More on this book
Community
Kindle Notes & Highlights
way. Let’s accept our ordinary selves, ourselves as “everyone else.”
Look, instead of placing worth on “being different from other people,” place worth on “being yourself.” That is true individuality. A way of living in which, instead of being yourself, you compare yourself to others and try to accentuate only your difference, is just a way of living in which you deceive both others and yourself.
In other words, we think that for all words and actions, there is “another party” at whom they are directed. YOUTH: And then?
By saving another person, one tries to be saved oneself. By passing oneself off as a kind of savior, one attempts to realize one’s own worth.
rather than treating one’s labor itself as the task, one focuses on the interpersonal relationships that are associated with
it may be easier to understand the tasks by thinking of them as “work relationships,” “friend relationships,” and “love relationships.”
“All joy is interpersonal relationship joy.”
“In friendship, we see with the eyes of another, listen with the ears of another, and feel with the heart of another.”
Work is a means of production for staying alive in our earth’s harsh natural environments.
If we only herded together, that would be no different from what most animals do. But humans herded together on the basis of an advanced system of division of labor. Or one could say that we created society in order to divide up the labor. To Adler, the “work tasks” were not mere tasks of labor.
Living, working, and building society are all inseparable.
all work is “something that has to be done by someone in the community,” and all of us are just doing our share of that work.
But when one considers the community as a whole, the librarian’s work, the middle school teacher’s work, and all other work is “something that has to be done by someone in the community,” and no superior or inferior can exist there. If anyone is going to be superior or inferior, it will only be in the attitude with which they undertake that work.
Here, we must recall the words of Erich Fromm. Namely, that respect is “the ability to see a person as [they are],” and “the placing of worth on that person being that person.”
Have regard for the person as they are. You are fine just as “you.” There is no need to be special. There is value in you just being “you.”
The gateway to education is respect. And respect is confidence. Therefore, a relationship based on confidence is a friend relationship.
Regardless of who the other person is, one can give them respect,
and one can believe in them. Because that is something that is the product of one’s single-minded resolve and is not affected by the environment or the target.
I believe in you, whether you believe in me or not. I keep on believing. That is the meaning of “unconditional.”
One believes in another person as an “unknowable being.” That is confidence. We humans are beings who cannot know each other, and that is exactly why believing is the only way.
But one does not need to think now about what the results will be, or anything like that. What you can do is have confidence in the people closest to you. That is all.
For us, it is our “nothing days” that are our trial, and it is in everyday life “here and now” that the big decisions must be made.
We have to keep our hearts abundant and give what we have saved up to others. We must not wait for respect from other people, but must ourselves have respect and confidence in them. … We must not become poor-spirited.
It is because of one’s giving that one is given to. One must not wait to have something given to one. One must not become a beggar of the spirit.
He controls his mother by calling special attention to his weakness.
Self-reliance is “breaking away from self-centeredness.”
We have to get past our obstinate self-centeredness and stop trying to be the center of the world. One has to break away from “me.” One has to break away from one’s pampered childhood lifestyle.
To know love, and to change the subject of life to “us”—this is a new start to life. The “us” that began as just two people will eventually broaden in scope to the entire community, and the entire human race.
Because it is through loving others that we at last become adults.
Yes. Love is self-reliance. It is to become an adult. That is why love is difficult.
The first-born child who does not cope with this setback satisfactorily will hope to someday regain that seat of power. Adler refers to this as being a “worshipper of the past” who creates a lifestyle that is conservative, and is pessimistic with regard to the future. YOUTH: Heh-heh. My brother certainly does have such tendencies. PHILOSOPHER: It is a lifestyle in which one has a perception of the importance of strength and authority, enjoys wielding one’s power, and places excessive value on
the rule of law. It is a true conservative lifestyle.
is likely to develop into an excellent leader. In imitation of the child-rearing done by the parents, such a first-born finds joy in taking care of siblings and learns the meaning of contribution.
at the heart of the second child there lies the feeling of “I want to catch up.” They want to catch up with their elder brother or sister. To catch up, they have to hurry. They are constantly pushing themselves, and planning how to catch up with, overtake, and even triumph over their elder brother or sister. Unlike the conservative first-born child who holds the rule of law in high regard, the second child wishes to overturn even the natural law of birth order.
The child wants so much to have his mother’s love all to himself that he ends up seeing his father as a rival. He is in an environment that is conducive to the development of the so-called mother complex.
To get out from under the control of the love one is given, the only thing one can do is love oneself. By loving. Not waiting to be loved or waiting for destiny, but loving someone of one’s own accord. That is the only way.
Even though there often is a person to love right in front of them, they come up with all sorts of reasons to reject each one, and they lower their eyes and think, There’s got to be a more ideal, more perfect, destined partner. They try not to enter into deeper relationships, and they unilaterally eliminate any and all candidates.
By bringing forward excessive and unrealizable ideals in this way, they avoid anything that may lead to interactions with real, living people.
As Fromm remarked, “Loving someone is not simply an intense emotion. It is a decision, it is a judgment, it is a promise.”
One dances. Without thinking about a future one could never comprehend, or about a destiny that could never exist, one simply engages in a dance of the “now” with the partner before one.
If I loved this person, I could be happier. That’s what I thought. Looking back on it now, I realize that it was a mentality of seeking an “our happiness” that went beyond “my happiness.”
As Fromm says, “Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love.” Adler, in place of this “faith,” would use the word “courage.” You were of little courage. So, you were able to love only a little. Not possessing the courage to love, you tried to stay in the lifestyle of your childhood, the lifestyle of being loved. That is all.
When you know love, and live with “us” as the subject, that will change. You will gain the real feeling of an “us” that includes the entire human race, in which people are contributing to each other simply by living.
In real life, however, the trials of “nothing days” begin only after one has embarked on that first step. What is really being tested is one’s courage to keep walking on one’s path.
And so, there is one thing we can do: devote our ceaseless efforts, in all our meetings and all our interpersonal relationships, toward the “best possible parting.” That is all.
