Don't Sweat the Small Stuff ... and it's all small stuff: Simple Ways to Keep the Little Things from Taking Over Your Life

by Richard Carlson

gratitude and inner peace go hand in hand.

The point is to gear your attention toward gratitude, preferably first thing in the morning.

I learned a long time ago that it’s easy to allow my mind to slip into various forms of negativity. When I do, the first thing that leaves me is my sense of gratitude.

there is virtually always a parallel between our attitude toward strangers and our overall level of happiness. In other words, it’s unusual to find a person who walks around with her head down, frowning and looking away from people, who is secretly a peaceful, joyful person.

if you think of strangers as being a little more like you and treat them not only with kindness and respect but with smiles and eye contact as well, you’ll probably notice some pretty nice changes in yourself.

You’ll also notice how nice and grateful people can be when you’re the first one to reach out.

I can’t think of a single person whom I would consider to be inwardly peaceful who doesn’t carve out at least a little quiet time, virtually every day.

quiet time to yourself is a vital part of life.

if you want quality, fulfilling communication that is nourishing to you and others, understanding others must come first.

They needed to learn to stop interrupting each other and to listen carefully. Rather than defending their own positions, each needed to seek first to understand.

Seeking first to understand isn’t about who’s right or wrong; it is a philosophy of effective communication. When you practice this method you’ll notice that the people you communicate with will feel listened to, heard, and understood.

Effective listening is more than simply avoiding the bad habit of interrupting others while they are speaking or finishing their sentences. It’s being content to listen to the entire thought of someone rather than waiting impatiently for your chance to respond.

But as you wait for the people you are communicating with to finish, as you simply listen more intently to what is being said, you’ll notice that the pressure you feel is off. You’ll immediately feel more relaxed, and so will the people you are talking to.

The tiniest disagreement or glitch in your plans can be made into a big deal if your goal (conscious or unconscious) is to have everything work out in your favor.

The truth is, life is rarely exactly the way we want it to be, and other people often don’t act as we would like them to.

There are always going to be people who disagree with you, people who do things differently, and things that don’t work out. If you fight against this principle of life, you’ll spend most of your life fighting battles. A more peaceful way to live is to decide consciously which battles are worth fighting and which are better left alone.

when you’re in a bad mood, life looks unbearably serious and difficult. You have very little perspective. You take things personally and often misinterpret those around you, as you impute malignant motives into their actions.

A low mood is not the time to analyze your life.

The next time you feel low, for whatever reason, remind yourself, “This too shall pass.” It will.

When you look at life and its many challenges as a test, or series of tests, you begin to see each issue you face as an opportunity to grow,

If I wanted to be happy, my goal didn’t necessarily have to be to organize my life perfectly so that I had more time, but rather to see whether I could get to the point where I felt it was okay that I couldn’t get everything done that I felt I must.

It has become far more acceptable to me to accept things as they are.

you’ll never be able to please all the people all the time.

The sooner we accept the inevitable dilemma of not being able to win the approval of everyone we meet, the easier our lives will become.

Perhaps the greatest reason to practice random kindness is that it brings great contentment into your life.

having the perspective to give others the benefit of the doubt.

learning to be less bothered by the actions of people.

an occasional comment, constructive criticism, or helpful guidance isn’t cause for alarm.

The thought that one should "never try to fix their partner" doesn't seem like particularly good advice. While one doesn't want to constantly hector their partner, everyone has things they need to improve upon in order to improve the health of the relationship. If you refuse to address one of your partner's habits that is making you genuninely unhappy, simply for fear of looking like you're trying to "fix them", you are only increasing the chance that this habit will eventually grow into an unresolvable problem down the line, and therefore put the relationship in peril.

When you are genuinely curious about the way someone reacts or the way they feel about something, it’s unlikely that you will also be annoyed.

When someone acts in a way that seems strange to you, rather than reacting in your usual way, such as, “I can’t believe they would do that,” instead say something to yourself like “I see, that must be the way she sees things in her world. Very interesting.”

When we expect to see things differently, when we take it as a given that others will do things differently and react differently to the same stimuli, the compassion we have for ourselves and for others rises dramatically.

While it is helpful to recognize that people will often see things differently, that does not mean that each viewpoint is equally valid. Perspectives are often based in misformation or ignorance of the circumstances.

How often do you remember (or take the time), to tell people how much you like, admire, or appreciate them?

There are several reasons why we don’t vocally let others know about our positive feelings toward them. I’ve heard excuses like, “They don’t need to hear me say that—they already know,” and “I do admire her, but I’m too embarrassed to say anything.”

Our minds are powerful instruments. When we decide that something is true or beyond our reach, it’s very difficult to pierce through this self-created hurdle.

This is why the best method is to enter any topic with curiosity rather than simply desiring to have your existing gut-instinct confirmed.

A person who feels attacked is likely to do one of two things: he will either retreat in fear or shame, or he will attack or lash out in anger.

It doesn’t make you weak to soften your positions.

offers you a chance to learn something about yourself by seeing a grain of truth in another position,

In fact, negative reactions to criticism often convince the person doing the criticizing that they are accurate in their assessment of you.

See the Glass as Already Broken

The essence of this teaching is that all of life is in a constant state of change. Everything has a beginning and everything has an end.

There is peace to be found in this teaching. When you expect something to break, you’re not surprised or disappointed when it does. Instead of becoming immobilized when something is destroyed, you feel grateful for the time you have had.

We tend to believe that if we were somewhere else—on vacation, with another partner, in a different career, a different home, a different circumstance—somehow we would be happier and more content. We wouldn’t!

The truth is, if you have destructive mental habits—if you get annoyed and bothered easily, if you feel angry and frustrated a great deal of the time, or if you’re constantly wishing things were different, these identical tendencies will follow you, wherever you go.

It’s absolutely true that “Wherever you go, there you are.”

You’ll find that being listened to is one of the rarest and most treasured gifts you can offer. All it takes is intention and practice.

often, what many of us do is simply wait for our chance to speak. We’re not really listening to the other person, but simply waiting for an opening to express our own view.

This harried form of communication encourages us to criticize points of view, overreact, misinterpret meaning, impute false motives, and form opinions, all before our fellow communicator is even finished speaking.

Gently interrupting can sometimes be appropriate if someone is about to embark on a long-winded response attacking a viewpoint that you don't actually hold.

When you observe peaceful, relaxed people, you find that when they are feeling good, they are very grateful. They understand that both positive and negative feelings come and go,

They accept the inevitability of passing feelings.

Rather than fight their feelings and panic simply because they are feeling bad, they accept their feelings, knowing that this too shall pass.