The Wisdom of the Enneagram

by Don Richard Riso

Generating Support. In the average range, Social Sixes handle anxiety by looking to friends and allies for reassurance and support. They project friendliness and attempt to create bonds with others, disarming them with warmth and humor. They often make fun of themselves while offering support and affection to others, and they can sometimes be mistaken for Twos. Social Sixes are the most concerned about fitting in. (“There’s safety in numbers.”) They are fairly idealistic, enjoying the feeling of being part of something larger than themselves—a cause or corporation or movement or group—and are willing to make major sacrifices for the security of that affiliation.

Social Sixes can also sometimes resemble Ones in their adherence to protocols and procedures. They look for reassurance through commitments, obligations, and contracts—insurance that their hard work will not be taken advantage of. When they are more insecure, Social Sixes look for places of safety where like-minded individuals help each other out (twelve-step groups).

Although able to make major efforts for others or for their group, Social Sixes can often have difficulty working for their own success or development. Anxiety can lead them to look for consensus before they act or make decisions; anxiety also leads them to reference the potential responses of others in their imagination. Their own indecisiveness bothers them, however, and leads to ambivalence about depending on allies or authorities. They fear losing the support of the group or authority but chafe at the bit. If frustrated, they can develop passive-aggressive issues with authorities and friends. Under stress, they easily feel pressured, overworked, and underappreciated. At such times, they can be negative and pessimistic.

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Level 1: Key Terms: Self-Reliant, Courageous Liberated Sixes let go of the belief that they must rely on someone or something outside themselves for support: they discover their own inner guidance. They also paradoxically achieve their Basic Desire—to find security and support, particularly in their own inner guidance. They then become truly secure with themselves, grounded, serene, and valiant.

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Level 2: Key Terms: Engaging, Reliable Sixes focus on the environment to find support and to alert themselves to dangers. They are friendly, trustworthy, and engaging, seeking to build connection and stability in their world. Self-image: “I am solid, attentive, and dependable.”

Level 3: Key Terms: Committed, Cooperative Sixes reinforce their self-image by responsibly working to create and sustain mutually beneficial systems. They form alliances with others, bringing thrift, hard work, and an attention to details. They are well-disciplined and practical, often foreseeing potential problems before they arise.

Level 4: Key Terms: Dutiful, Loyal Sixes begin to fear that they will lose their independence but also believe they need more support. They invest themselves in the people and organizations that they believe will help them, but are uneasy about it. They seek reassurance and guidance in procedures, rules, authorities, and philosophies.

Level 5: Key Terms: Ambivalent, Defensive Sixes worry that they cannot meet the conflicting demands of their different commitments, so they try to resist having any more pressure put on them without alienating their supporters. They are anxious, pessimistic, and suspicious, leading to greater caution, impulsiveness, and indecision.

Level 6: Key Terms: Authoritarian, Blaming Sixes fear that they are losing the support of their allies, and they are extremely unsure of themselves, so they look for causes for their anxiety. They are embittered, cynical, and reactive, feeling that their good faith has been betrayed. They blame others and get into power struggles.

Level 7: Key Terms: Panicky, Unreliable Sixes fear that their actions have harmed their own security, and this may be true. Their reactive behavior may have caused crises in their lives, so they trust themselves even less. They feel panicky, depressed, and helpless and so look for something to save them from their predicament.

Level 8: Key Terms: Paranoid, Lashing Out Sixes become so insecure and desperate that they begin to believe that others will destroy whatever safety they have left. They harbor paranoid fears and delusional ideas about the world. They rant about their obsessive fears and may strike out at real or imagined enemies. Level 9: Key Terms: Self-Abasing, Self-Destructive The realization that they have committed acts for which they will likely be punished is too much for unhealthy Sixes. Guilt and self-hatred lead them to punish themselves, inviting disgrace and bringing down all that they have achieved. Suicide attempts to elicit rescue are not uncommon.

