Heidi's Guide to Four Letter Words

by Tara Sivec

Minnesotans like to say we have four seasons: Winter, More Winter, Still More Winter, and That One Day of Summer,”

One of these days, I’m going to figure out how to talk to that man without making a fool of myself.

Let me know once you do.. sisterhood and all

I don’t even know when things changed, really. All I know is that within the last six months or so, every morning when I got up to get ready for work, I did it with dread. I dragged my feet and I grumbled and moaned through my morning routine, pasting on a fake smile as soon as I walked through the school doors. Don’t get me wrong; I love children. I adore them. I want to have my own children someday in the distant future. But being in charge of other people’s children for eight hours a day just didn’t excite me as much as I thought it would. Dealing with angry parents who yelled at you because they thought you weren’t doing enough, yelled at you because they thought you were doing too much, or just yelled at you because they had no one else to yell at when their son or daughter was struggling in school wasn’t what I signed up for. Neither were the politics or the gossip or the stress of not being allowed as much creative freedom as I wanted, since every decision I made on what to teach and how I taught it had to be approved by someone else. I wasn’t passionate about my work, and that made me sad. Shouldn’t you love what you do when you spend more time at work than you do at home with friends and family? I spent four years going to school, another year getting certified, and then taught on my own for two years. And I can’t remember one single moment during that time that I was absolutely confident this was what I was meant to do.

THIS IS ME

I wanted that for myself. I wanted to be excited. But then I feel guilty when I think about my father. He worked as an electrician for more than thirty years. I know he didn’t particularly love his job. There were no animated conversations at the dinner table about a light fixture he installed. But he still went to work every day. He showed up without complaint no matter how much he might have hated his job, because that’s what his generation was taught. You went to work so you could pay your bills, put food on the table, and keep a roof over your family’s heads. It’s what I was taught. And here I stand, completely rejecting the morals they instilled in me. I am the absolute worst.

I wondered what my life would be like right now if I’d thought more about what made me happy when I planned out my future.

It’s something new and exciting, and it’s not teaching, which scares me a little bit, but this is what I want. Something different. Something out of my comfort zone that will help me decide what I want to do with the rest of my life if I’m not going to be a teacher. And it’s a job my mother has no part in helping me get, which makes it all the more enticing.

Priorities are important

“What are they recording right now?” I ask as Jessica moves toward the door leading to where Dave is sitting. “A romance novel,” she says with a shrug as she knocks lightly on the window. Romances? I love romances! I have two bookshelves in my living room filled to the brim with romance novels. My mother got me hooked a few years ago on a series of Amish love stories. That might not sound very exciting to some, but they are so beautiful and have such amazing storylines.

Amish love stories? really? out of everything? I

Oh, jeez! Oh, holy mother of pearl, what is happening right now? Why is no one screaming? Why is Jessica just standing here next to me with a smile on her face? Does she not hear the words Steve is saying? Why is Steve saying the word… pump… like that? What kind of a romance novel is this?

A fun one?

I’m certain she won’t be bragging to any of her friends that I’m now an administrative assistant at a place that records… dirty books.

The horror

A few hours at EdenMedia and I’ve already been tainted, getting all tingly when a man laughs. By this time next week, I’ll probably be selling my body on a street corner and my mother will have disowned me.

Calm down woman

Nothing bad ever happens when a woman is contemplating her entire existence and where she went wrong, home alone with a brand new box of wine chilling in her fridge and a dirty romance novel

LMAO

“Hi! This is the podcast of a woman who used to be a kindergarten teacher and got fired because of budget cuts, and now she got hired at a place where she sits around listening to people read dirty books all day.

Sounds like things worked out imo

“I can’t do this. Why am I so boring? This is so sad. I’m just gonna get another glass of wine. Yay, Heidi’s Wine Show! But it’s more like, whine show. Waaah, why is my life so boring?”

That was funny

Where’s the dinner? Where’s the dancing? Where’s the freaking romance? They’re just gonna get right down to it in chapter one?

I mean... some are like that...

Who knew there were so many words to describe female body parts? And why do they have to be so… wet? That sounds like a medical condition the poor character should get checked out.

Heidi’s Discount Erotica, you get whatcha pay for!”

I’m being so Heidi right now I’m getting on my own nerves.

THIS, BUT LIKE ME?

It really is a blessing I’m no longer molding young minds.

better by saying I was “spirited.” I need to stop thinking that being called spirited and enthusiastic are insults. I like who I am for the most part. I don’t want to change into a completely different person. I just need to find a way to be spirited, enthusiastic, and courageous.

Have you spent your entire life making everyone around you happy, and you realized in all that time, you forgot about making yourself happy?

GIRLLLL

“These books…. I had no idea. I thought they were just about the dirty stuff with no storyline and no plot, but they aren’t. They’re so much more. The women in these books, they take charge of their own lives and learn how to ask for what they want. It’s so empowering.”

“Anything in the name of research,”

You just need to find out how you want to tell your story. How you want to live your own life and do what makes you happy without worrying about what other people will think of you.”

“I thought you said it wasn’t that bad?” I whisper-scream. “What kind of a new friend would I be if I was completely honest? When we’re old friends, then I can bust out the truth bombs.

I’ve spent my entire life constantly asking myself what if and worrying about the consequences of every potential decision I might make, instead of just doing what makes me happy.

“Don’cha know I just want you to be happy? No matter what it is you’re doing. Unless it’s illegal. Or takes you farther than a few hours’ car ride away from us. Or involves drugs of any kind.

“Everybody likes a piece of ass. Nobody likes a smartass,” I remind her.

“Well, I said yes to a date with the original Heidi. The adorable, funny, beautiful Heidi who measures so far above everyone else without even trying. If you did all of this for you, then I’m fully on board. We’ll toss that bookshelf in the back of my truck and have a great evening. But if you did any of this for me, it’s not necessary. I like you just the way you are.”

Life is pretty boring if you don’t have dreams, but you can’t get so lost in the hoping and dreaming that you completely miss what’s right in front of you,”

He accepts me for who I am, which means I’m never afraid to be who I am. I can be awkward and trip over my own two feet, or I can be sexy and take control. I can ramble a bunch of crazy nonsense, or I can have a passionate conversation about something I believe in.

“Babe, there’s nothing discount about you. You are top shelf, premium, expensive erotica.”