Bound by Vengeance (Born in Blood Mafia Chronicles, #5)

by Cora Reilly

“Stop overthinking every fucking thing,” he murmured. “You can’t understand,” I said harshly. For him, sin and guilt and shame weren’t words that mattered. “Perhaps,” he admitted. “But I understand your body.” He pressed two fingers against my wet center, swirled them around and brought them to his lips, licking them. “And your body likes it.”

“You’re disgusting,” I said. I tried to turn away, to get away, but it was close to impossible with his body hovering above me. “Maybe my body reacts to you but I will never feel anything but hatred for you, you monster.” I closed my lips with a snap, unable to believe what I’d said. How could I tell him something like that if I wanted his help? “I’m a monster, you got that right. Have always been, will always be. I’m good at being a monster. Few people ever find something they’re good at, something they were meant to be,”

“I know you’re there,” Growl said quietly. I walked outside hesitantly. The cold bit at my skin, especially where Growl’s mouth had wetted my nightgown. He looked tired. “You should be sleeping,” he said. “You too.” “I can’t,” he admitted. “Me neither.” We looked at each other. “Can I stay?” Growl nodded. I took a step toward the free chair, then changed my mind and headed for Growl. His brows crinkled as he watched me. I crawled on his lap and put my head down on his shoulder. He smelled of sex, of us. He let out a low breath but didn’t do anything else. He was warm and strong. I drew in his scent that lingered beneath the sex. It didn’t take long before my eyes felt heavy. When I was almost asleep, I felt Growl’s fingers glide over my hair. Up and down. And then I drifted off.

“Don’t you want revenge? Have you never dreamed of killing him? Of hurting him for what he’s done to you? You could end it all. Free yourself of your past once and for all.”

“I told you, what he’s done to me made me who I am. I would not be here without him. I would not be here with you without him. He gave me you and that’s more than I ever hoped for.”

“But him giving you to me wasn’t kindness,” he said. “Nothing like that. It was cruel and degrading. He wanted to punish you and he knew I was the kind of punishment that would break you.” He turned my hand over, revealing my pale wrist and forearm. “Just look at your skin. Unblemished. Clean. Perfect. And look at me.”

Love. It wasn’t something I could comprehend. Cara. That woman. I felt something. But I didn’t know what it was. I’d never felt like this before. She made me want to treat her right. She made me want to be better. She made me want so many things I shouldn’t want. She was dangerous to me, to the life I’d built, to the person I’d become.

I was like a moth drawn to her light. The only light that had ever penetrated the darkness that was me and my life.

“Nobody will laugh at you when I’m at your side,” he said in a low voice. His expression was deadly, a threat but not to me. I paused. “Why do you even care?” “You’re mine, and I won’t let anyone talk shit about something that belongs to me.”

I was a monster. Would always be. But I could appreciate something precious, something as valuable as Cara, and I would never destroy it. I wasn’t good, there was nothing gray about me. I was all black but I was trying to be good to her. Never as good as she deserved but as good as I was capable of. It wasn’t enough, I realized it every day. I would never be enough.

She admired her work, then peered up at me with her blue eyes. “Done.” I’d never felt less worthy than in that moment. The dress she wore was perfection on her, as if it had been made for her. She was made for cocktail parties and elegant soirees. I was made for dingy pubs and dark-alley clubs.

Cara’s suffering had led to the most precious thing in my life, and still I couldn’t regret it. I was selfish. I was glad I’d been given the chance to have someone like her.

“But I’m not as valuable as that piece around your wrist.” “You are worth more than anything I’ve ever owned or will ever own.”

“To Falcone. Don’t give me to him,” I whispered. Realization flashed across Growl’s face, then determination. “Never. You are mine. He won’t take you away from me.” “Are you sure? He’s your boss. He could tell you to give me to him.” It was a surprising twist of fate that I preferred being Growl’s possession, but anything was better than belonging to Falcone. “You are mine,”

“Never show those people weakness,” Growl said in a low voice, leaning down until we were very close. “You are stronger than you think. No woman has ever given me such a hard time like you do every day. If you can act strong around me, you can be strong around those weaklings. They are nothing.”

“You kill for a living. I don’t think it gets much worse.” Growl nodded. “Perhaps. But I won’t let alcohol dull my senses.” I emptied the rest of the wine. “That’s exactly why I drink.” “Don’t. It was wrong to give you the wine. It doesn’t make things better. It only makes you believe that it does.”

