The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

Realizing you have the right and the ability to say “No, thanks” or “I’m not into that” without the world coming to an end is life-changing.

If your people are guilt-tripping you, pressuring you to do something, or otherwise not “letting” you say no, that’s a Them Problem, not a You Problem. The people who are worthy of your TME will take care to communicate that they respect your needs and preferences, even if they feel disappointed by your “no” in the moment.

“I know I haven’t been able to come the last few times you’ve invited me, but it’s not because I don’t want to! [My schedule is just busy][I’m feeling broke][I can’t really do things on weeknights][In general, roller skating isn’t really my jam][I’ve been pretty depressed, honestly, so socializing is a bit of a struggle right now]. But I hope the stars will align soon and I’ll be able to attend!”

When you know in your heart that you don’t have it in you to socialize, and are confident that doing it anyway is going to make you feel terrible, it can be a huge relief to let yourself opt out.

Sometimes, canceling plans is the best way to be a good friend—after all, you can’t fully show up for other people if you’re not taking care of yourself, and regularly attending hangouts when you aren’t up for it isn’t good for anyone.

If you’re going to be there physically but will be on another planet emotionally and mentally, that’s a strong sign you should cancel or reschedule.

social media apps allow us “to maintain relationships that would otherwise decay.”10 While most of us tend to think of this as a good thing, it’s actually not. Some of these relationships actually should decay—that’s necessary for us to have the time and space to establish and nurture new ones.

Remember that texting is a relatively modern invention, and so is the expectation of constant availability.

continuing to pay close attention to people who have hurt you or who you don’t like or whose life updates leave you feeling A Way does cost you.

If you’ve already decided that someone upsets you, you don’t need more evidence. And if you continue to look for more proof of this person’s shittiness (or their “unearned” success) so you can nurture your grievances, you’ll find yourself trapped in a negative feedback loop

There is no new information I could possibly glean from following them/interacting with them and then stewing over or yelling about the most recent thing they did.” When you know, unequivocally, that someone sucks, all the additional evidence does is make you feel worse.

In other instances, hurting your own feelings might look like testing other people and waiting for them to disappoint you—so you can then be angry about it.

when we’re feeling sad or disappointed or worried or vulnerable, it’s so much easier to assign blame to other people—or to simply distract ourselves—than it is to name all of our negative and uncomfortable feelings, to simply sit with them, or to admit we’re powerless to change the situation.

Making space is ultimately about protecting yourself—your time, and also your heart—and not hurting your own feelings is a way to remind yourself that you have some agency. Like, there are enough cruel people in the world who are more than happy to hurt us; we really don’t need to do that work for them.

If you don’t feel good at home, it’s so much harder to feel good out in the world.

The quest to build a home is connected up with a need to stabilize and organize our complex selves. It’s not enough to know who we are in our own minds. We need something more tangible, material and sensuous to pin down the diverse and intermittent aspects of our identities. We need to rely on a certain kinds of cutlery, bookshelves, laundry, cupboards, and armchairs to align us with who we are and seek to be. We are not vaunting ourselves; we’re trying to gather our identities in one receptacle, preserving ourselves from erosion and dispersal. Home means the place where our soul feels that it has found its proper physical container, where, every day, the objects we live amongst quietly remind us of our most authentic commitments and loves.

“There are times when we could all be a little less reactive, a little more empathetic, more focused and more grounded. That’s where a nature dose can help.”

Not a single day that followed made any sense. The fact that this could happen—that our seemingly normal life together could fracture so catastrophically, so suddenly, and in such a jagged, unfamiliar way—was shocking, and it was that shock, along with the grief, that completely gutted me.

Things are bad, and they are going to be bad for a while.

I just tried to make myself comfortable. I didn’t try to feel happy; I tried to feel less bad.

I accepted beauty and joy wherever I could get it and trusted that these small things would help me hang on until the wind started blowing my way again.

Everything feels different because everything is different. You’re in a Bad Time; of course nothing will be normal.

So not only is this shitty thing happening in my life, you might think. But now it’s affecting every area of my life??? Including the things I enjoy and care about and want to be doing? That’s . . . so fucking rude!!!

Your stress and anger and grief aren’t restricted to when you’re engaging with the bad thing; you carry it with you everywhere.

