No Time Like the Future: An Optimist Considers Mortality

by Michael J. Fox

The band slides into the opening chords of their current hit, “Harmony Hall.” I join in on the chorus with its signature lyric: I don’t wanna live like this … but I don’t wanna die. God, tell me about it.

The truth is, I don’t want to live like this, but I have found a way to accept the fact that I do. For every perilous trip across a room, when my meds are off and my steps are halting and erratic, there are also times when it all slips away. In those moments, like this night out with my family, I feel joy and contentment. In those moments, I have everything I need.

When I visit the past now, it is for wisdom and experience, not for regret or shame. I don’t attempt to erase it, only to accept it. Whatever my physical circumstances are today, I will deal with them and remain present. If I fall, I will rise up. As for the future, I haven’t been there yet. I only know that I have one. Until I don’t. The last thing we run out of is the future. Really, it comes down to gratitude. I am grateful for all of it—every bad break, every wrong turn, and the unexpected losses—because they’re real. It puts into sharp relief the joy, the accomplishments, the overwhelming love of my family. I can be both a realist and an optimist. Lemonade, anyone?

As things stand now, there remains a level of suffering and fear felt by many people: an uncertainty about their living situations, employment security, children’s educations, and the outcome to this global problem. For those devastated by loss, I hope that, in time, they will find some peace and resolution. As impossible as it is to imagine, there are fragments of hope in the wreckage, as well as things to be grateful for. Indeed, good things can come from bad things. Many families, ours included, were fortunate to discover unexpected and valued time with one another as we faced this battle together. We can all take something positive from the class of 2020; to accept what has happened in the past, to embrace the present, and to remain open to the probability that it will get better in the future. I hear echoes of Stephen Pollan in that advice: With gratitude, optimism becomes sustainable.