You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

by Kate Murphy

The English romantic poet John Keats wrote to his brothers in 1817 that to be a person of achievement, one must have “negative capability,” which he described as “capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.”

Open and honest questions don’t have a hidden agenda of fixing, saving, advising, or correcting. “It deprives us of all the things we love to do,” Palmer said. But open and honest questioning is essential for basic understanding. It allows people to tell their stories, express their realities, and find the resources within themselves to figure out how they feel about a problem and decide on next steps.

If a full day seems daunting, try staying silent during a single conversation. Don’t say anything unless asked a question. See what happens.

Somehow lost in our self-promoting culture is the fact that you can’t talk your way into a relationship. Garrulousness fills the silence but erects a kind of word wall that separates you from others. Silence is what allows people in.