Man Enough: Undefining My Masculinity

by Justin Baldoni

am learning and reframing those triggers as invitations to actually become smarter, to become more of my best self, and to learn in the process.

if I had to attribute my success in the past six or seven years to one thing, I think it would be the willingness to learn.

It’s hard to put into words, but there is an immense amount of freedom that I have experienced when I ask questions and admit what I don’t know. It tends to catch people off guard, and at times they have even looked at me like I am testing them, like it’s a poker game and my admitting I don’t know is a ruse, a bluff, to see if they really know. But it’s not.

And what I’ve found is that it not only makes me more approachable, but it also makes me a better leader—a more empathetic, compassionate, kind leader.

The age-old myth that a leader must always know where he is going is just that—a myth. It’s a lie that’s been passed down for ages that has limited us not just as...

Sure, a leader should always have a vision, but visions adjust and adapt to circumstances, and true leaders always lean on...

If you had met me in high school, chances are you might have described me using adjectives like “cocky,” “arrogant,” or “overconfident.” At face value, I was outgoing and loud, and it was often said that I was full of myself. Nothing hurt me more than hearing that said about me.

“Full of himself.” What a strange expression.

If anything, in high school and into my twenties, I was the exact opposite of full of myself. I was empty of myself and full of everyone else. I’d pick up pieces, mannerisms, phrases, opinions, tips, and tricks from the guys I perceived as confident—the guys who were popu...

So much of my personality was put on and performative. I can look back now and almost see this play out and feel so much compassion for myself.

What they didn’t see, what I managed to keep hidden, is that the same kid would go home at night, exhausted from pretending all day—pretending

In a world where deep down everyone just wants to fit in, I wish we could realize that it takes true confidence to have enough love for ourselves, a belief that we are enough. But I didn’t understand that back then, and instead I put on my armor each day, piece by piece, to create the facade of confidence that would make the loneliness a little more bearable.

When the “boys’ club” comes up in conversation or the media, the term usually refers to the dominant male culture within a business or organization.

It’s the frat house, the sports bar, the office water cooler, the locker room, and the man cave.

But lately, the boys’ club has been given a political weight: male-dominated fields, events, activities, and groups are not just things, but also bad things. And this value judgment is experienced ...

Isn’t it odd how some of the choices we make in adolescence, the ones that are, at the time, unpopular and get us picked on or bullied, end up becoming some of the very things that make us interesting, unique, and attractive as adults?

Back to interrupting. Often, Emily and I would be in the middle of a regular conversation and I would get an idea or have an opinion about what she is saying WHILE she is saying it and would just start talking over her as if my opinion, thought, or idea is more important, valid, or timely than hers. This is messed up, and yet it’s so completely normalized that it’s become something women almost expect versus a rare behavior that women can complain about.

Most men have friendships with other men, and while there are always exceptions to the rule, many of those friendships are on either side of an extreme. They are either superficial in nature and rooted solely in common interests, sports, politics, video games, poker, work, their kid’s school, or drinking.

Or they are super deep and built on the back of service, shared trauma, pain, or loss, like many servicemen who have fought in the trenches and risked their lives for our freedom.

In those cases, the situations men have been in together create the very bond that the rest of us so desperately crave. But we shouldn’t have to go to war or save someone’s life...

perhaps the most meaningful messages I receive are from some of my closest friends, the ones who over the past several years have made and continue to make conscious efforts to trade in that desire of social capital for our need of social connection.

Men want meaningful friendships; we just don’t know how to have them.

the importance of creating the kinds of spaces where men feel safe enough and confident enough to speak up and share. A space they can trust that what they share won’t be used against them.

So while I’m not going to tell you to ask a guy out for tea, I am going to tell you that if we want to cultivate these kinds of friendships—the kind that are about more than the game or work or the drink, the kind that give us meaning and fulfill a need that literally helps us stay alive—we are going to have to get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

We are going to have to take risks, to do things we have never done, and to say things we have never said. It’s going to feel awkward, strange, and at times even painful. It wil...

I like to think of it like a cold plunge, or one of the hundreds of shin splint ice baths I took after soccer and track practice in high school. Willingly stepping into freezing cold water sucks. I hate it. It’s uncomfortable, it hurts, and if my mind or body feels...

