The Courage to be Happy: True Contentment Is In Your Power

by Ichiro Kishimi

The most important point of difference is the presence or absence of ‘story’. Religion explains the world by means of stories. You could say that gods are the protagonists of the grand stories that religions use to explain the world. By contrast, philosophy rejects stories. It tries to explain the world by means of abstract concepts that have no protagonists.

with someone who purports to know everything, or someone who has stopped in their path of knowing and thinking, regardless of their belief in the existence or nonexistence of god, or even the presence or absence of their faith, they are venturing into religion.

What does one want children to become as a result of one’s providing them with an education? YOUTH: One wants them to become independent adults?

Education is not intervention but assistance towards self-reliance.

It’s because of other people and society that there is knowledge that should be studied? PHILOSOPHER: Yes! ‘Knowledge’ here refers not only to scholarly studies but includes the knowledge that people need to live happily. In short, how one should live within a community. How one should interact with others. How one can locate one’s proper place in that community. To know ‘me’ and to know ‘you’. To know the true nature of a person, and to understand the way in which a person ought to live. Adler referred to such knowledge as ‘human knowledge’.

There are the following two objectives for behaviour: 1. To be self-reliant 2. To live in harmony with society And there are the following two objectives for the psychology that supports these behaviours: 1. The consciousness that I have the ability 2. The consciousness that people are my comrades

RESPECT IS SEEING A PERSON AS HE IS

You’re saying I should respect each and every problem child? PHILOSOPHER: Yes. Because at the root of it is ‘respect for people’. One’s respect is not limited to specific others, but extends to other people of all kinds, from family and friends to unknown passers-by, and even to people in other countries whom one will never meet as long as one lives.

‘Respect denotes the ability to see a person as he is; to be aware of his unique individuality.’

Respect means the concern that the other person should grow and unfold as he is.’

Place value on the person being that person without pushing your own value system on them. And further, assist in their growth or unfolding. That is precisely what respect is. In the attitude of trying to manipulate or correct another person, there is no respect whatsoever.

That is not something you can control. Maybe they will change, and maybe they will not. But as a result of your respect, each of the students will accept themselves for being who they are and regain the courage to be self-reliant. There is no doubting this. Whether they use their regained courage is up to each student.

You can lead them to water, but you can’t make them drink. No matter how gifted you are as an educator, there is no guarantee that they will change.

Respect is not something that comes about with words.

Start from respect, the philosopher was saying. And that it is not only the foundation of education that is built through respect, but the base of all interpersonal relationships.

To get away from one’s attachment to oneself, and to have concern for other people. If one progresses in accordance with these guidelines, one arrives at ‘social feeling’ as a matter of course.

Adler proposes the following: first of all, think, ‘What if I had the same kind of heart and life as this person?’ If one does that, one should be able to understand that ‘I would probably be faced with the same sort of task as this person.’ And from that point, one should be able to imagine further, that ‘I would probably deal with it in the same sort of way.’

When you look at your speech and conduct, and at other people’s speech and conduct, think about the goals that are hidden in them. This is a basic way of thinking in Adlerian psychology.

we are not creatures who are determined by past events. Rather, we determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to those events.

Adler’s ideas are based on the strong belief in human dignity and human potential that human beings can determine themselves at any time.

If we go out on a limb and use an extreme expression, carrying out change is ‘death itself’.

Now, regardless of how dissatisfied you may be with your current situation, can you choose death? Can you throw yourself into the bottomless darkness? This is not such an easy thing to talk about. That is why people do not try to change and why they want to feel okay with things as they are, no matter how tough life gets. And they end up living in search of ‘okay as I am’ ingredients in order to affirm their current situation.

it would be to sum up their past by saying, ‘I’ve been through a lot, but I’m fine with it.’

in our world, ‘the past’ in the real sense of the word does not exist. It is just painted in an endless array of colours of ‘now’, each with its own interpretations.

history is something that is always rewritten by the victor? PHILOSOPHER: It is the same with us as individuals. Every person is a compiler of a story of ‘me’ who rewrites his or her own past as desired to prove the legitimacy of ‘me now’.