Average Sixes are frequently worried about the future. Because they have serious doubts about themselves and the world, they start to look for a “sure thing” that will guarantee their security—anything from a marriage to a job to a belief system to a network of friends to a self-help book. Most Sixes have more than one sure thing—just in case. They are the type that believes in saving for a rainy day, and investing for the future, and being loyal to a company in order to ensure their pension.

Simply put, Sixes are seeking assurance and insurance, trying to hedge their bets. They feel that life is fraught with dangers and uncertainties so it must be approached with caution and limited expectations. Sixes have personal wishes and dreams, of course, but they are afraid to take actions that might undermine their security. (“I’d love to be an actor, but you need something to fall back on.”) They become more concerned with establishing and maintaining their safety nets than with pursuing their true goals and aspirations.

They increasingly turn to safe bets, reliable procedures, and tried-and-true methods for solving problems. Doing things the way they have been done before gives Sixes a feeling of weight and solidity. With other people or with tradition behind them, they feel they have the backup they need to move ahead. For instance, Sixes would generally be hesitant to work for a company that has no track record, or one that looks promising but risky. They prefer an employer that seems to have time-tested staying power. Ironically, however, when Sixes feel uncertain about their situation, they may act impulsively simply to bring closure to their anxieties. Sometimes this works—sometimes it undermines their security.

DARING TO FOLLOW YOUR HEART Sixes tend to err on the side of caution, thus missing many possibilities for self-development and fulfillment. In your Inner Work Journal, record any examples of times in your life when you let significant opportunities for growth and challenge pass you by. Why did you decide to let them go? Would belief in your own abilities have changed the outcome? Recall some times when you did fly against common sense and took a chance. We are not referring to impulsive acting out but rather to those times when you consciously chose to stretch yourself. What was the outcome? How did you feel at the time? Are there areas in your life now where you know that you are resisting your true desires out of fear or doubts about yourself? What can you do differently?

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The Social Role: The Stalwart Average Sixes want to reinforce their support system, to strengthen their alliances and/or their position with authorities. To that end, they invest most of their time and energy in the commitments they have made, hoping that their sacrifices will pay off in increased security and mutual support. Similarly, as a defense against growing anxiety or uncertainty, Sixes become invested in particular beliefs, be they political, philosophical, or spiritual.

Sixes tirelessly volunteer themselves to be “the responsible one.” They put in long hours working to ensure that the relationship or job or belief that they have invested in will continue to thrive and support them. This inevitably raises questions in their doubting minds: Are they being taken advantage of? Do others want them around only because of their hard work and dependability? Would they still be wanted if they stopped working so hard? Thus, playing their Social Role ironically begins to create social insecurities.

Sixes would like a guarantee that if they do all they are supposed to do, then God (or the company, or their family) will take care of them. They believe that if they and their allies manage their environment well enough, then all unpredictable and potentially dangerous events will be avoided or controlled. But countries rise and fall, and even the largest corporations go out of business or have cycles of growth and recession. There is nothing that Sixes can do in the external world that will make them feel secure if they are insecure within themselves.

WHAT SUPPORTS YOU? Examine the “social security” systems you have created in your own life. Have they really made you more secure? What have they cost you? What would you do without one of them? Beyond these investments of your time and energy, consider all the different ways that your life is supported every day. (Hint: Did you grow, process, and package the food you had today?)

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Fear, Anxiety, and Doubt While not one of the classic seven “Capital Sins,” fear has been assigned as the “Passion” (or underlying emotional distortion) of the Six, since the root of so much of Type Six’s behavior is based on insecurity and reactions to fear. Sixes’ fear can be seen in worry about their security and about potential future problems, but also in chronic self-doubt and anxieties about others. Although Sixes can appear on the surface to be extremely friendly and people-oriented, they often harbor deep fears that others will abandon them, reject them, or harm them. They fear that they will make some mistake that will ruin their relationships and that others will unexpectedly turn against them. Thus, much of their friendliness comes from a desire to “check in” with others to make sure that everything is still okay.

“I get anxious and then look for reasons why I’m anxious.”