But it’s a practice that has helped me tremendously over the past year, and one that has become an integral part of my life. Sometimes it takes me hours to convince myself to do it. But when I get in and sit in that water, confront that pain head-on, allow myself the space to feel it, and breathe through it, on the other end of that fear and pain lies bliss. In feeling my body adjust and my mind overcome the pain, I feel the benefits. And the longer I have kept up the pra...

In his personal and wildly relatable book I Used to Be a Miserable F*ck, my friend John Kim gives insight into his own journey of self-discovery and the tools he learned along the way. He presents these insigh...

Go on “man dates.” He tells us not to make it weird, to mix activity with real conversations, and to do it often. For me this looks like working out or shooting hoops with a friend or two but leaving enough time to have a conversation about what’s really going on in our lives. This becomes increasingly more difficult as you have kids, but like a marriage, our friendships need watering too. Even if it’s just talkin...

It looks like asking a friend to come over and work out with me, but then also asking him how his heart is when he is here. Often it looks like me sharing how my heart is first, because as we talked about before, there is a permission that’s given to the other person when we ...

I’ve found that the most difficult part of connection is sending that initial text or making that first phone call to try to set up a time to connect.

I can come up with a hundred excuses or reasons not to reach out, just like I do when I don’t want to get into that icy cold water. There’s always a way to justify ourselves out of something we know in the end will be good for us.

I’ve paid enough attention to know that if I can just make that effort to reach out, it almost always pays off.

So I might say, “Man, I’ve been feeling terrible about how busy I have been recently, and I just feel like I am missing out on so many moments with my kids and wife, and I feel it is taking a toll on me. How do you do it?”

The conversation may start in a lot of different ways, but I can confidently say that it will always include being intentional about asking questions. I try to model vulnerability with other men to let them know the water is safe, so to speak. Chances are whatever I am sharing has some sort of parallel in their life.

Whatever the questions may be, wherever the conversation leads, begin to do the work to normalize feelings, emotions, and the desire for friendship, remembering that it isn’t about perfection, but connection. And if you’re anything like me and the friends that I get to do life with, then you know that it’s usually our imperfections that cultivate the deepest connections.

one of my best friends just called me to remind me that in my quest to talk about the hard or uncomfortable stuff, I’ve started to forget to show up for the fun, lightheartedness of friendship that is still needed. He asked me to remember to call my friends not JUST to check in on them and talk about something deep or meaningful, but also to just talk about nothing in particular.

At times I have a tendency to be too focused on growth or solving problems or becoming my best self, and this reminder was so needed because there is also so much gold in the so-called nothingness and simplicity of my male friendships.

Friendships, like our bodies, like our cars or houses, or like any machine we use, require maintenance. We need food and movement to fuel our body. We need gas to fuel our cars, and we need to change the oil in our car and service it regularly. We do this kin...

Let’s use the same principle to get to work on cultivating and maintaining the kind of friendships that bring happiness, true contentment, and meaning—the friendships that, at the ve...

Hot take: you can’t be self-confident if you don’t have a sense of self. Self-confidence without a sense of self, without self-awareness, is fake and performative.

I want to find a way by which we can ground that sense of self in something that is real, so the external expression of confidence is about revealing what is inside, rather than a posture to conceal it.

True masculine power is not out to prove anything, but simply to support the living of a deeper life, a life of authenticity, care, passion, integrity, love, and wakefulness. —ROBERT AUGUSTUS MASTERS, PHD

As a white person, I was taught to say that we don’t see color, that we don’t see our differences, that we treat everyone equally. While this concept of color blindness initially sounds very nice and idealistic to white people, it not only ignores the socialization and foundation on which the United States was built, it also ignores the very rich, beautiful cultures and humanity of people of color.

In fact, the statement “I don’t see color” from a white person, regardless of how well-intentioned it is, oftentimes comes across to a person of color just as it did to Kay, as “I choose not to see YOU.”

Look, it’s no secret we all see color, regardless of what color we are. So when a white person tells a Black person they don’t see color, what they are a...

But when I said that to Kay, what I was actually telling her was that even though I know she is Black, I have chosen to ignore it and whitewash her into a friendship tha...

In addition to telling Kay that I don’t see color, here are other examples of some of the things I have thought, said, posted, and tweeted that I have only recently come to learn are indicative of the racism that exists in me:

“My first friend was a Black girl.” “He was a great athlete, as are many young Black kids.” “It wasn’t about race, man. No need to make a scene.” “Some of my best friends are Black.”

“Black Lives Matter, and so do ‘blue lives,’ and so do ‘all lives’—we ...