It’s important to allow yourself some time and space to grieve the loss of your old “normal,” and to allow yourself to make peace with the fact that things have changed.

The other side is so far away, you sort of don’t believe it exists.

Don’t look down. Instead, take one step. Then take another. Don’t imagine in vivid detail exactly how bad it would feel to fall into the shark pit or the quicksand or whatever horror you’re convinced is waiting for you in the final stretch. Don’t think about how many steps you still have to go. Focus on this step—and know that “doing nothing” might be the step.

So if you’re overwhelmed by all of the possible worst-case scenarios, try thinking smaller. Take a tiny next step. When the time comes, take another. And don’t look down.

Rituals serve to acknowledge the magnitude of your situation and to connect what is happening to you in this moment to the rest of humanity, past and present.

But if you are there, try not to beat yourself up for not being able to do “simple” tasks—because nothing is simple when your life is falling apart, and it’s pretty well established that humans struggle to complete basic tasks when they are having a hard time.

But consider this your gentle reminder that if you’re not sleeping or eating or drinking enough water, you’re probably not going to be able to manage the rest of what’s on your plate. These are the survival tasks; they aren’t something you can blow off for extended periods of time without consequences.

When you’re thinking about whether and how to be more honest, consider two things: what you’re comfortable with sharing and your relationship with the other person.

“Share a little and see how the person responds,” Nelson says. “Pay attention to social cues. Are they asking questions? Is it only one-way sharing?”

It’s also a good idea to set some boundaries in terms of sharing this information with others. Doing this is helpful for everyone involved—because if your friends know exactly what your expectations are, they are less likely to gossip and less likely to accidentally tell someone what’s going on.

Sometimes, being honest can feel like self-care; other times, it might feel like a burden.

“To be honest, I’m not in a place where I’m ready to look at the positives of this situation just yet. I’m still really hurt and angry, and I just need to be hurt and angry for a while.”

In most of these situations, it’s best to focus on yourself and your preferences instead of criticizing the other person’s behavior. Because in a lot of instances, the person won’t have done something universally wrong; they will simply have done something that you don’t appreciate.

If the person who is missing the mark is a close friend, you might want to be more direct and vulnerable—because not saying anything can do long-term damage to the friendship, and because you (presumably) do want and need their support in a different way right now.

When you’re going through a difficult time, venting can really help. Therapist Ryan Howes says that venting is really about processing. You haven’t come to any real conclusions yet; you just need to get your thoughts out of your head, and you need a warm body to listen. Venting tends to feel good; it helps us name what happened and give it a narrative structure, which is really powerful. But it’s also something that we can easily get lost in, draining our energy reserves and alienating the people who are listening to us in the process.

consider holding off until someone actually says, “How are you?” or “How’s everything going with [situation]?” Being asked still isn’t a free pass to dump on them for the next three hours, but this is an easy way to keep your urge to unload in check, and to make sure your friends are interested in your latest download.

If you need a friend to lend an ear, consider requesting it in a more formal way. Scheduling time to talk or text about a specific topic isn’t silly; it’s courteous.

So if you know you simply need to vent, or that you aren’t in a place to consider what to do next, tell the other person that up front.

It’s frustrating to listen to a friend talk endlessly about the same topic, particularly if they are refusing to acknowledge their part in the situation or do anything to feel better.

If you’re having an argument or intense conversation, take a break after forty-five minutes. After the forty-five-minute mark, she said, people tend to be too emotionally exhausted to have a productive conversation; a twenty-minute break (at minimum!) can help everyone process and reset a bit.

Notice if you are repeating yourself.

Pre-venting is when someone says, “I’ll tell you more about this tonight” . . . and then immediately launches into telling you now . . . and then still wants to discuss it in full when you see them later that night.

Consider journaling.

Dumping your thoughts on a page allows you get everything out and helps you process what you’re experiencing. Set a timer for twenty minutes—any longer than that can actually lead to ruminating—and write freely, without worrying about punctuation, spelling, or the “quality” of the writing.

I’m of the belief that not every conversation with a friend has to be perfectly balanced in terms of who is talking and who is listening.

The good news about being in crisis is that you’re allowed to opt out of normal activities. You are allowed to cancel plans; to ask for an extension on a deadline; to take a day off; to cry unexpectedly; to not be your best self.