Unlike other types who repress (or at least distract themselves from) their fears and anxieties, Sixes seem to be constantly conscious of them. Sometimes they are energized by their fears, but more often than not, they are confused, enervated, and unnerved by them. However, they may not outwardly seem to be all that nervous since much of their anxiety is internal.

Sixes learn to cope with fear either by reacting with it or against it. Some Sixes express themselves more aggressively, while others are more visibly timid. This is not to say that there are two kinds of Sixes; rather, we see that some Sixes express themselves counterphobically more often than others and that much of this probably comes from superego messages learned in childhood. Some Sixes were instructed to be tough and found that they could protect themselves by being relatively aggressive. Other Sixes were taught to avoid trouble and turn the other cheek.

Of course, in most Sixes these two tendencies coexist, alternately taking the upper hand, as Connie knows very well. I feel like a frightened rabbit that doesn’t know which way to go. I need to find the courage to move. On the other hand, when there is a crisis, I function very well. No fear there. When my loved ones are attacked, watch out! I just put myself on automatic, and off I go to defend and rescue anyone who needs me. But taking the lead or taking responsibility for other people where I have to think and stay in my head just brings up panic.

EXPLORING ANXIETY In your Inner Work Journal, can you list ten or more instances or areas where fear, anxiety, or doubt habitually show up? Can you identify particular times, people, places, or other triggers that get you revved up with anxiety and tension? While there is clearly a negative component to these states, can you also discern a positive payoff that you might also unwittingly be seeking—such as gaining sympathy from others, or their protection? How do you complain or otherwise show your displeasure? What would it be like to not behave this way? What do you think would be gained? What would be lost?

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Seeking Support for Independence Although Sixes want to feel supported by others, they do not want to feel engulfed by anyone, and it feels uncomfortable when someone starts to overwhelm them with too much attention or closeness. They want distance from others, while still knowing that others are there for them. “One hand washes the other.” Paradoxically, they run the risk of becoming dependent on someone to become independent. They may be like a girl who, desperate to leave an oppressive home, marries a controlling and possessive man. Anxiety often makes them jump too fast into an apparent solution, like the entrepreneur who quits his job to start his own business, only to feel even more oppressed by demanding investors or government regulations with which he must contend. The irony is that the more insecure and lacking confidence they are, the more Sixes rely on external support, and the more they lose their independence. If their self-confidence is severely damaged, their dependency on a person or a belief system can become so deep and extensive that they cannot imagine living without it. In other cases, they can develop a “siege mentality,” feeling that others are out to harm or exploit them. These suspicions can lead to social isolation.

UNDOING “AMNESIA OF SUCCESS” You are much more capable than you realize. Everyone needs assistance and support from time to time, but you sometimes undervalue your contribution to the support of others. Take a moment to list the ways that you have supported significant people in your life. Then make a list of ways that you have supported yourself. In this second list, make sure to include important accomplishments that made you feel good about yourself. Study these lists. Which is longer? How do you feel about each of these lists?

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Looking for Answers Because they do not feel they can trust their own inner guidance, Sixes often look for answers in ideas and insights first propounded by others. Sixes do not just jump on the bandwagon, however; they will subject these ideas to scrutiny and testing and eventually may replace them with yet other ideas. More insecure Sixes will tend to simply accept the ideas of others, but even in this case, they can also resist and question them aggressively. Either way, their natural response is first to look outside of themselves for something to believe, and if that fails, to react against it and look for something else. Doubt, questioning, believing, searching, skepticism, and resistance are always part of the picture.

In general, Sixes tend to be mistrustful of authority until they are reassured that the authority is benevolent and “knows what he’s talking about.” Once Sixes feel that they have found a “good” authority, however, they strongly identify with it and internalize its values and teachings. (If the boss likes them, it makes them feel great. If they discover a new mentor who seems wise and helpful, they are elated. If they find a political system or leader who seems trustworthy, they can get involved in a very big way.) But Sixes are never entirely convinced: they harbor nagging doubts, while often expressing their adopted views all the more forcefully to suppress their doubts.

