you to shut up and you don’t mind.
The marshals hear from Kimble’s rat lawyer that Kimble hasn’t left Chicago, which gets Tommy’s Tommy sense aflame.
The dumb cops say it was for the money, but Tommy knows that a vascular king like Richard doesn’t need insurance bucks:
;) <—-—-—-—- tfw u think the cops found u but it’s just the gross polish son
He sneaks into the house of another one-armed man from his list, and bazinga, it’s a spicy meatball.
He takes them to lanky cherub Jane Lynch, who discovers, “not only did they all come from healthy livers, they all came from the same liver.”
Richard gets to the gala and who’s up there at the podium pampering Provasic’s dong?
I was going to say that they don’t make movies like this anymore, where the last thirty minutes is just one continuous incredible chase, except they do, all the time, but they make it all CGI so it’s impossible to care about.
Best friendship with Chuck over. Now Tommy is best friend.
Bill Nighy and his technicolor dream-blouse
Emma Thompson is Love Actually’s top female-personality-haver, which means that she’s totally nice and bland 95 percent of the time and then every once in a while she’ll say something horribly caustic and inappropriate and out of character.
Hugh Grant plays the role of “horny prime minister,” which raises the question: What percentage of Americans believe that Hugh Grant literally is the prime minister and/or boy king of the UK? I’ll bet you the number is not zero, and that is why we should all probably eat poison.
To be perfectly honest, Liam Neeson is really acting the hell out of this movie.
SHE COULD HAVE ACTUALLY SAID SOMETHING, AND INSTEAD SHE JUST GOES “MEEP MEEP” AND BILLY BOB THORNTON POPS A BONER.
Turns out, the wedding video he took is 100 percent close-ups of her face because the dude is a fucking psychopath.
She has a brother. And he calls sometimes. To be more specific, Laura Linney has a mentally ill brother who lives in a facility and calls her frequently for reassurance and comfort, and she always takes his calls because she loves him deeply and feels responsible for his well-being now that their parents are dead. DEAL BREAKER. Karl’s out.
Hey, why are you always talking to that kid about sex like that? Like, get a friend.
They begin to profess their “love” for one another in the car but don’t get very far because there’s a kid dressed as a papier-mâché octopus crammed in between them. Thanks for nothing, cock-blocktopus!
The truth is that you simply can’t make it into adulthood unscathed. And if somehow you did, you wouldn’t have the perspective and empathy to properly care for another human being for the rest of both your lives. It’s impossible. Everyone’s going to have their shit.
Even in our worst moments, we still crack each other up and hold each other at night.
You’re saying, “I promise I will stay with you even if you suck for a while,” an almost narcotic comfort that we all deserve.
I don’t dream of dying adorable; I dream of dying calloused and wise, of looking my husband in the eyes and saying, “Remember that thing we almost didn’t survive? Aren’t you so glad we did?”
(The fact that this took off as a catchphrase means we should all be in prison.)
“This movie’s kinda weird.”—my kid.
Meanwhile, Jennay is off somewhere having a shitty vibe because of the ’70s.
Computers, so Forrest is able to buy his church a funky new bass player and Bubba’s mom gets a white slave.
It’s June 6, 1940, in Seabrook Island, South Carolina, and Ryan Gosling is at a carnival. Suddenly, he spots a sexy babe on the bumper cars and his nostrils flare so wide you can see his brain.
Goz, like all red-blooded Real American alpha males, is allergic to the Friendzone,
Instead of fucking screaming in terror at the unhinged stranger coercing her into touching his penis by blaming her for his imminent gory public suicide (THE ULTIMATE NEG)
Oh, cool, this part’s back. Old Guy Reads Out Loud: The Movie.
and he runs away to cry in his swamp until death. Romance is abolished.
McAdams moves to New York to go to Sarah Lawrence, and Gosling moves to Atlanta to go to army.
(Note to my partner: if I ever get dementia, and you show up to read to me from your diary every fucking day, feel free to leave out the part where you bang the war widow.)
In other words, I could not beat your niece at a Harry Potter trivia pub quiz, but I could maybe beat you. Relative to other Harry Potter people, I’m in it medium.
None of it makes any sense! The best thing about Harry Potter is that I hate it!!!
she never uses it to give Lucius Malfoy cat scratch fever of the dick.
Ma’am, you are engaged in guerilla warfare against a shadow army of fascists that can do magic. Turn into a cat one time?
MUNGA AND POP POP POTTER2
Harry’s cousin Dudley has his parents totally cucked.
I am going to die of this.
