The Wisdom of the Enneagram

by Don Richard Riso

Threes integrate to Six, they start to recognize and take in the support that is available in their lives, and they have the courage to ask for it when they need it.

To liberate themselves, Threes must let go of their belief that their value is dependent on the positive regard of others. Only then can they begin to become inner-directed and authentic.

with patience and compassion, they are able to open to the hurt and shame underneath it. As this suffering is seen, healed, and released, and without noticing quite when or how the change occurred, they gradually realize that they are quite different people than they had imagined.

When the mask is dropped, the apparent emptiness is filled from the inside. It is as if the mask itself exerted a pressure that kept the true self repressed: once the mask is removed, the real self cannot help but reveal itself.

When Threes are willing to risk losing the approval of others to follow their own heart, they can become the outstanding individuals they have always wished to be.

healthy Threes model the Essential gift of authenticity like no other type.

Authenticity means manifesting who you are in the moment. When Threes are present, they are simple and able to speak the truth that comes directly from their hearts.

we are valuable because we exist.

PERSONALITY TYPE FOUR: THE INDIVIDUALIST BASIC FEAR: Of having no identity, no personal significance BASIC DESIRE: To find themselves and their significance, to create an identity out of their inner experience SUPEREGO MESSAGE: “You are good or okay if you are true to yourself.”

The Sensitive, Withdrawn Type: Expressive, Dramatic, Self-Absorbed, and Temperamental

Fours generally recognize that they are unsure about aspects of their self-image—their personality or ego structure itself.

While it is true that Fours often feel different from others, they do not really want to be alone.

Fours’ mantra becomes “I am myself. Nobody understands me. I am different and special,” while they secretly wish they could enjoy the easiness and confidence that others seem to enjoy.

Fours typically have problems with a negative self-image and chronically low self-esteem.

The problem is that they base their identity largely on their feelings. When Fours look inward, they see a kaleidoscopic, ever-shifting pattern of emotional reactions.

want to create a stable, reliable identity from their emotions, they attempt to cultivate only certain feelings while rejecting others.

One of the biggest challenges Fours face is learning to let go of feelings from the past; they tend to nurse wounds and hold on to negative feelings about those who have hurt them.

Fours are in the same predicament. As long as they believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them, they cannot allow themselves to experience or enjoy their many good qualities.

To acknowledge their good qualities would be to lose their sense of identity (as a suffering victim) and to be without a relatively consistent personal identity (their Basic Fear).

Many Fours report fantasizing that they were mistakenly switched at the hospital, or that they are orphans or some kind of changeling.

Fours believe that something must be profoundly wrong with them, launching them on a lifelong “search for self.”

predisposes Fours to focus on what they lack—on what is missing in themselves, their lives, and their relationships.

On the most profound level, Fours are always looking for the mother and father they feel they did not have.

Fours can become disappointed and enraged with others for letting them down or for not adequately seeing their personal struggles and suffering.

Because they have doubts about their identity, they tend to play “hide and seek” with others—hiding from people, but hoping that their absence will be noticed.

Fours base their identity on their internal feeling states (“I am what I feel”), so they tend to check in on their feelings more than the other types.

one sure thing about feelings is that they always change. This presents a problem. If their identity is based on feelings, and their feelings are always changing, then their identity is always changing.

Fours insist on being themselves and on putting their personal stamp on everything. Increasingly, their self-image becomes based on how unlike other people they are.

the more Fours insist on being different, the more they paint themselves into a corner, depriving themselves of many potential sources of satisfaction.

When Fours stop trying so hard to “be themselves,” they find the freedom to discover the beauty of what they really have to offer.

Taken too far, the desire to “be themselves” can lead Fours to feel that the rules and expectations of ordinary life do not apply to them.

envy causes Fours to see everyone as stable and normal while feeling that they are flawed or, at best, unfinished.

Fours maintain their moods by cultivating an environment that supports the feelings they identify with. Thus, they are often drawn to the aesthetic and exotic,

While the self-images of Types Two and Three are more on display, Fours create an internalized self-image we have called the Fantasy Self.

Fours spend their time dreaming about their talents and the masterworks they will create instead of actually developing their real skills.

The Fantasy Self tends to be grandiose in proportion to the depth of the Four’s emotional damage: they may see themselves as almost magical creatures, and others as highly ordinary or even inferior. Their Fantasy Self is usually based on idealized qualities that would be virtually impossible for them to attain, even with hard work and self-discipline. The Fantasy Self is thus of its very nature unattainable and is inextricably linked with the Four’s rejection of his or her own real qualities or capacities.

Fours become so focused on their fragile feelings that they feel completely justified in demanding support for all of their emotional needs. At the same time, they can be surprisingly unaware of the feelings of others.

Withdrawing Fours secretly hope that someone will follow them into their lair of loneliness.

after a period of withdrawal and self-absorption, Fours may go to Two and unconsciously try to solve their interpersonal, problems with a slightly forced friendliness—they try a little too

Remember the adage that “feelings aren’t facts.”

Emotional volatility and moodiness are not the same as real sensitivity. Further, they are a fairly good indication that our heart is closed down.

Recognize the aspects of your Fantasy Self that are not in alignment with the reality of your life.

Seek out truthful friends who will mirror you honestly and accurately.

Fours, like most people, benefit from reality checks, especially when it comes to their feelings about themselves and their romantic interests.

Beware of unconsciously expecting friends and intimates to be a dumping ground for your emotional upheavals.

Set up positive, constructive routines for yourself.

Fours remind us of our deepest humanity—that which is most personal, hidden, and precious about us but which is, paradoxically, also the most universal.

Healthy Fours receive the mirroring they seek by sharing the depths of their souls. As they do this, they discover with relief that their own nature is, at root, no different from anyone else’s.

Healthy Fours engage with reality through meaningful action.

Fours at One also realize that self-expression does not mean indulging in their moods. They willingly become self-disciplined, working consistently to contribute something worthwhile to their world.