You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters
At parties, we talk over one another. So do our politicians.
We’re not listening.
And no one is listening to us.
Despite living in a world where technology allows constant digital communication and opportunities to connect, it seems no one is really listening or even knows how. And it’s making us lonelier, more isolated, and l...more
Unfortunately, most relationship books suggest rules that, as Wile describes, go right out the window when in the middle of a conflict. Like “Use ‘I’ statements not ‘You’ statements.” Often I just end up simply saying things like “I feel like you suck right now!”
The reason I found Wile, however, so helpful, was because when I get the “You” statements thrown at me (selfish, lazy, don’t make me list all my faults at once please), he gives really novel ideas about how to respond or even just think differently. For instance, “The ‘you statement’, ‘You are completely selfish and irresponsible,’ can be thought of as a rough first approximation to the ‘I statement,’ “I feel taken for granted when you come home late as you did tonight.’ ” (Wile, 1998, p. 72).
Likewise with the active listening rule of saying back the other’s point first, to their satisfaction. There the problem is, “People feel like paraphrasing least just when they may need to do it most” (Wile, 1988, p. 77).
Again the useful thing from Wile is this inventive idea of using the conflict. Wile (1988) revises the paraphrasing rule, “Use your ‘violations’ of the paraphrase (listening-to-your-partner) rule as a clue to the fact that at the moment you may be feeling unlistened to yourself” (p. 79)
That said, no readings improve my listening as much as practice. I find I need to be actively journaling by hand, to process my own feelings and thoughts while trying to listen -- and wall stickies during online meetings, for this uniquely pandemic pressured time.(less)
This is one of the most impactful books I have read all year. The message of true listening in You’re Not Listening serves to emphatically renovate the way we interact with each other. Kate Murphy’s words can revolutionize your conversations and relati ...more
The World is just too noisy for me with everyone talking and no one listening so I jumped at the chance to read and discuss this one with some members of our group. We highlighted paragra ...more
Informative. Eye-opening. Thought-provoking.
This was a well researched, enlightening read that made me sit and ponder many points. I love books that make me think! The author presents her research in an easy, well organized manner with chapters breaking down her theories. I liked how the information was presented.
I found the beginning chapters more interesting than the latter chapters which felt a bit drawn out. However, there were countless ideas and theories presented throughout the ...more
The author explains how important listening is, to individual people, society as a whole. The role of listening in different career choices, ...more
"This is a book in praise of listening and a lament that as a culture we seem to be losing our listening mojo." pg 3
From politics to business, scientific studies to families, Murphy illustrates pitfalls on the path of active listening and highlights the fact that rhetoric and convers ...more
Publication day: January 7, 2020 ...more
Just take a look at her chapte ...more
After the intro, the book is divided into 16 sections, each one covering either advice on how to listen better or information on some specific aspect of listeni ...more
Kate Murphy has interviewed many people and states that we are becoming more and more isolated, which leads to depression, which leads to a tragic rise in suicide rates all over the world.
She believes that we do not really communicate effectively anymore, as a result of being overly connected to devices instead of each other. People are getting more used to texting than face to face conversations and are forgetting how to list ...more
Have you ever seen that quote or thought about that painfully-obvious revelation? I’d like to think that us reader folk do a wee bit better at listening than our peers, since we’re clearly interested in the stories others have to tell. So it’s a bit of a quandary that this and other pearls of wisdom about opening our ears and closing our mouths is packaged up in the form of a book. My wholehearted embrace ...more
This book felt like a professionally written essay - the kind I would be required to read for my degree. It's thoughtful, has lots of great references and gives tips on how to be a better listener. It's a book all about psychology and people, so readers need to understand that going in. There's a lot of in depth thought and conv ...more
You're Not Listening was an enlightening look into communicating effectively, its pros and cons, and where in the world society is geared in regards to this complex and critical skill.
With many examples and oodles of research, this was a really interesting read that had me reflecting frequently on my own listening skills.
Kate Murphy is a Houston based Journalist who ...more
I wasn’t expecting to receive an ARC for this book in the mail, but it couldn’t have been more perfectly timed. My boss had just transferred to a new job, and her boss asked to talk to me, or rather just wanted to tell me that he thought my new team would be better for my career. I’d mentioned to him that I was trying for a promotion and just didn’t want to lose momentum on that process, and h ...more
When’s the last time you really felt listened to? What made you have that feeling? Chances are it wasn’t someone interjecting their own experiences or sharing an anecdote that may or may not be related to what you shared. Rather, what made you feel listened to was what the listener brou ...more
In You’re Not Listening, author Kate Murphy explains what listening truly is and isn’t, and how important it is to our connection with ourselves and one another. Not only is this book super fascinating but it is always making me rethink so many things!
In our technology-filled world, there are so many new ways for us to interact, yet we are all longing for connection more than ever before. Many of us long ...more
Something that amazed me about myself while reading You're Not Listening is that I've always thought I was a good listener. Available to talk when a friend or family member needed me, to listen, lend an ear. What surprised me most about myself is the bad habits I have while listening ... checking the time, fidgeting, looking around. It's no wonder there are times I don't ...more
As a high school teacher, I deal with students (and parents) who don't listen well... they hear just fine, but don't process what they've heard so they don't understand. Not all students of course, but enough that the pattern is an issue. I was interested in this book as a way to improve myself, to help model for my students.
Murphy does a good job of identifying problems with active listening and ways to prevent your wan ...more
I liked the book a lot but never quite loved it. Some sections meandered a bit and felt like filler and it took me a little longer to read than it should have (that's my unscientific way of saying that if I'd read it more quickly that means I liked it a lot more and would have therefore rated it higher ...more
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