The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

There’s not much space for generosity, confidence, or vulnerability when you’re constantly worried about whether you have enough and are enough.

So, what does knowing yourself even mean? Being able to name the main qualities that make you you Having a clear sense of your core values and your priorities Knowing what you like and don’t like Identifying what makes you feel comfortable and uncomfortable Acknowledging what you are willing and unwilling to do Being aware of how you’re likely to react (or are reacting) in a given situation

When I say acceptance, I mean bearing witness to what is true about yourself and your life—even the messy, painful, embarrassing parts—so you can respond to that reality. Acceptance is about being brave enough to look at who you are and not turning away or immediately looking for a fix when you don’t like what you see. It’s not about settling; after all, you may still want to make significant changes that will ultimately make your life better. It’s about grace—offering yourself compassion and mercy, even if you’re not totally convinced you deserve it.

Our values are incredibly important to who we are; they inform our priorities and decisions, guide our behaviors, and shape our relationships.

better at naming your emotions, the Center for Nonviolent Communication’s website has a fantastic list of feelings to describe what’s going on with you in a given moment, which might help you strengthen your emotional vocabulary. But really, naming your emotions begins with checking in with yourself regularly. Walton says, “Real awareness asks you to turn a switch, focusing on ‘What’s going on inside me at this moment?’”

“Answer a single question, in writing, each night before bed: ‘As I look back on today, what did I do that was actually worth my time?’”

It started when I was constantly stressed about work. So much of that stress was rooted in my attempts to always do more. I’d gotten it in my head that the only way to do something was perfectly, and I applied that to everything. And I was just tired. I felt like my brain was on fire all the time. So I stopped doing so much (which is exactly as easy and as difficult as it sounds). And it felt great?!

Doing less means not always trying to do The Absolute Most. It’s recognizing that sometimes, you don’t have to go to three stores to get your friend the perfect “OMG, so them!!!” birthday card in existence—because any birthday card you choose will do. It’s planning to make guacamole for your next potluck, and then taking a look at your schedule for the next few days and remembering that—if I may quote Ina Garten here—store-bought is fine.

Try shutting the world out for a few hours by putting your phone on Do Not Disturb and/or airplane mode during solo and alone activities like cooking, running errands, commuting, and getting ready in the morning; you might be surprised by how refreshed and content you feel.

But it also might mean they don’t want to be your friend! Which is disappointing and stings, but is also fine—because you don’t actually want to be friends with people who don’t want to be friends with you or who don’t share any of your interests.

If you’re inclined to cancel because you feel terrible every time you hang out with this person or these people, that’s very good information to have! In that case, don’t just consider canceling; consider whether this relationship is actually serving you and worth your time in the first place.

If you’re tempted to overcompensate (or be rather dismissive), it might be because you’re actually feeling vulnerable or uncomfortable about your choice. While that’s totally normal, it’s a good idea to take a moment to center yourself and really own your decision, which will allow you to operate from a sincere, confident, and emotionally honest place when you do ultimately cancel.

Core reason I use this app: To zone out Problem: I’m zoning out for too long or too often, and I feel guilty because I’m not getting to do the other things I care about and want to do. Alternatives: I could recognize that we all need to zone out every once in a while and not be so hard on myself. I could also set time limits around my zone-out times, make that the reward for doing other things, or experiment with other forms of zoning out that feel healthier or more contained.

Like a lot of people, I used to switch-task pretty much nonstop. I dabbled in monotasking for a bit, but I didn’t really prioritize it across all areas of my life until I read the management book The Mind of the Leader, in which the authors write that switch-tasking makes us “masters of everything that is irrelevant.”12 YIKES. But also . . . true? Experts agree that switch-tasking simply doesn’t work. When your attention is divided across tasks and tabs and devices and conversations, you end up feeling less whole. It left me feeling drained and scattered, and the scientific evidence and my own lived experience told me that I wasn’t actually getting shit done this way.

