Forgiving What You Can't Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again

by Lysa TerKeurst

Bitterness isn’t just a label we place on people and the feelings around...

Bitterness leaves nothing unaffected. Bitterness over one thing will locate bitterness hiding inside of us over other things. It will always intensify our reactions, skew our perspective, and take us further and further away from peace.

All bitterness is corrosive. It eats away at our peace. And most of us aren’t making the connection that the heaviness and unsettledness that ebbs and flows in our lives is evidence of unforgiveness.

Deep pain is excellent at revealing a truer truth than our soul ever dares to admit.

“you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.” (Luke 15:28–32)

Humanity without humility makes true forgiveness impossible.

“God, I give this situation to You. I release my evidence of all the reasons they were so wrong. I release my need to see this person punished. I release my need for an apology. I release my need for this to feel fair. I release my need for You to declare me right and them wrong. Show me what I need to learn from all of this. And then give me Your peace in place of my anger.”

Adding my humility into the situation acknowledges the unfairness I have felt but affirms a trust in God to do what He needs to both in their hearts and mine. My peace has been held hostage by their refusal to apologize for long enough. Why they aren’t apologizing could be because of many reasons:

Romans 12:18 teaches, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (ESV). There’s some interesting context around this verse that is worth understanding and considering. Stick with me here as we unpack some very interesting Bible history.

But Paul is teaching that peace is the atmosphere we can bring into hostility. This peace is a wholeness we have because of our relationship with God. The Hebrew word for peace is shalom. It’s interesting to note that shalom is the word that Hebrew-speaking people use even today in their salutations with others both coming and going.

It’s bringing peace into their greeting and leaving with peace as the last word in their goodbyes. I want more of this. Which means I can’t wait for others to bring me peace. I need to make the decision to bring an atmosphere of peace, shalom, into every situation I’m placed in.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid” (ESV).

Peace is a gift that God gives believers, and that gift is evidence to the world that we are different. To live peaceably in our world today seems like such a ridiculous impossibility.

Peace is the evidence of a life of forgiveness.

Living in the comfort of peace is so much better than living in the constraints of unforgiveness.

Not forgiving someone isn’t teaching the other person a lesson, nor is it protecting you in any way. It’s making the choice to stay in pain. It’s ratcheting the already too-tight belt tighter and tighter with each remembrance. Undealt-with pain and a mind at peace cannot coexist. And if we have any chance at all of living at peace with others, we’ve got to first live at peace within ourselves. So, is there ever a place for vindication? Justice? Fairness? Keep reading the verses of Romans 12.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the goal with forgiveness isn’t perfection—it’s progress. If this happens to you, realize this is normal. It

doesn’t make you a forgiveness failure. We aren’t robots. We are tenderhearted humans who feel deeply, so we can easily get hurt deeply. The sign of progress isn’t the ability never to get hurt or offended or knocked off balance emotionally. The sign of progress is to let the pain work for you instead of against you. Use it as an opportunity to let the pain drive you to the new healing habits and perspectives we’ve been discovering together in this book.

Have one better thought. •Have one better reaction. •Have one better way to process. •Hav...

Have one boundary you lovingly communicate and consistently keep. •Have one better choice not to reach for that substance to numb out. •Have one better heart pivot toward forgiveness instead of resentment. •Have one less day ...

In Matthew 6:9–15, Jesus teaches: “This, then, is how you should pray: “‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one.’

For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

The Lord’s Prayer reminds us what the human heart needs every day: we need God, we need to be forgiven, and we need to forgive. Forgiveness is supposed to be as much a part of our daily lives as eating and sleeping.

I want to truly be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). Feeling angry is different from living angry. Feeling offended is different from living offended.

Feeling skeptical is different from living skeptical. Feeling wronged is different from living wronged. Feeling resentment is different from living resentful.

Confession breaks the cycle of chaos inside of me. Forgiveness breaks the cycle of chaos between us.

PROGRESS: Where am I making progress with this verse? •SUPPRESS: What is a situation where I’m feeling resistant to living this verse? •DIGRESS: Is there a situation where I’m taking steps backward with this verse? •REGRESS: Where am I living in rebellion against this verse? •CONFESS: Now, I am aware of some confessions I need to make. As I write these out,

will ask God to give me a spirit of humility in the process. •FORGIVENESS: Where is someone not living this verse with me? This is an opportunity for forgiveness. It doesn’t excuse their behavior; it frees me from being hindered by unforgiveness.

Jesus didn’t just model forgiveness when He taught us to pray. It was the message of His life. And it was the declaration of His death as He uttered, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” But even more, it is the proclamation of every saved soul: “I am forgiven. Therefore, I must forgive.”

THIS IS FORGIVENESS: Making the decision that the ones who hurt you no longer get to limit you, label you, or project the lies they

believe about themselves onto you.

Somewhere along the way, they got hurt. Really, really hurt. They aren’t necessarily bad people, but chances are they are UNHEALED PEOPLE. When people have a deep wound they feel they must protect, the pain ...

So you must make the decision that their offense will...

confine you by the smallness of...

The sum total of your one incredible life must not be reduced to the limitations of living hurt. The completely delightful, beautiful, fun, and brilliant way GOD MADE YOU must not be tainted by someone who lost their way. The lies they w...

you carry or a script you repeat. You’ve got much too much going for you to be stunted by anger, haunted by resentment, or held back by fear. Grow into GOD’S GRACE...

Throw your arms up in victory and declare, “I’m FREE TO FORGIVE ...

Do it once, twice, seventy times seven. Make it an undeniable fact you’re a girl ...

The forgiveness message you dare to declare is the evidence of JESUS IN YOU that no soul could deny. Sing it like an anthem that the one who was crushed cannot have their joy hushed. Scatter it like confetti, coloring the blandness of surviving with the radiance of thriving. Relea...

Now put your fingers on your pulse. Do you feel that? It’s your heart beating, pumping, willing you to press onward and upward. Your future is FULL OF POSSI...