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I love Reid because he challenges me, because he’s a roller coaster. He gives me highs and lows, he keeps me guessing, he shows me that life isn’t about walking around wearing rose-colored glasses. There’s defeat, there’s sorrow, and there are moments of utter clarity that mold you.
See, isn’t that romantic? Restoring an old manor in the name of love? That’s what men should be doing: romantic gestures. Not offering up high fives like you’re bro-ing out in a locker room. No woman wants a goddamn high five!
“Yes, mm-hmm, that’s correct. Sir Reid ‘the Moron’ Knightly. He’s the cause of this lunacy.”
“Told that backward-hat-wearing motherfucker that I loved him. I proclaimed it to all the cars in the parking lot. I love Reid Knightly, and then he told me I didn’t. Which, God”—I turn to Harper—“isn’t it so wonderful when men tell you how you’re supposed to feel? There’s nothing better than a human with a dick coming up to you and saying, That’s not how you feel, peasant woman.” I pat my chest. “Really makes your nipples hard, doesn’t it?”
“What the actual fuck is a ma-moo?” I wiggle my finger at her crotch. “Vagina.” “For the love of God, just say vagina. No one wants you saying ma-moo.” “I don’t know, I kind of liked it,” Rogan says with a smile. “Does your ma-moo want to play with my pee-pee when we get home?” “And you just made my nipples shrivel up, thank you.” Harper shivers.
You look like a disheveled bag lady who got dressed in the dark. And do you have mascara only on one eye?”
“Might want to take a shower first!” Harper calls out after me. “Because your hair hasn’t moved since you took it out of that ponytail.”
Rogan: And the dumb ass award goes to **Drum roll** Griffin: [Michael Scott Drum Roll GIF] Jen: Oh I’m positively excited to find out. Brig: **Crosses fingers** please don’t let it be me, please don’t let it be me.
“You made a kale-and-bacon soup from scratch. It’s actually really gross. I was being nice with the salt comment.”
“I have no fucking clue what you’re talking about, but I hope you’re gone by nine because The Bachelorette is coming on, and I swear to Satan himself that if she gives that motherfucker Tag a rose, I am going to scream like a lady. Straight up scream.”
his bare, wrinkly ass just hanging out. There were pictures, and I’ll be honest, I did a shit ton of squats yesterday, thinking of that wrinkly ass the whole time, praying mine stays firm and taut for my future wife.”
“Well, you’re a fucking ray of sunshine,” I say, looking him up and down. “If you want, I can whip my dick out and you can stomp on that too—put me out of my misery.”
Eve bends down and rips off my mustache. “Ouch,” I say, rubbing my upper lip. “I stuck that on with a glue stick.”
“I’m not ashamed. You’re not living until you feel your dick slap your legs to a good beat.”
The Wi-Fi password is ReidIsHot. Unfortunately, that can’t change.”
“I don’t moan when I eat.” He glances down at my crotch. “You sure as hell moan when I eat.”
“It’s good you’re afraid because that means you care.
Maybe it’s time to grow up and accept what this love really is: a combination of ugly and beautiful moments mixing together to create an everlasting bond.
And now that I won your taste buds over with my lobster bisque, I need to win back your heart. I can trust that you’re open to hearing me out?” “This lobster bisque might have helped you a little. Proceed with your groveling.”
love is never easy. Love is a foundation of challenges that stem from two souls colliding as one. There will be miscommunications and moments where we hurt each other, because we are human after all, but what truly matters is the realization that the person standing in front of you is the one person who makes you the best version of yourself.