As my colleague Anna Borges has written,13 instead of asking, “Do I need therapy?” a better question is “How might I benefit from therapy?” Therapy isn’t just for people dealing with trauma or serious mental health issues; you can also talk to a therapist about dating woes, setting boundaries with friends, tension with your parents or siblings, job stress, low-level anxiety or sadness, and pretty much anything else that’s a source of difficulty in your life. And just because you go to therapy once, you aren’t locked into going forever; it can absolutely be a shorter-term deal. If you care about being emotionally intelligent, feeling your best, and having good relationships, therapy can be a great addition to your showing-up routine.

Because sleep is so important to me, I protect my sleep schedule fiercely. I’m willing to miss out on other fun activities to get enough sleep. I don’t watch a lot of TV, and there’s a good chance I will turn down your invitation to get drinks on a weeknight. I know this doesn’t exactly make me sound cool. But I don’t really care—I’d much rather be energetic, relaxed, kind, and healthy than cool!

Body neutrality invites you to focus on what you can do with your body instead of what it looks like. (And if your body can’t do as much as you’d like it to, or as much as it once did, Poirier suggests celebrating what it can do while also allowing yourself to grieve what it cannot.)

When a negative thought about your body pops into your head, reply with, “Thanks for sharing” or “That’s not helpful for me right now.” You don’t have to talk yourself out of the negative thought; the goal is simply to notice it.

Exercise. Make sure you’re getting enough sleep. Don’t drink too much. Meditate. Practice gratitude. Take a vacation. Get off social media. Volunteer. Take your meds. Go to therapy.

your approach to chores should reflect the life you currently live. There’s truly no benefit to telling yourself you’ll clean a little bit every evening if you know you won’t; you’ll simply feel guilty every evening when you don’t do the thing. It’s better to be honest with yourself and come up with a plan you can actually achieve. If all you’re doing is building a shiny new tool that you’ll then use to beat yourself up, it doesn’t count as showing up for yourself.

My friend Terri says that there are two types of people in this world: People who like hobbies and people who prefer activities. I concur! She defines a hobby as something you craft and pursue over time, and an activity as something that doesn’t require any real skill and that is typically more of a onetime event (though you can definitely do the same activity repeatedly). To quote Terri: “Lying on the grass in the park on a nice day? Activity! Going to the park every weekend with your Nat Geo field guide to identify the birds chirping loudly overhead? Hobby!” So if hobbies aren’t working for you, perhaps consider getting into activities (like visiting museums, going to concerts or shows, reading, trying new restaurants, doing puzzles, or playing games) instead.

That night, I surrendered. I bought myself two pairs of cozy pajamas—an outfit designed for the sole purpose of lying down. This was when I fully understood what it meant to show up for myself. It wasn’t about taking a bubble bath; it was admitting to myself, Things are bad, and they are going to be bad for a while. It was dressing not for the life I wanted, but for the life I had.

Whenever I’m pacing around my home and/or kind of spiraling, and know I should do something but can’t decide what it should be, I’ll clean my bathroom. I don’t overthink it; I just go. And fifteen to twenty minutes later (which is about how long it takes me to clean my bathroom, despite what I like to tell myself when I’m avoiding doing it), my sink is sparkling and I feel better.

If you have to choose between sleep and other things that might make you feel good (like exercise or cooking at home), choose sleep. Sleep is so core to our health and to everything we do—don’t skimp on it in the name of other “healthy” activities.

My point: When people offer to help you, believe that they mean it. And if no one has explicitly offered, know that it’s still OK to ask for and accept help.