“Why did you do that?” I asked as he led me toward his car, which was parked on the side of the road near the entrance gates. Growl helped me into the driver’s seat. “Because you’re mine and I won’t let anyone talk shit about you.” “In the house, at the party, they were all talking about me.” Growl looked back toward the brightly lit house and for a moment I worried he’d storm back inside and beat up a few more guests, but then his gaze settled on me. “They were clever enough not to say anything when I could hear them, and most only feel sorry for you. They say bad things about me, not you.”

For some reason that girl meant something to me. I’d never cared for anyone, except for my dogs and perhaps myself, but with Cara, I wasn’t sure what was happening to me. I didn’t want to care about her. I knew she didn’t want me. What she was doing was tactic, a way for her to survive what had been meant as a horrible punishment.

Something had changed. And the reason for it was Cara. In some way, Falcone had set everything in motion. By giving Cara to me, he’d signed his own death warrant, because I wanted to help Cara get revenge. I wanted nothing more. Falcone always called me his killing machine. Falcone had created the monster, and now it would come to kill its creator. Perhaps she’d stop hating me if I did. I couldn’t hope for more than that. I knew nobody could ever truly come to care for me, and I’d accepted that.

“There’s a funny look on your face. Did I do something wrong?” Two pink spots appeared on her cheekbones and I leaned forward and kissed her forehead. I didn’t know why. I’d never done it. Never even thought about doing it. The forehead wasn’t a very interesting place for a kiss. Cara was turning me upside down, that was for sure. “You did nothing wrong.”

“I will help you,” I said firmly. She blinked. “Help me?” Her hand against my skin began to tremble. “You mean with Falcone?” I nodded. There was no turning back now. I’d made my decision and nothing would stop me. I’d die if necessary. She would be worth it. “I will help you get revenge.”

“So you’re helping me because Falcone treated me wrong? He’s treated many people worse than me.”

“He did. I did. But I want to help you be happy. I want you to get out of this miserable city and life. I never wanted that for me, but you, for you I want everything.”

How could things have come this far? I was falling for him, and I wasn’t sure how to stop myself from feeling that way. But I had to. There was no future for Growl and me.

“Like you.” Growl narrowed his eyes. “I’m changing my life for you by going against Falcone.” “I know, and I’m grateful for that. But you’re doing it for me. It’s like you still don’t think you deserve anything good,” I said. “You live in this place, even though you don’t have to. I can’t imagine Falcone is paying you that badly. You are like that woman – scared of change.” He sat up. “This house isn’t like being beaten up by someone.” He hesitated. “Is it that bad for you?” I sighed. “This place makes me miserable.” “You mean I make you miserable.”

“Sleep tight.” “I would sleep better if you stayed,” I said. Growl hesitated, shoulders tensing, breathing deeply, but then he strode out without a word. Every time I thought we were getting somewhere, an action like this reminded me that we couldn’t. Perhaps at some point my heart would accept it too.

“Everyone fears you,” I said matter-of-factly. “Even the criminals and junkies in your area. If you want to live where no one fears you, you’ll have to move into wilderness.” It was meant as a joke, to lighten up the mood, but Growl nodded thoughtfully. “Animals don’t fear me, only humans do. I’m a man-made monster, perhaps that’s why.” He took in our surroundings again. “Monsters aren’t meant for a palace like this.”

“You belong here,” Growl said quietly. “A princess in her tower.” My lips parted in surprise. It wasn’t the first time he’d said something like that but it caught me by surprise every time. “So why are we here?” I asked him. “You hate the house,” he said simply. “And?” “We can live here for a while. It’ll make you feel better until I figure out the best day to go through with our plan.”

I’d never felt anything like it before. I’d had crushes, had felt butterflies, but this was something else, something stronger and darker. I desired him, perhaps even…loved him. I couldn’t be sure. Not now, not when my life was in upheaval and my choices weren’t my own. Could love be born out of captivity? Wasn’t it something that could only thrive in freedom?

Perhaps emotions were foreign to him, like passion had been to me, but it didn’t always have to be like that. Growl had taught me passion, had given me no choice but to surrender myself to it. Was I foolish to hope I could teach him emotions as he’d taught me desire and passion? Perhaps you have already, a meek voice whispered in my head. Perhaps. And perhaps it wasn’t enough.

me, her pliable body pressed up against mine and put her hand against my chest. “I can’t believe you’re really doing this.” I couldn’t believe it either, but I had never been more sure about something in my life. I wanted, I needed to help the woman in front of me. “I promised. I will do this for you, and perhaps then you can forgive me.” “Forgive you?” she whispered as if she’d never heard the word, and of course it was fucking ridiculous of me to think she could ever forgive me for what I’d done, for having kept her like a possession. I silenced her with a kiss, fucking scared of her next words, not wanting to hear them, and led her into the bedroom.

