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What we need is “seeing with the eyes of another, listening with the ears of another, and feeling with the heart of another.”
Right now, you are trying to see with your own eyes, listen with your own ears, and feel with your own heart.
The issue that we must focus on is not “how the world is,” but “how we are” and “how we see the world.”
would probably be faced with the same sort of task as this person.
I would probably deal with it in the same sort of way.
Regardless of what may have occurred in the past, nothing is determined by it. It does not matter if there are past traumas either. Because human beings are not driven by past “causes” but live according to present “goals.”
we are not creatures who are determined by past events.
Rather, we determine our own lives according to the meaning we give to those events.
you, living “here and now,” are the one who decides your own life.
We are beings who are capable of determining ourselves at any time. We can choose new selves.
Since they want to feel, “I’m fine with this,” their past turns into good memories.
in order to justify a “myself now” that is far from ideal, you are painting your entire past the same shade of
the question is not whether something happened in the past, but what meaning “myself now” gives to that past.
Every person is a compiler of a story of “me,” who rewrites his or her own past as desired to prove the legitimacy of “me now.”
Was he bitten by a dog? Or was he helped by another person? The reason Adlerian psychology is considered a “psychology of use” is this aspect of “being able to choose one’s own life.” The past does not decide now. It is your now that decides the past.
Their goal will always be “to receive praise,” and moreover, “to gain a privileged position within the community.”
Instead of focusing on whenever a child does some “good thing,” turn your attention to the smaller everyday details of their words and actions. And then focus on and sympathize with that person’s concerns. That’s all.
They want to gain a privileged position within the classroom. They want a definite “place to be” within the community to which they belong. That is their true goal.
They want their presence recognized, and they want to be put in a special position, even if it takes the form of rebuke.
they want to prove their own might by being resolutely disobedient.
They take love’s revenge on those who would not recognize the irreplaceable “me,” on those who would not love them.
demand for admiration, attention drawing, and power struggles are all expressions of the love-starved feeling that says, “I want you to have greater regard for me.”
“I realize now that they aren’t going to love me. If that’s how it’s going to be, then hate me. Pay attention to me, within that emotion of hatred.” This is the kind of thing they think.
They are not planning to do “bad things.” They are just repeating “things that other people don’t like.”
Self-harm and social withdrawal are also considered to be within the realm of revenge in Adlerian psychology.
right. It’s that feeling of “don’t expect anything more of me” that connects to “proof of incompetence.”
What they are wishing is “Don’t expect anything of me,” “Don’t care about me,” and even “Abandon me.”
The five stages of problem behavior … It certainly is an interesting analysis. First, you look for admiration. Then you go all-out to get people’s attention. When that doesn’t work, you start power struggles, which then turn into heinous revenge. And lastly, you make a show of your own incompetence.
“I did something that was special enough to get rebuked.” They can prove to themselves that they are special beings by getting rebuked.
By resorting to violence, one can push through one’s demands without expending time or effort. To put it more directly, one can make
In every way, violence is a low-cost, easy means of communication.
You feel annoyed by communicating with your students with words, and you are rebuking them to try to force them into quick submission.
Using anger as a weapon, wielding guns of reproach, brandishing the sword of authority. This is an immature and foolish attitude for an educator to have.
Violence, which includes reprimand, is a form of communication that reveals one’s immaturity as a human being.
“Anger is an emotion that pulls people apart.”
You are simply focusing only on “the things one cannot change” and lamenting, “So, it’s impossible.”
No matter what they do, parents, and then educators, engage in excessive meddling with and nurturing of their children. As a result, they end up raising children who cannot decide anything on their own, and who need constant direction from others.
the essence of happiness is the “feeling of contribution.”
Praising is the passing of judgment by a person of ability on a person of no ability, and its goal is manipulation. And therefore, one must not praise.
The goal at the outset, which should have been “completing the race” or “running fast,” transforms into the goal of “defeating that person.” The rival, who should have been one’s sworn friend, turns into an enemy who must be crushed.
Even after the race is over, one is unable to celebrate the victory of one’s rival, and one struggles with feelings of envy and inferiority.
Put cooperation with others above all else, instead of competition with others.
The “horizontal relationships” advocated by Adlerian psychology, on the other hand, are imbued with the principle of cooperation.
Civilization is a product of the need to compensate for the biological weakness of the human being, and the history of the human race is the history of its triumphing over its inferiority.
All people have community feeling inside them inherently. And it is something that is deeply linked to human identity.
“Community feeling is always a reflection of the weakness of the body, and one from which we cannot be separated.”
Now, how can they gain a sense of belonging? … By gaining a special position within the community. By not becoming “everyone else.”
The person who is capable of feeling truly happy only upon being praised will seek to get praised more until the very last moment of their life. Such a person, having been left in a position of dependence, will lead a life of ceaseless seeking, a life without fulfillment.
Instead of seeking approval, one has to approve oneself, with one’s own mind.
It’s okay to be just as we are. Your place to be is there, without needing to be a special being or be outstanding in any