Let Yourself Throw Money at the Problem Money can’t solve all your problems or bring back the life you’ve lost, but it can still help a lot—particularly when everyday tasks are turning into giant stressors or huge stumbling blocks. Money can pay for everything from grocery delivery to taxis to a professional house cleaning to the cost of a canceled flight. To paraphrase my friend Meg Keene, there will be times when you think, “I do not care about this thing and I will rip out my eyes if I have to think about it for one more second. Hence, I will throw money at it.”21 When you’re struggling, money pays for convenience, and the ability to be a tiny bit less stressed out. Of course, this won’t always be an option—it obviously requires that you have money, which not everyone does! But if you do have a little money and just aren’t giving yourself permission to spend it, remember the classic Don Draper quote that I will now use completely out of context: “That’s what the money is for!!!”

Don’t Mistake a Level 4 Friend for a Level 9 Friend During our conversation, Shasta Nelson said something I’ve been thinking about ever since. We were talking about the levels of friendship, and I commented that most of us probably don’t have that many friends at a level 9 or 10—like, not that many people would reach that level of intimacy in our lives, right? She replied, “Many of us don’t have anyone up there.” She went on to say that if you don’t have a lot of friends in the top tier, it’s easy to treat level 4 or 5 friends like they are level 9 or 10 friends—because they are your “best” friends, even if they aren’t actually your best friends. It’s truly a bummer not to have someone who feels like Your Person, but trying to fast-track friendship in this way tends to backfire. So before you unload on your friends, it can be worthwhile to take an honest look at the relationship. Does the sharing go both ways? Are you Their Person, too? Or are you vaunting them to a higher level of friendship when it’s not really appropriate or earned?

A couples therapist once gave me this very good advice: If you’re having an argument or intense conversation, take a break after forty-five minutes. After the forty-five-minute mark, she said, people tend to be too emotionally exhausted to have a productive conversation; a twenty-minute break (at minimum!) can help everyone process and reset a bit.

Consider journaling. I wrote an entire book about journaling, so I admit I’m a bit biased, but the health benefits of journaling are well documented. Dumping your thoughts on a page allows you get everything out and helps you process what you’re experiencing. Set a timer for twenty minutes—any longer than that can actually lead to ruminating—and write freely, without worrying about punctuation, spelling, or the “quality” of the writing. Your writing doesn’t need to be “interesting” because no one is ever going to read it. (You don’t even have to reread it later!) You might find you feel a lot better overall, and that your urge to vent to a friend has mysteriously disappeared.

Making friends as an adult is hard. You could be forgiven for not expecting this, especially if you had a lot of close friends as a youth, or if you grew up believing that adulthood would resemble Friends or Sex and the City. But the reality is, having a tight/set friend group as an adult isn’t the reality for a lot of people, especially as more of us move farther away from our hometowns and colleges and relocate for work (often repeatedly).

Before you jump into making friends headfirst, it’s worthwhile to think about what you’re looking for in new friends—and identify what you have to offer. I’ve found that when I don’t do this, I end up wasting TME getting to know people who aren’t ever going to be my people, or end up in friendships that aren’t actually that great for me. Or I’ll treat making friends as an all-or-nothing proposition and quickly burn out.

A Deep–Shallow Companion Regardless of how many friends researchers say you need or how many you currently have, my theory is that everyone needs one individual to fill the role of what I call your deep–shallow companion. This is the person who is willing to listen to you talk about the most humdrum shit about your day (aka your deep–shallow topics), pretty much every day (and then shares theirs in turn). They let you go on about the traffic you sat in, the errands you ran, the minutiae of your to-do list, or everything Sweetgreen did right or wrong with regard to your salad order. (My experiences with the Sweetgreen app are the epitome of deep–shallow talk.) Deep–shallow stories are both too boring and too complicated for most audiences. It’s not real drama but a five-act Shakespearean play, and it all took place in the self-checkout line at Target. Deep–shallow is the height of intimacy demonstrated through extremely not-intimate conversational topics. It’s a bond and love that is so deeply rooted it can withstand this particular type of shallow conversation. Of course, most relationships include the occasional deep–shallow talk; sometimes, the first coworker pal you see when you walk into the office is gonna hear your terrible commute story, whether they like it or not. But your deep–shallow person is the one who you talk like this with daily. It’s a role often filled by a parent, sibling, or romantic partner because it requires so much love. My suspicion is that a lot ...

