The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

If you do something nice, don’t expect a response or a thank-you message. I respect the importance of thank-you notes, but all bets are off when a person is in crisis. If you give someone a gift in terrible circumstances, do so with the knowledge that it might go “unnoticed.” They might not have the bandwidth to thank you or send a card . . . and then a lot of time might pass and they’ll either forget or feel too embarrassed to do so. Don’t take it personally. (I actually recommend adding “no need to respond” or “no need to thank me” to the card accompanying the gift to free them of this burden.) And by the way, if you were the receiver of such a gift and are feeling guilty about not acknowledging it at the time, 1) let it go and move on with your life, or 2) just thank them now!

If you and a friend have fallen out of touch, you might feel conflicted about what to do if you learn through the grapevine (or social media) that they are going through a tough time. My advice: Unless there is a lot of bad blood, or they told you never to speak to them again, you should do something. I think it’s best to reach out in a way that is low-key or that gives them a little more space, particularly if you had some kind of falling out. Receiving a card or an email with a kind, thoughtful message—written by someone who once knew them well—can be incredibly meaningful for someone going through a rough time, and they’ll likely recognize and appreciate the risk you took in reaching out.

Modeling good boundaries for people is helping them. “So many times, people’s complaints have to do with the fact that they are feeling taken advantage of,” Howes says. “If you can help them by showing them how to set a good boundary, that’s even more important than the words that you say.” When you communicate genuine caring and love while modeling good boundaries, you give them permission to do the same—and that is a true gift.

Radical candor, the brainchild of Kim Scott (who worked at Google and has consulted for several other big tech companies), is direct communication that is rooted in caring personally. It’s mostly used as a framework for management/leadership, but I’ve found it even more useful in my personal relationships.

State the consequences of the behavior. This could be something like “Your comment made me, a cat owner, feel terrible” or “What should have been a fun day was ruined.” I recommend doing this because it can be very easy to assume that their action was so obviously bad, they’ll immediately understand how you’re feeling or why it was a problem as soon as you name it. But that’s not always the case! So tell them in plain terms what resulted.

Whatever you say, keep it short. Harriet Lerner says that when we’re seeking an apology, most of us tend to go into great detail about the reasons we’re angry and upset. This feels satisfying, but it doesn’t help us resolve the situation or get through to the other person. “People take in very little information when they don’t want to hear what you’re saying,” Lerner says. “If your intention is to be heard and to make room for a sincere apology and behavioral change, opt for brevity. This is especially challenging if your automatic tendency is to say too much.” Do everyone a favor and keep it brief.

Stay curious. Even if you’re 99 percent sure this person definitely fucked up, there’s a pretty good chance they didn’t think they were fucking up. So instead of bulldozing them with declarations about their intentions or character, say your piece and then let them speak. Listen to their explanations with an open mind, and be willing to admit it if you’re a little less right than you thought you were. It’s not always easy to do, but I’ve found that keeping “Stay curious” in mind during difficult conversations makes me softer, gentler, and kinder and really doesn’t detract from my ability to communicate that I’m upset or unhappy.