The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

the reality is, having a tight/set friend group as an adult isn’t the reality for a lot of people, especially as more of us move farther away from our hometowns and colleges and relocate for work (often repeatedly).

what you’re looking for in new friends—and identify what you have to offer.

If you already have fifteen or twenty good friends, it might make the most sense to deepen your relationships with those people instead of trying to meet an entirely new best friend.

your deep–shallow person is the one who you talk like this with daily. It’s a role often filled by a parent, sibling, or romantic partner because it requires so much love.

Deep–shallow conversations are often when we’re our most relaxed and uncensored and real selves; not having a deep–shallow person can lead to feeling very unseen and incredibly alone.

When you’re moving every few years or #hustling nonstop just to stay afloat, it’s difficult talk to your best friend every day and see them every weekend.

If you’re trying to make new friends, it helps to frequent places where other people with similar interests are likely to be.

So as much as it pains me—an introvert who loves doing everything online—to admit it, you simply have to be willing to be on your phone a little bit less and in the real world a little bit more when you want to make new IRL friends.

I’m not a particularly outgoing person, but when I’m trying to make friends, I’ve realized I have to be, like, 15 percent more outgoing than my default setting.

Regularly showing up for friends is about being mindful of what you say (and don’t say), what you share, and when you share it.

If you’re constantly sharing other people’s business, talking shit about mutual friends the moment they leave the room, or just being snarky, it makes everyone trust you less.

Bugging a friend to break confidences or go against their values isn’t cute; it’s disrespectful.

If you’re assuming you’ll split the cost of something evenly, make sure they are on the same page.

Ultimately, just be mindful of the fact that a lot of people won’t tell you directly that they are broke—and know that even people who have money will likely notice and appreciate your being thoughtful and considerate about others’ finances.

So if a friend is having a great hair day or wearing an awesome outfit, tell them that, and then offer to snap some pics of them.

And try to take more photos of your people in general when you’re together. Not for posting on social media—just to have.

it’s wise to think of people’s stories as theirs, not yours.

The labor of showing up is the (often invisible!) work of caring—thinking about other people’s feelings, comfort, needs, and preferences, and knowing what to care about in the first place.

Of course, there are other reasons I was better at keeping in touch back then: We were younger, so we had fewer responsibilities and more time on our hands, and, at the time, I think everyone was less resistant to phone calls.

If I want to be a part of people’s lives, I’ve realized, I have to do the work.

Falling out of touch with a friend is a vicious cycle; the longer you let time pass without a good update, the harder it gets to pick up where you left off.

A lot of us fall into the trap of staying in touch in small ways that feel meaningful (liking social media posts, occasionally texting articles or memes) and that don’t take a lot of time. It “costs” less time and energy, sure—but that’s because it’s a lower-quality conversation.

We all know that social media updates provide a snippet of our lives that never tells the whole story.

getting updates mainly from social media really isn’t enough.

One of the biggest downsides to maintaining a long-distance friendship is that it makes noticing patterns (and responding) more difficult; having a connection to someone “on the ground” can help offset this.

If you’re really struggling to connect with a friend—literally or figuratively—it might be time to ask yourself whether you truly want to. Not all friendships are forever friendships, and some friendships are helped a great deal by proximity or exposure or being at a certain life stage.

Be grateful for the good things this friendship brought into your life, accept things as they are (instead of what you wish they could be), let go of your guilt, and put your precious time and energy into someone or something that makes you feel as good as that friend once did.

If you never allow your friends to see your true self, they will never get to know the real you.

Your needs and desires are a huge part of who you are, so communicating them is a crucial part of allowing others to fully know you.

Allowing a person to come into your home is a very vulnerable act; doing so communicates: “I will let you see me in my most private and safe space, and I trust you not to harm me here.”

When you name your struggle, you communicate that you want the other person to show up for you—something that is good for both of you.

“Be specific with your compliments. Your friends deserve to know exactly why they’re important to the world.”

One of the definitions of “notice” is “to treat with attention,”

If you want to get better at noticing, start by being fully present. Instead of getting lost in thought, aim to fully engage with what is happening in front of and around you.

The more your words and actions are rooted in who they are and what they need, the more seen, known, and loved they’ll feel.

When a friend is going through a hard time, you likely won’t be able to make the situation better. But you can help them survive.

Even if you can’t make the situation better for your friend, you may be able to make them feel a little less bad.

When people are going through a tough time, they often just want to feel normal and like themselves.

If you’re prone to judginess, consider spending more time engaging with people, places, traditions, cultures, and ideas that are outside your current set of experiences. The more you hear or read about new-to-you experiences firsthand, the less shocking human behavior becomes, and the easier it is to react calmly and offer compassion to the people in a particular situation.

“It’s so good to see you—I’ve been thinking about you a lot in the past few weeks.”

It’s worth remembering that good news is, well, good, and your happy story can provide a genuine flicker of hope, joy, and positivity during a friend’s season of darkness and despair.

If a friend’s venting is draining your time and energy, or if you’re ignoring your own emotions and needs in the process of supporting them, that’s a problem.

We both understood that the cash was meant to be a choose-your-own-solace-adventure care package.

I have very little patience for people who say shitty things and then claim they were kidding, or insist that you need to lighten up.

if you’re genuinely seeking an apology or a reconciliation, it’s worth remembering that people will shut down if they feel their entire sense of self is on the line.

“People take in very little information when they don’t want to hear what you’re saying,”

Sometimes showing up means reflecting our friends’ behavior back to them.

When people complain, they are seeking validation.

So when they launch into the same story for the fourth time, you can offer very boring responses

once you’ve said your piece, you’re free to let them deal with the consequences of their actions.