The Myth of the Best Friend From Broad City to Bill & Ted to The Baby-Sitters Club, there’s a well-established cultural narrative about what a best friend looks like. They are wise and funny, honest but always kind. They have known you since you were five years old and you talk every day. They do tequila shots with you after you get dumped and give a perfect toast at your wedding. They know all your secrets and also your mom. They are somehow always around when you are trying on clothes. They are one of the most important people in your life, and they always have your back. If you don’t have the Hollywood version of a BFF, it’s easy to think there’s something wrong with you—that no one likes you, that you’re not capable of making close friends or maintaining friendships, that you’re all alone in this world. I subscribe to the Mindy Kaling sentiment that “a best friend isn’t a person; it’s a tier.” Throughout my adult life, I’ve had (and have!) multiple best friends. Still, I’m not immune to the idea that I should have a singular best friend who also considers me their best friend. That idea is pervasive, and the pressure is real. But I’m beginning to realize that this best friend is, for a lot of people, a myth. Like, a best friend? In this economy??? I’m only sort of kidding. The world is changing in ways that make it incredibly hard to make or maintain a traditional best friendship. When you’re moving every few years or #hustling nonstop just to stay afloat, it’s difficu...

Small Talk: How to Start a Conversation, Truly Connect with Others, and Make a Killer First Impression,

Accept their invitations. If a new friend invites you to their art showcase, recital, or house party, actually show up. Attending an event earns you friendship points regardless of where you are in the relationship, but I swear there’s some sort of gold star multiplier applied when you do it early on in the relationship. Everyone loves it. It’s an incredibly effective way to show interest and enthusiasm in the person, and to learn a little more about them.

According to sociologist Mark Granovetter, having “weak ties” (think: a friendly crossing guard you chat with regularly, someone you see at the park or gym several days each week) can boost your overall well-being, and make you feel less lonely and more connected to your community.

Be generous with attention. Look, we’re all simple creatures: We just want people to care about us and think we’re interesting/special. And the entry-level way to communicate “You’re interesting and special!” is simply to pay attention. As Small Talk author Diane Weston explains it, “Whether you are talking to your partner or someone you’re standing next to in line, the thing that most people want is to be listened to. Not just tolerated.” So, how to communicate that you’re doing more than just tolerating someone? Start with the basics: Make eye contact with them and don’t look at anything else, including your phone; listen to what they are saying (instead of thinking about what you are going to say in response); and respond in a way that shows you heard what they said.31 I know these seem fairly obvious, but it’s surprising(ish) how many people don’t bother to do them.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with liking everyone as a potential new friend at first—that’s how making friends begins! But it causes problems when you find yourself collecting potential new friends, and treating them as interchangeable. At that point, it’s less about genuinely connecting with people and more about fitting them into the role of Friend that you’re trying to cast—which is something folks tend to pick up on and don’t respond well

I’m realizing that so much of being a person in the world is believing that you’re the aberration—that everyone except you has it all figured out; that they all have access to something you don’t; that you’re broken and in need of fixing. But you’re not insufficient; you’re good. We’re all good.

I’m a big believer in the idea that we should give our non-romantic relationships the sort of attention, care, and mental energy that we give our romantic ones.

I would like to see more women’s magazines devote as much space to the topic of friendship as they do to romantic relationships. “101 Ways to Please Your Friends This Weekend!” “Exactly What to Say to Blow Your Friend’s Mind Tonight!” But at minimum, we should be thinking about our close friends at least as much we think about our crushes, our favorite sports teams, or reality TV celebrities.

Come to conversations prepared with things to talk about. You don’t need to make a twenty-minute PowerPoint presentation before a coffee hangout, but in the hour before your visit, you may want to think of some answers to the inevitable “What’s new with you?” question. If you’re drawing a blank, think about what you’ve enjoyed recently (books, podcasts, movies, new recipes); any noteworthy purchases you’ve made since you saw them last; any new trips/vacations you’re planning; and anything on your calendar for the next month or so that you’re excited about.