“There is nothing easy about becoming conscious. My own life was much easier before I knew about the deeper meaning of choice, the power of choice that accompanies taking responsibility. Abdicating responsibility to an outside source can seem, at least for the moment, so much easier. Once you know better, however, you can’t get away with kidding yourself for long.” CAROLINE MYSS

Sixes often attempt to solve the problem of finding the “right” answers by aligning themselves with multiple authorities and systems. They may believe in a religious affiliation, have strong political convictions, listen to the opinions of their spouses, take lessons from their fitness trainer, and read self-help books for further advice. If these different messages and teachings conflict, Sixes are right back where they started—uncomfortably trying to make up their own minds. Thus, Sixes are cautious and skeptical about taking on new beliefs or relationships. This is because Sixes are aware of the intensity of their commitment, once made, and want to avoid making a mistake. Should Sixes have any reason to suspect their authority of being unjust or unwise, their feelings of doubt can blossom quickly into rebellion or rejection. Of course, no belief system or relationship will always provide perfect guidance and support. Until Sixes become aware of this pattern, they will play out their dance of trust and doubt over and over again.

QUESTIONING THE ROOTS OF YOUR BELIEFS What are the foundations of your belief-system? Are these based on your own experiences or on the authority of trusted friends, mentors, books, or teachings? How do you evaluate the truth or falseness of a belief?

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Sixes dislike having too many options. They feel more confident in situations with well-defined procedures, guidelines, and rules, such as the legal profession, or accounting, or academia. When the demands on them are clear, however, they can be highly effective at creating structure and organization—often serving as the head of a group or corporation that governs by consensus. Not all Sixes are comfortable in organizations, however, given their suspicion of authority. Many Sixes find a great deal of flexibility and creativity within the security of known boundaries. For them, it is no more restrictive to play within the rules of an organization than it is to play tennis with the net up or to read a book starting at the beginning. As far as they are concerned, things have a natural order, and they are usually content to work within it—as long as they also retain some choice about whether to ignore it. (They may never exercise this choice, but they still want to know that it is there.) Even artists, writers, therapists, and other creative individuals who are Sixes like working with established forms (the Blues, Country, sonatas, haiku) and find freedom within these structures. Sixes feel safer when they have some sense of what to expect, so they typically dislike sudden changes. Having a certain amount of dependable predictability is comforting to their anxious minds.

TRUSTING YOUR OWN INNER KNOWING Watch for times in which you or someone else has a question about what to do in a situation. For example, there might be a question about how to approach a problem at work, or a friend might come to you for advice about a marriage. Notice how you approach the problem. Do you rely on precedents? (“The company policy on that is . . .” or “The spiritual teaching that I’ve learned says . . .”) Or do you turn to your own intelligence—especially the intelligence of your heart and instincts?

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Overcommitment and “Covering All the Bases” Sixes try to fulfill their commitments to many different people and situations, but inevitably they find it impossible to satisfy everyone. Then they become like the Little Dutch Boy who has to put his fingers in all the holes to keep the dike from leaking. They become overextended and often feel taken advantage of. For example, a Six at the office might hear from his spouse that she has made dinner reservations at a fine restaurant—“just for us”—on Friday night. The Six, wanting to reinforce the security he derives from his marriage, agrees and looks forward to a pleasant evening. At about this point, his boss comes in and, knowing the Six to be a reliable and persevering worker, asks if he can stay late on Friday night to meet a Monday morning deadline. Not wanting to disappoint—or get in trouble with the boss—the Six agrees to stay later, while beginning to fearfully figure out what to tell his wife. Later that afternoon, his best friend calls to remind him of their date—made the previous week—for a card game on Friday night. The Six is now in a quandary. Because he has overcommitted himself—trying to cover all the bases—he cannot help but disappoint someone. “Damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.” The Six will be racked with fear that others will get angry with him, although he may not actually check to see if this is the case. No matter, the Six’s anxious mind will fill in the gaps with fearful projections and imagine...

BEING THERE FOR EVERYONE Look for areas in your life where you have tended to overcommit yourself. What was your motivation for doing so? What prevented you from saying no when you were overbooked? What was the result of your overcommitment for you? For others?

