Queenie

by Candice Carty-Williams

“Astrology did not, and does not, apply to Prince…

All of my grandmother’s responses come with a Caribbean frame of reference that forces me to accept that my problems are trivial.

INSTEAD OF HELPING with the move, I watched

I left Eardley and Leigh to get on with the whole bother of carrying things into the house

First Brexit, then Blaxit.” He chuckled.

He’d gone to boarding school with James and was adopted by white parents, which I think you can tell quite quickly by the way he publicly ridicules anything resembling black culture and carries his mute blond girlfriend around like she’s some sort of symbolic rite of whiteness.

I pleaded with Tom.

Stand The F up and leave!!,!,

“Why have you always got to take this stuff so seriously?”

The audacity

I wished there was some sort of interracial dating handbook to consult when these things happened.

but he didn’t mean it,”

I can’t protect you when it’s my family you think you need protecting from.”

I felt myself soften at this act of kindness.

Queenie, if I’m gonna hit it, man needs to come into the yard. A bum like yours needs room for maneuver, you get me? No space in a car for you, TRUST me

the nasality of Drake’s voice making me vibrate on my makeshift bed.

“No, no, I’m not, sorry, go on,” I encouraged him. “I didn’t mean to. Please, Adi. Let me see your ‘tings.’ ”

name was pronounced chess-keh.

“But this could have been ‘the one,’ Kyazike. What if you fell in love? You could have financially guided hi—”

that made me cringe and also question our friendship. But, if I was anything, I was loyal. And she couldn’t help but be low-key the worst, I reminded myself regularly.

What would you do without me?”

Bitchy, but She's not wrong... Not really,

had sex with my body twice,

I wished at this point I cared about myself enough to try to answer the question.

“I think she’s taken to bed. She’s a little upset. I think she’s really into this one,” he whispered. “You know, it’s ages since she really connected with someone.”

“You know the thing I like about black women?” he said, his eyes running from my hair to my feet. “Even when you’re big girls, it sits well. Sits nice on your hips and that. And your arse. You’re lucky.”

But I’ve let her down, I should have been better to her, that way she might have been better to herself.”

controlled by that devil man

I’d swap it all to be sitting with you in our park. Say we can do that as soon as we get back? Merry Christmas.

Horny mfer

If I didn’t want this, why was I letting it happen? Surely I wanted this?

“Sure.” I nodded, undoing his belt, deciding that I wanted it to happen but also to be over quickly.

I got into the office and flew straight over to Darcy’s desk,

“I’m just tired, that’s all.” I took Darcy into a quiet room and read her all of my New Year’s resolutions,

She’s so self centered

“Me? But I was fixing Chuck’s mistakes!”

The nerve

he was the reason I’d been given a warning.

basically said that I’m fucked up and gave me a counseling referral. Do I go there too often? Am I damaged beyond repair?

Well, if we’re being honest, you almost got yourself fired

“And not all of us want to act like teenagers. Some of us want to move forward with someone, Queenie. Some of us want to grow up.” Cassandra stopped and turned to look at me. She was shaking.

I couldn’t call any of my friends, I didn’t want them to see me like this.

Food Is Love is my family’s unofficial motto. Pity that the motto is also Have You Put on Weight?

the one she borrowed from her mum when she wanted to hammer a point home.

After I had your mother, I shook for a year.

and saw

“Maybe if all ah we had learned to talk about our troubles, we wouldn’t carry so much on our shoulders all the way to the grave.” He turned to walk out, his stick hitting the floor with purpose. “Maybe we

haffi learn from this new generation, Veronica.”

Thank God for the National Health Service, because if I had to pay for these sessions myself I wouldn’t get close to halfway to recovery before bankrupting myself.

(I am dependent on them to validate my thoughts and actions),

It was full of women of varying shapes and sizes, but—as with work, parties, university, anywhere—I saw nobody like me. Nobody black.

“I lose my need to be defensive when drunk! You’re taking advantage.”

“It wasn’t for you to sort. I put a lot on you. Wasn’t fair of me. I’m sorry,”

And I looked at her, and I realized that she was more powerful than any delicate princess I’d read about. I’d just given birth to a queen. A girl who would grow up to be strong and brave. So I called her Queenie.”

holding my hands out so that she could lift me up.

“There is nothing to worry about. You must try to be aware when you’re catastrophizing, Queenie.”