With regard to memory, think of it like this: from the innumerable events that have happened in a person’s past, that person chooses only those events that are compatible with the present goals, gives meaning to them and turns them into memories. And conversely, events that run counter to the present goals are erased.

Was one bitten by a dog? Or was one helped by another person? The reason Adlerian psychology is considered a ‘psychology of use’ is this aspect of ‘being able to choose one’s own life’. The past does not decide ‘now’. It is your ‘now’ that decides the past.

If I were to listen to stories about ‘that bad person’ or ‘poor me’ and sympathise with your plight by saying things like, ‘That must have been tough’ or ‘It’s not your fault at all,’ it is true that you might get some temporary solace. And you might even have a sense of satisfaction that it was good to get counselling or good to consult this person.

That is why, in Adlerian psychology, we talk to each other about ‘What should one do from now on?’

The first stage of problem behaviour is the ‘demand for admiration’.

You teach them continually that they have worth, even if they are not special. By showing them respect.

Instead of focusing on whenever a child does some ‘good’ thing, turn your attention to the smaller everyday details of the words and actions of the person. And then, focus on and feel sympathy for that person’s concerns. That’s all.

The second stage of problem behaviour is ‘attention drawing’.

The third stage of problem behaviour. Here, their goals plunge into ‘power struggles’.

The fourth stage of problem behaviour. Here, the person plunges into the stage of ‘revenge’.

Demand for admiration, attention drawing and power struggles. All these are expressions of the love-starved feeling that says, ‘I want you to have greater regard for me.’

the moment that a person realises his longing for love will not be fulfilled, he does an about-face and begins to look for hate.

Pay attention to me, within that emotion of hatred.

there is nothing you can do about it. Their goal is revenge on you. The more you try to give them a helping hand, the more their words and actions will escalate, as they will only see it as an opportunity for revenge. At this point, the only thing to do is request assistance from a completely outside party who has no vested interest whatsoever.

The fifth stage of problem behaviour is ‘proof of incompetence’.

‘Don’t expect anything of me, because I’m incompetent’? PHILOSOPHER: Yes. They start to despair on life, they despise themselves from the bottom of their hearts and firmly believe that they can’t solve anything.

With children who are really in the fifth stage, while they are acting like utter fools, they may appear to actually be suffering some mental illness. Whenever they find themselves trying to do their work or trying to think about things, they put on the brakes. And then they pessimistically reject their assignments and also reject the expectations of those around them.

even for a specialist, the path of providing assistance to children who have entered the proof of incompetence stage is a very difficult one.

The five stages of problem behaviour. It certainly is an interesting analysis. First you look for admiration and then go all out to get people’s attention, and when that doesn’t work, you start power struggles, which then turns into heinous revenge. And lastly, make a show of your own incompetence.

all of these are rooted in a ‘sense of belonging’; that is to say, the goal of securing a special position within the community.

if rebuking were effective as an educational approach, just doing it a few times at the outset should be enough to put a stop to the problem behaviour. Why do they end up always rebuking? Why do they always put on a scary face and always use a loud voice? Hasn’t it ever seemed odd to you?

You feel annoyed by having to communicate with your students with words, and you are rebuking them to try to force them into quick submission. Using anger as a weapon, wielding guns of reproach, brandishing the sword of authority. This is an immature and foolish attitude for an educator to have.

the Serenity Prayer that has been passed down orally in Christian societies? YOUTH: Yes, of course I do: ‘God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom always to tell the difference.’

To paraphrase Kant, whose discussion of self-reliance is pertinent here, ‘Man’s juvenile condition is not due to lack of reason. It is that he has neither the resolution nor the courage to use his reason without direction from another. That is to say, man is responsible for being stuck in his own juvenile condition.’

It is easier to live according to ‘direction from another’. One does not have to think about difficult things, and one does not have to take responsibility for failure. All one has to do is swear a certain allegiance and someone will take care of all one’s troublesome tasks.