You're Not Listening: What You're Missing and Why It Matters

by Kate Murphy

Hearing is passive. Listening is active.

Understanding is the goal of listening, and it takes effort.

The most valuable lesson I’ve learned as a journalist is that everybody is interesting if you ask the right questions. If someone is dull or uninteresting, it’s on you.

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”

questions like “What do you do for a living?” or “What part of town do you live in?” or “What school did you go to?” or “Are you married?” is interrogating. You’re not trying to get to know them. You’re sizing them up. It makes people reflexively defensive and will likely shift the conversation into a superficial and less-than-illuminating résumé recitation or self-promoting elevator pitch.

What did I just learn about that person? What was most concerning to that person today? How did that person feel about what we were talking about? If you can’t answer those questions, you probably need to work on your listening.

Someone who has been listened to is far more likely to listen to you.

People who make an effort to listen—and respond in ways that support rather than shift the conversation—end up collecting stories the way other people might collect stamps, shells, or coins. The result is they tend to have something interesting to contribute to almost any discussion.

“’Tis the good reader that makes the good book.” Likewise, ’tis the good listener who makes the good conversation.

We have missed not only those whom we love, but also those whom we could love, if only allowed the opportunity.