Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

by Lori Gottlieb

Why, he wants to know, is the world filled with so many idiots? Are they born this way? Do they become this way?

It’s impossible to get to know people deeply and not come to like them.

change and loss travel together.

sometimes hell is us.

most people are what therapists call “unreliable narrators.”

“It’s not you, it’s me” (always code for It’s not me, it’s you).

Both involve a kind of nudity. Both have the potential to thrill. And both have millions of users, most of whom keep their use private.

many people who go to therapy choose not to admit it.

“The only way out is through.”

Sitting-with-you-in-your-pain is one of the rare experiences that people get in the protected space of a therapy room, but it’s very hard to give or get outside of it

One step.

you can do everything right — in life or in a treatment protocol — and still get the short end of the stick.

experience of “feeling felt.”

High-functioning is therapist code for “a good patient,”

most therapists prefer to work with patients who are verbal, motivated, open, and responsible — these are the patients who improve more quickly.

patients often feel hopeful after making that first appointment, before even setting foot in the therapy room.

Yes, I’m a mess now because this whole thing is a shock, but soon I’ll make sense of

Patients, of course, want to be helped, but they also want to be liked and admired.

Attachment styles are formed early in childhood based on our interactions with our caregivers.

maladaptive attachment styles can be modified in adulthood — this, in fact, is a lot of the work of therapy.

therapeutic alliance, a trust that has to develop before any work can get done.

defenses serve a useful purpose. They shield people from injury … until they no longer need them.

they need somebody else to read between the lines.

if you go consistently and work hard when you’re there, you’ll get the kinks out and function so much better.

whatever a patient does with his therapist, he also does with others,

In idiot compassion, you avoid rocking the boat to spare people’s feelings, even though the boat needs rocking and your compassion ends up being more harmful than your honesty.

caring about the person but also giving him or her a loving truth bomb when needed.

we therapists strive to notice our very un-neutral feelings and biases and opinions (what we call countertransference),

numbness isn’t the absence of feelings; it’s a response to being overwhelmed by too many feelings.

Patients want our patience but may not have much patience themselves.

Both are you in that fraction of time, and neither is you in your entirety.

the path to peace is to call a truce with themselves.

You’re not choosing the pain, but you’re choosing the suffering.”

if I’m clinging to the suffering so tightly, I must be getting something out of it.

“The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it.”

Don’t judge your feelings; notice them. Use them as your map. Don’t be afraid of the truth.

There is a continuing decision to be made as to whether to evade pain, or to tolerate it and therefore modify it.

Changing our relationship to the past is a staple of therapy.

having the future taken away is the mother of all plot twists.

there would always be somebody whose life seemed more — or less — enviable.

Repress those thoughts, and you’ll likely behave “badly.” Acknowledge them, and you’ll grow.

as each second passes, we’re all in the process of coming closer to our eventual deaths.

people with these disorders believe that others are creating the problems in their lives.

They know something’s off with them.

having traits of a personality disorder doesn’t necessarily mean that a person meets the criteria for an official diagnosis.

everyone exhibits a tad of this or that personality disorder,

rooted in the very human wish for

self-preservation, acceptance,...

Breakups tend to fall into the category of silent losses, less tangible to other people.

It’s easy to have smooth relationships on a surface level.)