You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

by Kate Murphy

listen to the opposing side as if they were going to have to write a newspaper or magazine article about them.

On Friendship, once told me, “The best friendships are those where you are able to immediately pick up the conversation where you left off because the person’s words have remained with you.” Indeed,

If you are indiscreet with other people’s private information, it’s like you are spending their money without their consent. You can give up as much information as you want about yourself, just as you are free to spend your own money any way you like. But when you start drawing from other people’s accounts, they are going to get upset. This

The information is still not yours to give away unless given explicit permission.

Better to be a reliable confidant. Otherwise, people will think twice about telling you anything of significance, or they may cease communicating with you altogether.

Listening helps you see we are all

dealing with similar issues—wanting to be loved, looking for purpose, and fearing the end.

Listening is your gift to bestow. No one can make you listen.

While not listening is justified and a matter of practicality in some circumstances, there’s no getting around the fact that it’s a form of rejection.

Consciously or unconsciously, you are choosing to attend to something else, which implies that person is not as interesting, as important, or as worthwhile, at least not at that moment.

Not listening to someone can be hurtful even when you don’t mean to be, and it can be cruel if used as a weapon. It’s why ghosting, where someone cuts off all communication with another person with...

avoidance/withdrawal strategy) was the most wounding and provoked the most anger and resentment from those on the receiving end.

sometimes the things we least want to hear can be the most beneficial.

good listeners, because they expose themselves to a range of thoughts and opinions, are more resilient when they are criticized.

A good exercise is to think about the people in your life who you have a hard time listening to and ask yourself why that is. Are they judging? Do they tell the same stories over and over? Do they exaggerate? Give too much detail? Do they only talk about how great they are? Do they get their facts wrong? Are they too negative? Saccharine? Superficial? Insulting? Do they challenge your thinking? Disagree with you? Do they make you feel envious? Do they make references and use words you don’t know? Are their voices annoying? Are they not socially or professionally useful to you? Are you afraid of the intimacy that might develop? You have your reasons. Just know what they are and whether your reasons say more about you than they do about the other person. And also know that people change, and your view of them changes, when you truly listen. It often pays to first make the effort before you decide to pull the plug.

there is a crisis of listening in our world,” Father Gómez said. “There are a lot of people who want to talk but very few who want to listen, and we are seeing people suffer from it.

need to sit down in front of another priest with a humble heart and confess my own sins so that it gives me the tender compassion when I’m on the other side of the screen,” he said.

Those who stick to superficialities in their conversations or who are jokey all the time don’t

know what it’s like to give of themselves and, therefore, have a hard time knowing how to receive.

you don’t handle it with care, the person will start to edit future conversations with you, knowing, “I can’t be real with this person.” When you engage with someone, your behavior does two things: 1) it helps or hinders your understanding, and 2) strengthens or weakens the relationship. Listening is your best bet on both counts.

Listening is like playing a sport or musical instrument in that you can get better and better with practice and persistence, but you will never achieve total mastery. Some may have more natural ability and some may have to try harder, but everyone can benefit from making the effort.

When we are too busy to listen, when we look at our phones, jump in too soon with our opinions, or make assumptions, we prevent others’ thoughts and emotions from being genuinely expressed. And we end up hollow or emptier than we would be otherwise.

It is flattering when someone listens to you, which is why we are drawn to those increasingly rare individuals who actually do. Listening is a courtesy and, more fundamentally, a sign of respect. It’s impossible to convince someone that you respect them by telling them so. It must be demonstrated, and listening is the simplest way to do that.

But listening is no easy task. Our magnificent brains race along faster than others can speak, making us easily distracted. We overestimate what we already know and, mired in our arrogance, remain unaware of all we misunderstand.

Our devices indulge our fear of intimacy by fooling us into thinking that we are socially connected even when we are achingly alone.

indefinitely, but rather helps you more easily identify fools and makes you wise to their foolishness. And perhaps most important, listening keeps you from being the fool yourself.

Listening is often regarded as talking’s meek counterpart, but it is actually the more powerful position in communication. You learn when you listen. It’s how you divine truth and detect deception.

And though listening requires that you let people have their say, it doesn’t mean you remain forever silent. In fact, how one responds is the measure of a good listene...