You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

by Kate Murphy

To be a good listener is to accept pauses and silences because filling them too soon, much less preemptively, prevents the speaker from communicating what they are perhaps struggling to say.

Grooming is very much a one-on-one activity that can take quite some time (depending on how tangled or louse-infested your partner is), whereas face-to-face conversations are quicker and can accommodate up to four individuals (one speaker and three listeners). Any larger and people tend to break off into smaller groups. You’ve probably seen this in action at large parties where guests naturally form various conversational pods of two to four people.

maintained that listening to people’s stories was essentially a privilege that had to be earned.

Listening, then, is not only how we learn to be virtuous members of society, it is in itself a virtue that makes us worthy of the most valuable information.

People tend to regret not listening more than listening and tend to regret things they said more than things they didn’t say.

you do need to listen enough to know when the other person is ready to hear what you have to say.

While you can learn something from everyone, that doesn’t mean you have to listen to everyone until they run out of breath.

human beings, without realizing it, have certain expectations in conversation that, when violated (as happened with the unfunny laughter expert), make us less inclined to listen.

our conversational expectations in four maxims: Maxim of Quality—we expect the truth. Maxim of Quantity—we expect to get information we don’t already know and not so much that we feel overwhelmed. Maxim of Relation—we expect relevance and logical flow. Maxim of Manner—we expect the speaker to be reasonably brief, orderly, and unambiguous.

If you’re not good at reading other people’s reactions as you speak, then just ask them. Check in. “Have I lost you?” “Did I overstep?” “What do you think?” “Are you still with me?” “Had enough?” “Am I boring you?” “Make sense?” “Too much?”

Or the person could just be a jerk. People rarely are, though. Their self-centered conversational style more often speaks to deep insecurities, anxieties, or blind spots. Sometimes just by listening, they begin to listen, too—not only to you but also to themselves. And when they do, the conversation becomes more coherent, relevant, and responsive. The power of the listener is that you get to decide how much effort you want to put in and when you’ve had enough.

“We can readily accept the fact that we can be wrong,” the Polish-born social psychologist Robert Zajonc wrote, “but we are never wrong about what we like or dislike.” Better to listen to how people feel than try to convince them to feel differently. You can’t argue your way into affection, but truly listening is the surest way to form a bond.

Careful listening is draining, regardless of your personality, aptitude, or motivation. You can’t do it continuously. Indeed, air traffic controllers are limited to one-and-a-half-hour to two-hour shifts before they must take a break.

Not listening because you don’t agree with someone, you are self-absorbed, or you think you already know what someone will say makes you a bad listener. But not listening because you don’t have the intellectual or emotional energy to listen at that moment makes you human.

Listening can continue even when you are no longer in the presence of the speaker as you reflect on what the person said and gain added insight.

But in an age when listening is seen as a burden, people often feel ashamed, embarrassed, or guilty when someone listens to them, much less reflects on what they said. They might empty their souls into the digital black hole that is the internet, but revealing themselves to someone in the same room, who is giving them full attention, is another thing entirely.

But just as you should be mindful and intentional when you grant the gift of your attention, you should try to be as mindful and intentional when you withhold it. While not listening is justified and a matter of practicality in some circumstances, there’s no getting around the fact that it’s a form of rejection. Consciously or unconsciously, you are choosing to attend to something else, which implies that person is not as interesting, as important, or as worthwhile, at least not at that moment.

study published in Journal of Research in Personality found that compared to other breakup strategies, ghosting (technically, the avoidance/withdrawal strategy) was the most wounding and provoked the most anger and resentment from those on the receiving end.

A good exercise is to think about the people in your life who you have a hard time listening to and ask yourself why that is.

It’s hard to develop the sensitivity and respect for another person’s vulnerability without knowing what it’s like to be vulnerable yourself.

Anyone who has shared something personal and received a thoughtless or uncomprehending response knows how it makes your soul want to crawl back in its hiding place.

When you engage with someone, your behavior does two things: 1) it helps or hinders your understanding, and 2) strengthens or weakens the relationship.

While people often say, “I can’t talk right now,” what they really mean is “I can’t listen right now.” And for many, it seems they never get around to it. This, despite what we all want most in life—to understand and be understood—only happens when we slow down and take the time to listen.