If you’re making group plans, ask everyone to share their ideal budget/range for lodging, activities, etc. before you do any research. (Ideally, they’d share this info privately with the main organizer, but it may not always be possible.) If you’re willing to pick up the tab for dinner or drinks, say “my treat” when you invite your friend so they don’t stress about it (or decline because they can’t afford it). If you’re assuming you’ll split the cost of something evenly, make sure they are on the same page. Ask them how much they are willing to spend on tickets to an event before you make the purchase, and be clear about the date by which you expect them to reimburse you. Remember to suggest free activities from time to time, and be kind if they tell you that they can’t afford the upgrade you’d really love to splurge on. Lead by example: Be willing to say something is too expensive for you, so they know they can do the same. Ultimately, just be mindful of the fact that a lot of people won’t tell you directly that they are broke—and know that even people who have money will likely notice and appreciate your being thoughtful and considerate about others’ finances.

And, as my friend Terri has said, just because your friend seems to enjoy doing it and is good at it, you don’t get to opt out entirely! You should still offer to help out so they can take a break occasionally, or offer to share the work by doing something similar in scope that still needs to be done. At the absolute minimum, you can do two things for a friend who takes on the labor of showing up: 1) respect the work, and 2) honor the work.

Remember Dunbar’s numbers; most of us can really only manage three to five super intimate relationships at a time (and that includes family members!), and nine to fifteen close relationships. It can be hard to admit that you can’t actually be best friends with everyone, but . . . you can’t! Admitting and owning your limitations is a major part of showing up.

We all know that social media updates provide a snippet of our lives that never tells the whole story. Yet we’re often still content to get a large portion of our updates about our friends from social media!!! So consider this a gentle reminder that getting updates mainly from social media really isn’t enough.

Recounting information to other people is a great study trick, and it works here, too. Obviously you shouldn’t recap your friends’ personal business to others, but repeating small details—like their spouse’s name, how many kids they have, their hometown, and so on—to your roommate or spouse when you get home from your hangout will help you remember it.

Resist the urge to say, “I understand,” or to share your version of a similar-seeming experience. It can be really difficult not to jump in with your own stories, particularly if the person is going through something fairly unique, or if you’re genuinely trying to demonstrate that you get it. But try to pump the breaks. In your attempt to empathize, you run the risk of totally missing the mark and, say, equating the death of their child with the death of your pet goldfish. If you are confident you’ve had a similar experience that they might want to hear about, maybe say something like this: “I lost my mom to cancer when I was fifteen, and while I know I’ll never understand how you feel right now, I am here if you ever want to talk about losing a parent.” The key is to let them decide if the experiences are similar enough to bond over, and to frame it as “this is something we can talk about later” instead of derailing the current conversation to talk your experience.

“Do you want to talk about it?” This is my go-to response immediately after a person has told me something shitty that just happened to them. What I’m really saying is, “This sounds bad. I’m here for you, but I’m going to make sure a conversation with me is what you want/need right now before I launch into it.” Occasionally when I do this, the person will realize they actually don’t want to talk about it, or will say they want to talk about it at some point later, but for now, they’d prefer to stay focused on the task at hand. Which: great! I’d rather give them a moment to think about what they really want to do instead of replying in a way that gets them all fired up and emotional before they even realize what is happening.

“Oh, gosh; how are you feeling about it?” or “Oh! How are you feeling about it?” I say this when I need a liiiitle more information. A lot of people (myself included!) have a habit of telling others what happened but forget to say how they feel about what happened. I don’t want to be the friend who says “Oh no!” in response to a wanted pregnancy, or who mistakes a demotion at work for exciting job news. I’d prefer not to take the risk when it’s so easy to do a quick check-in before I start emoting.