“I have a request,” Growl said quietly. “Okay.” What could I possibly do for him? He peered down at Coco and Bandit. “Will you take care of my dogs in case anything happens to me?” I frowned. “Nothing will happen to you. We’ll all go to New York together.” “You should be looking forward to the prospect of my death,” he rasped. “I’m sure you’ve wished for it often.”

“I will take care of your dogs if that’s what you want,” Cara said. I wanted many things, things I’d never wanted before. Most of all I wanted to tell her that I didn’t want to lose her, and that for the first time in my life I was scared to die because I wanted to have more time with her, and yet at the same time I was scared not to die because then I’d see her leave me the moment we were in New York.

“Coco and Bandit love you,” I told her, and it wasn’t all I wanted to say, but I couldn’t.

Somehow, she’d done what no one else had ever done. She’d bound me to her and I would always be loyal to her.

I’d been loyal to Falcone too, but it had been a different kind of loyalty. I would have died for Falcone, because I had never before cared if I lived or died. But now, now I wanted to live, and yet I’d gladly give my life for Cara, so she could be happy. “And I love them,” Cara said softly. The word ‘love’ from Cara’s lips did something to me, I could not understand.

“This life is all you know, all you have. If you risk it for her, you’ll be left with nothing. She isn’t worth it, believe me.” Growl’s eyes slanted over to me briefly. “Yes, she is. She’s worth more than you and I. She’ll be worth losing everything for.”

Falling in love with a man like Growl was the worst I could do, but it was too late now. I couldn’t deny my emotions for the man next to me.

Falcone stumbled a few steps away from Growl. I was about to call a warning, but Growl grabbed Falcone and cut his throat. Bile rose in my throat as blood spilled out. But this time I couldn’t look away. “Now you know how it feels,” Growl rasped.

I allowed myself a moment to watch the car drive away, watch Cara leave. I’d probably never see her again, and that was for the best. She would be happier without me in her life.

I shoved a knife into his next attacker before I fired two shots at the car to his left. I would fight and I would die today, but not in vain. For once the blood spilling would serve a good cause. And if I died, I’d die with the memory of Cara’s sweet taste, the feel of her perfect skin, and the image of her pretty face branded into my brain. I’d close my eyes with a good memory, no matter what awaited me after.

These powerful animals that had scared me so horribly in the beginning had somehow sneaked their way into my heart. Just as their master had. Both shared a frightful exterior and the potential for destruction but beneath that, there was something tender and vulnerable, something that made you want to take care of them and love them.

I missed Growl, missed him more than I’d thought possible.

“You love him. Why don’t you show him?” I stiffened. Was it that obvious? “Because he doesn’t love me. He can’t. This thing between us has no future.”

“Why? If you love him there’s always a way.” “He’s…not good.” Aria laughed softly. “Luca isn’t good either, but I love him with all my heart. You just have to allow yourself to love his good parts.”

“He loves you. I don’t know exactly what Luca and Growl talked about when they first met yesterday, but I have a feeling that the only reason why Luca trusts Growl is because he realized that Growl loves you. And Luca knows what love can do to a person.” She paused. “Your sister mentioned that your mother doesn’t approve. But don’t let that stop you, if you really love him. My sister Gianna didn’t like Luca very much in the beginning either.”

The moment she’d left for New York without me I’d known that this meant the end for us. The realization had been like a punch in the gut, the realization that she wouldn’t stay with me, a monster. No one would. She’d seemed to enjoy my company in the end, enjoyed my closeness and my touch but I didn’t fool myself. Her affection for me had been born out of necessity. She’d had no choice. She couldn’t get away from me. She had sought my closeness because she was relieved it wasn’t brutality that I showed her. But now everything had changed.

I didn’t want to have Cara as a possession. I wanted her to want to be with me. I knew that meant I’d lose her altogether. She’d live her life without me. She’d find a new guy, a nice guy, someone who hadn’t caused her so many nightmares.

I often wished I’d never had her in the first place because it was easier to live without something you’ve never had. I hadn’t known what I was missing, but now it was difficult giving it up.

I would get by. I always had. I’d work twice as hard, would put all my energy into making Luca trust and value me. I’d make a name for myself here in New York and eventually I’d forget about Cara and return to the life I’d had before. Steps sounded and I looked up. The moment Cara turned the corner, I realized I was fooling myself if I believed I could ever forget her.