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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Lindy West
Read between
April 13 - April 13, 2021
(CORPSIFY ME FIRST),
Fred’s and George’s haircuts are literally disgusting.
Ron introduces Harry to his hand-me-down rat, Scabbers, who blows (and is secretly a man, and has definitely seen multiple Weasley brothers masturbate????),
Wizard hack: don’t send fully one-quarter of your children to Evil School, and maybe end up with 100 percent fewer evil wizards.
She takes Neville to the hospital wing, so Malfoy seizes the opportunity to be a dick. He
Harry and Ron remember that Hermione doesn’t know about the troll because she’s boo-hooing in the shitter!
drink. It goes without saying that Harry and Ron would have been instantaneously deceased without Hermione, but as usual, Harry’s the fucking hero.
Who is that creepy voice? Oh, it’s only VOLDEMORT HIDING UNDER QUIRRELL’S HAT! Quirrell’s got male pattern VOLDNESS.
and the unapologetic homoeroticism is, frankly, woke as hell (?).
Meanwhile, Maverick’s wingman, Cougar, is buggin’. He almost got missiled by one of the enemies, and now he’s too freaked out to land, which, is that a real disease?
They go out to a bar to bother women—“
The next day, at plane Hogwarts,
And I’m sorry, but that is not an excuse! Go to therapy! You can be in a men’s group with Snape!
But before dinner, it’s………beach volleyball time! This is the famous volleyball scene, where all the guys—Goose, Maverick, Iceman, Pickle, Scabby, Shredder, Splinter, Bebop, Rocksteady, Dave, and Cornholio—oil up and spike the hogskin for a few days. Ohhhhhh, do I ever I wish I were that volleyball! Yeah, hit me with the tops of both of your wrists, boys! Unghhhh!
They decide to date even though she’s his teacher and, let’s be honest, reads…fifteen years older? Which, to be clear, is only because Tom Cruise looks a full Dennis the Menace twelve here.
but assures her that he is extremely hot for teacher now and, yes, don’t worry, you should definitely trust that guy! He’s absolutely not the exact floor model of a dude who would fat-shame you while you’re pregnant and then bang your couples counselor because he’s a “super-feeler.” For sure marry this unhinged tween!
Bill Paxton finds this old safe in the ocean, expecting it to be full of Titanic diamonds, but instead it’s just an old doodle of some boobs. Total rip-off!…OR IS IT?
Luckily, along comes Leonardo “I Am Definitely Wearing Lipstick” DiCaprio, who is traveling to America with his friend Fabrizio (Human Olive Garden Commercial).
The Fugitive is the only good movie, but so is Rush Hour.
So, he flies to New Jersey and goes to his mom’s funeral, which is fine, and reconnects with his high school friend Peter Sarsgaard, who, for the record, is foine.
wallpaper, and he’s a real dick about it. Then his dad, Bilbo Baggins, is like, “Son. Come over here; I need to withhold some emotions from you.”
One thing you can say about Twilight is that it is not boring. There are a billion characters, they’re always saying some crazy shit, and they’re SO HORNY! Twilight feels like it was written by an AI that almost gets it.
but Twilight gives Bella seventy-five distinct friends who all have names and personalities and LINES (which = MONEY), and they’re all flirting and doing slapstick comedy and kissing one another on the face and falling down and taking pictures of Bella for the school paper
Regardless, Edward returns to biology class and is assigned to be Bella’s lab partner. Which is a fucking huge win for her, since he’s already taken biology 179 times.
Gaslighting! Vampire gaslighting!!! Later that night, Bella wakes up and thinks she sees Edward inside her room watching her sleep. But he’s not. OR WAS HE? (Yes!!!!!!!)
Bella is menaced by some Port Angeles rapists, but then Edward appears and rescues her in his lil vampire hatchback!
Edward tosses Bella on his back and runs up an entire mountain in fast-motion, which is funnier than any intentional comedy I’ve ever seen.
and she’s like, “But what if they don’t like me!?” Dude, they go to your school! And one of them’s your doctor!!!!
Bella shows up, and Edward’s mom is like, “Bella, we’re making Italiano for you!” like a FULL ALIEN. “We’re using this as an excuse to use the kitchen for the first time!” Then Edward plays the piano for Bella while she looks ill. Man, that’s the best song you learned in one hundred years?
Bella’s mom wants her to come to Jacksonville, but Bella refuses because she’s fallen in love. Bella’s mom is PUMPED: “What is he? Jock? Indie? Is he smart? I bet he’s smart.” Well…he’s 107 and he watches me sleep.
“I have a hot girlfriend but she doesn’t want to have sex” was an entire genre of movies in the ’90s.
Every guy at my high school wanted to be Stifler! Can you imagine what that kind of an environment does to a person? To be of the demographic that has a Ron Burgundy quote for every occasion, without the understanding that Ron Burgundy is a satire? This is why we have Jenny McCarthy, I’m pretty sure, and, by extension, the great whooping cough revival of 2014. Thanks a lot, jocks!
Chris Klein is a lacrosse jock with a tender heart who is constantly being harassed by Stifler (class clown/bully/sexual success)
Did you realize that only twenty years ago, it was still socially acceptable to make ensemble comedies of all white men who look exactly alike even though one of them is a battery?
I forgot that American Pie popularized the term MILF, and that they made John Cho do it, which is a microaggression. Also, later, Stifler calls the guys cucks! Did American Pie really mainstream both MILF and cuck? Can you put a movie in jail?
The guys wake up, hungover, in Stifler’s living room the next morning and ratify the terms of their four-boy sex pact
That’s the vibe that killed us all, by the way! Buncha white boys sitting around like, “We will fight for every man out there who isn’t getting laid and should be!” Oops, that’s it for the species.
Of course, Eugene Levy comes in and finds his only child inseminating a pastry, moaning and twitching and stuff. This is a horror movie.
If my husband came home and our son was fucking a pie that I made and he didn’t IMMEDIATELY TELL ME so we could laugh and vomit and call 911 together, divoooooorce!
While they’re having sex, she starts screaming in Biggs’s face: “What’s my name? SAY MY NAME, BITCH!” This would be my ringtone if those existed anymore.
Stifler catches Finch fucking his mom and dies.