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The Inner Committee While Ones have a powerful inner critic in their heads, Sixes have an inner committee. Sixes often check in with them, imagining what their response would be to a given situation. (“Gee, I don’t know if I should take this job. What would Julie say? She’d definitely be for it, but Dad would really disapprove. On the other hand, that self-help book said . . .”) Thus, when they have to make a decision, Sixes will feel caught between various internal voices arguing for different positions and responsibilities. Sometimes the loudest internal voice will win out; at other times, there is a deadlock and procrastination. Sixes may find themselves unable to come to any closure or final decision because they cannot stop second-guessing themselves. As a result, Sixes often feel indecisive. Although they may feel strongly about things, they are not certain that they know the best course of action to take. Every choice brings the deliberations of the inner committee, which can lead Sixes around and around in circles. On the other hand, in highly significant matters (such as where to live or which religion to believe in), Sixes usually have strong opinions and can be rather inflexible because they have settled their doubts sometime in the past and have come to a conclusion to which they then doggedly adhere. By contrast, it is in the smaller choices in life where they tend to bounce back and forth, constantly second-guessing themselves. (“Do I get the hamburger or t...

FIRING THE INNER COMMITTEE Are you aware of your inner committee? Who sits on it? In the past, when you’ve tried to imagine the responses of your allies and authorities, have their real responses been the way you imagined them?

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Vigilance, Suspicion, and Catastrophizing Because of their feelings of being unsupported, Sixes develop an extraordinary sensitivity to danger signals. This is even truer if they grew up in an environment that was unsafe or unstable, or if they were traumatized in some way. While this kind of awareness can be an asset and can even save a person’s life, many Sixes remain hyper-alert and hyper-vigilant even when no danger is present. They can never relax, never feel safe. Their eyes dart about nervously, scanning their surroundings for potential threats or problems. (Many Sixes have reported being aware of where the exits are in any room they are occupying and what stands between them and the exit.) This relationship with the world is extremely stressful and over time can even change their brain chemistry. Further, it begins to shape their imaginations, resulting in a constant expectation of mishap or danger.

Average Sixes can also become very pessimistic and sour. They may have extremely low self-esteem and “amnesia” about their past successes and accomplishments. It is as if nothing in their past can convince them that they will be able to deal effectively with the problems at hand—and they see problems in every direction.

Sixes feel that any small mishap could be their undoing. They make mountains out of molehills and can be relied on to come up with all of the reasons why a project or endeavor will not work. Naturally, this can affect their attitudes at work, but it also affects their personal relationships. Slight misunderstandings or differences of opinion can indicate to the Six that she is facing imminent abandonment, or that her friends and supporters have turned against her. Left unchecked, this tendency can undermine significant relationships, or trigger paranoid responses to what they perceive as injustices directed at themselves.

OVERCOMING PESSIMISM Learn to discern real dangers from potential ones. How often do you expect bad outcomes? Do you have trouble believing that things will work out? Do you choose to think about problems or is it a reflex? While anticipating future problems may have some usefulness, it more generally leads you away from dealing with the reality of here and now—the one place you can find the steadiness and guidance to move into the next moment.

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In the adult world, Sixes more commonly discharge their anxieties by complaining to third parties about the people with whom they are frustrated. For many Sixes, the dinner table at home is the favorite place to vent about disappointments at work or to let off steam about someone’s incompetence. Similar activities occur around coffee machines at the office or at bars after hours. Simply put, Sixes feel put-upon and victimized and frequently fall into the habit of complaining without taking any definite action that would change the situation. Over time, this begins to heighten their self-image of being victims, often leading to paranoia and the destructive modes of “problem-solving” we find in the unhealthy range.

WHY IS EVERYBODY MESSING UP MY LIFE? How many of your conversations involve complaining? About your job, relationships, children, parents, sports team, politics, town, or even the weather? When you are complaining about a person, have you discussed this matter fully with that person? Who or what are you blaming for the problems in your life?

