The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

There’s not much space for generosity, confidence, or vulnerability when you’re constantly worried about whether you have enough and are enough.

The more you unpack your own motivations and patterns, and name and honor your own needs, the easier it becomes to do the same for others—to

Figuring out that truth can, at times, be an uncomfortable process.

first three steps of the showing-up process—noticing, naming, and processing—and just sit in that place for a sec before you move on to the fourth step: responding.

When you have a clear sense of what specifically makes you feel good (or bad), you can improve your self-awareness, recognize your true needs, set boundaries, and effectively respond to problems (big and small).

But so many of us have been trained not to take our personal preferences and comfort seriously or to advocate for our basic needs.

Being able to perceive and name your emotions is critical to self-awareness and identifying what you need—so, two major aspects of showing up.

Admitting you need something is a vulnerable act, which is why it can be so difficult.

It’s also wise to remember that boundaries are both cultural and personal, and someone who is crossing your line isn’t necessarily a terrible person.

Showing up for yourself isn’t possible if you don’t make space for yourself—space to notice and respond; space to flourish and thrive; space that you can fill with the habits, activities, and people that truly make you feel good.

Making space means you have to say no sometimes—no to your beloved friends, to your coworkers, to the things you “want” (but don’t really want), to the things you genuinely want (but not right this second), to your notifications and goddamn phone. You can’t be your happiest, most authentic self if you regularly abdicate this responsibility.

So much of that stress was rooted in my attempts to always do more. I’d gotten it in my head that the only way to do something was perfectly, and I applied that to everything.

To be good at being alone, you have to like your own company and have confidence that being alone sometimes (or a lot of the time!) isn’t some huge character flaw or moral failing.

Remember that being honest is an act of vulnerability, and that vulnerability can actually strengthen a friendship.

Yes, we want to feel better, but we also like thinking of ourselves as complicated creatures whose unique problems couldn’t possibly be solved by something as obvious as going to the gym or making a gratitude list every night. We want to believe that our problems are too big for the scientifically backed, tried-and-true, “basic” solutions to fix.

It can feel more vulnerable to say, “I feel broken but I am fixable” than it does to say, “I’m so broken, I’m simply beyond repair.” The former asks something of us and can make us feel small and afraid, while the latter validates our struggle and feels kind of righteous.

Showing up for yourself takes place in your habits—the behaviors you repeat, often without having to really think about them.

“There are times when we could all be a little less reactive, a little more empathetic, more focused and more grounded. That’s where a nature dose can help.”

Whether you choose a hobby or an activity, the goal is just to develop an interest that brings joy, satisfaction, and relaxation to your free time.

being mediocre at your hobby won’t kill you.

showing up for yourself when you’re going through a rough patch can feel downright impossible.

“There are downsides to pretending we don’t have needs: It denies that we’re human, and it robs our friends of the joy of giving. We’re not as fun to play with if we only sit at the bottom of the teeter-totter, never giving our friend a chance to push us up.”

It’s great to be considerate and think about whether you’re asking too much of other people. But so often, this results in our never allowing anyone to take care of us, and shouldering these tasks entirely on our own.

Venting tends to feel good; it helps us name what happened and give it a narrative structure, which is really powerful. But it’s also something that we can easily get lost in, draining our energy reserves and alienating the people who are listening to us in the process.

“Whether you are talking to your partner or someone you’re standing next to in line, the thing that most people want is to be listened to. Not just tolerated.”

Become known as the friend who says, “I believe you,” especially if your friend has never given you any reason not to believe them.

And try to take more photos of your people in general when you’re together. Not for posting on social media—just to have.

Showing up for friends means not begrudging their efforts when they are actively trying to change for the better.

When you don’t do any sort of labor within your friendship and/or fail to acknowledge that your friends are doing that work, it can lead to hurt feelings and resentment.

At the absolute minimum, you can do two things for a friend who takes on the labor of showing up: 1) respect the work, and 2) honor the work.

If you’re really struggling to connect with a friend—literally or figuratively—it might be time to ask yourself whether you truly want to. Not all friendships are forever friendships, and some friendships are helped a great deal by proximity or exposure or being at a certain life stage.

Be grateful for the good things this friendship brought into your life, accept things as they are (instead of what you wish they could be), let go of your guilt, and put your precious time and energy into someone or something that makes you feel as good as that friend once did.

To make an effort is to admit you want or need something—that your life isn’t exactly where you want it to be.

Being noticed can genuinely make someone’s day, foster warmth and positivity, and turn casual pals into close friends.

Noticing isn’t about obsessively reading into every little thing someone does; it’s about learning to really see people—their values, behaviors, preferences, emotions, needs, boundaries, experiences—and being able to recall what you saw.

people with the “best” memories don’t have an innate skill; they just really care about remembering information.

Great memories are learned. At the most basic level, we remember when we pay attention. We remember when we are deeply engaged. We remember when we are able to take a piece of information and experience, and figure out why it is meaningful to us, why it is significant, why it’s colorful, when we’re able to transform it in some way that makes sense in the light of all of the other things floating around in our minds.36

When a friend is going through a hard time, you likely won’t be able to make the situation better. But you can help them survive. You can honor and validate their loss; bear witness to their experiences and pain; let them know that they are cared about and valued; and remind them that they are not alone. And you can not make things worse.

But first, stop and think about what you specifically can truly offer in this moment. You shouldn’t go into debt (emotional or financial) when you’re showing up for someone else. (And really, the other person probably doesn’t want you to do that.) Give what you have, and trust that that will be enough.

The TL;DR? Comfort in, dump out. When your friend is dealing with something difficult, they shouldn’t ever feel like they need to make you feel better about their situation.

The simplest way to not come across as judgmental when people are opening up to you is to not judge them.

if you do mess up and react badly in the moment, it doesn’t have to be the end of the world! Just own your mistake and offer a genuine and heartfelt apology.

Just because something is common doesn’t mean it’s not the worst thing in the world to this person.

don’t assume you’re off the hook just because someone seems to be doing better. According to therapist Andrea Bonior, there can actually be a higher at risk when they appear to be bouncing back.

You can deeply love your friend, you can deeply care about your friend, and you can also be extremely tired of listening to your friend talk about their problems.

Because you know what’s worse than someone you like and respect telling you that you messed up? Finding out that someone you like and respect secretly thought you were making a mess but was too chickenshit to tell you. Or having someone blow up at you—or ghost you—because of years of simmering resentment over grievances they didn’t have the nerve to tell you.

Radical candor happens when you are willing to speak honestly about how you perceive a situation because you care about the person and genuinely want the best for them.

Radical candor is firm, but it’s quiet.

Radical candor can be difficult and feel incredibly uncomfortable, especially if you’ve been socialized to believe that your worth is dependent on your being likable.

It also means you have to welcome radical candor when it’s directed at you—so, receiving feedback with grace, letting go of your defensiveness, swallowing your pride, and saying, “Thank you for being honest with me. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.”