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REACTING TO STRESS: SIX GOES TO THREE As we have seen, Sixes tirelessly invest their time and energy in their “security systems.” When stress increases beyond their normal ability to cope, Sixes may go to Three and become even more driven and potentially workaholic. They also make additional efforts to fit in, adapting themselves to their surroundings and striving to be exemplary enough to maintain their social and financial position. Thus, Sixes at Three become more image-conscious, developing the right look, gestures, jargon, and attitude to be acceptable to their peers. They hope in this way to win people over and avoid rejection. However, others often notice the forced quality of their friendliness or professionalism, leading them to wonder what Sixes are really up to. Like Threes, Sixes can become competitive, although usually through identification with groups or beliefs (a favorite football team, their company, school, nationality, or religion). They may also become boastful and self-promoting, adopting condescending attitudes, dismissing others, and hyping their own superiority in a desperate attempt to defend against their low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority. Dishonesty about their background or education, exploitation of self or others, and a relentless desire to triumph over rival groups or ideologies can enter the picture.

THE RED FLAG: THE SIX IN TROUBLE WARNING SIGNS POTENTIAL PATHOLOGY: Paranoid, Dependent, and Borderline Personality Disorders, Dissociative Disorders, and passive-aggressive behaviors, intense anxiety attacks. Intense anxiety and panic attacks Acute inferiority feelings and chronic depression Constant fear of losing support from others Alternating dependency and impulsive displays of defiance Keeping “bad company” and attachments to abusive relationships Extreme suspiciousness and paranoia Hysterical lashing-out at perceived enemies If Sixes are overstressed for an extended period of time, if they have suffered a serious crisis without adequate support or coping skills, or if they have suffered from chronic abuse in childhood, they may cross the shock point into the unhealthy range of their type. This may lead them to a fearful recognition that their own belligerent actions or defensive reactions are actually harming their security. If Sixes can recognize the truth in these fears, they may begin to turn their life around and move toward health and liberation. On the other hand, they may become even more panicky and reactive: “I’ll do anything for you! Don’t leave me!” or, at the other extreme, “They’ll be sorry they messed with me!” If Sixes persist in these attitudes, they may cross into the unhealthy range. If you or someone you know is exhibiting the following warning signs for an extended period of time—more than two or three weeks—getting counselin...

Notice how much time you spend trying to figure out how to handle possible future problems. In reality, how often do these imagined events come to pass? Also notice how this mental activity actually makes you less effective at dealing with the challenges at hand. If you are worrying and obsessing about a meeting you will have tomorrow or next week, you are far more likely to forget an important phone call—or even overlook a real danger signal. Quieting the mind through disciplined meditation practices, especially those that focus on the body, can help Sixes clear out the chorus of voices in their heads. Remember, inner knowing usually does not speak using words.

You tend to have difficulty enjoying those moments when you achieve your objectives without immediately launching into your next round of anxieties—even worrying about how others might resent your accomplishment! When you achieve a goal, large or small, stop long enough to relax, breathe, and savor the moment. Take in the impression of your competence. Remember this impression. This feeling will help you see the ways in which you consistently support yourself and others. This memory will come to your aid when you doubt your ability to cope at other times.

Get in the practice of noticing what you trust and how you come to decisions. Notice especially the procedures or allies you automatically turn to when you are unsure of yourself. Why do you feel that others will know better what to do than you do? Also notice your anger and rejection of them when it is clear that they do not have the answers you seek. You can avoid these situations by turning more to what your heart and instincts are telling you in the moment. Many internal voices may clamor, but understand what they are—fearful aspects of your imagination and your superego, and no more. The more you are able to see the truth of this, the more you will find your quiet mind and come to the right path for yourself.

While you want to be there in a responsible way for everyone else in your life, you tend to shortchange yourself by not believing that your own self-development is worth the trouble. This can be exacerbated by fears of change—of moving into the unknown. Take risks, especially when it comes to moving out of familiar, safe patterns. Having a therapist that you trust or a spiritual group that you work with can be invaluable for creating the kind of support you need to explore difficult...