The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

requires you to do something that can be even harder—to show up for yourself first. That

Who Am I? I’m someone who

show up for others if you aren’t showing up for yourself first. You just can’t! So if you’re tempted to skip the first part and go straight to the “fun stuff” where you show up for your friends, it might be worth thinking about why, exactly, you think taking care of yourself and your own needs is optional.

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The more you unpack your own motivations and patterns, and name and honor your own needs, the easier it becomes to do the same for others—to understand why they are behaving a certain way, to view their needs as legitimate, to withhold judgment when they are struggling, to be kind and compassionate, and to respond in a way that makes them feel seen.

Breaking the Ice with . . . Yourself Icebreaker questions aren’t just for getting to know your coworkers during corporate retreats; they can also help you get to know yourself better. Here are some of my favorites for self-reflection. What was the last thing that pleasantly surprised you? When was the last time you really wanted to scream? What is the exact level of famous you’d want to be? What was a trip or vacation you took that lasted too long? What’s something about yourself that you hope will never change? What is the best compliment you’ve ever received? What is your favorite birthday memory? What are you a natural at? Your Comfort

Your Everyday Life How much do routines matter to you? Do you prefer familiarity or trying lots of new things? Are you a morning person or a night person? When during the day do you feel mentally sharp? When do you feel most creative? When do you feel most social? When do you most want to be alone? Are you spontaneous or do you like to make plans far in advance? What are (at least) three things that energize you? What are (at least) three things that exhaust you? What are three everyday-ish activities or parts of daily your routine that you just love and feel good about? What is your ideal evening activity/nightly routine if you hope to get a good night’s sleep? What are three everyday-ish activities that you hate doing or dread? When you’re going about your day, do you like having background noise? What kind? What activities do you like doing alone? What activities do you prefer to do with other people? How much does your physical appearance matter to you? What effect does your appearance have on your mood? When do you feel most attractive? Least attractive?

Do you prefer being indoors or outdoors? When do you crave being outside? What makes you want to be inside more? How much does tidiness matter to you? What about cleanliness? Does the answer change if you’re talking about home versus work versus public spaces versus other people’s spaces? What is your preferred mode of transportation? How do you define a “crowd”? Think of a situation in your life where the crowd level felt good and right. What about an instance when a crowd felt stressful or scary? What’s your comfort level with sounds/noises? For example, are you comfortable in a space with loud music playing? Is there a type of noise or sound that you just can’t stand? What, if anything, is likely to make you feel physically unwell? What everyday activities do you prefer to do IRL? Which do you prefer to do virtually or through an app? How comfortable are you with technology? What technology do you rely on? What do you wish you relied on less? Feelings, Emotions, and Relating to Others Do you enjoy chatting with strangers and/or new people? Do you like physical touch? Are you a hugger? How comfortable are you talking about feelings (your own and other people’s)? What topics do you consider too private to discuss with casual friends? What about close friends? How modest would you say you are? Do you consider yourself a serious person? What kinds of jokes/humor/pranks do you like? What kinds piss you off? How sentimental are you? What holidays, anniversaries, or events do ...

The Four Levels of Mental Energy I often turn to Gretchen Rubin’s four levels of mental energy to help me figure out what I want and need and should be doing with myself in a given moment. Here’s how she defines the four levels. Level 1: Contemplative Energy—planning, deciding, creating, inhibiting (holding yourself back from saying, doing, or thinking something), setting priorities, making transitions Level 2: Engagement Energy—talking to other people; reading or observing, using critical thinking Level 3: Audience Energy—passively watching or listening Level 4: Habit Energy—mindlessly executing a habitual behavior Realizing that I can’t tackle Level 1 activities (at least not successfully) when I’m at a Level 3 was a light-bulb moment for me. Of course, I don’t always have a choice, but even just naming the level I’m currently at makes me feel better—more in control, more realistic, and more capable.

Personality tests to try: Enneagram 16 Personalities The 5 Love Languages The Four Tendencies I like personality tests because

(or for anyone).

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Showing up for yourself isn’t possible if you don’t make space for yourself—space to notice and respond; space to flourish and thrive; space that you can fill with the habits, activities, and people that truly make you feel good. But space is not always easy to come by. There’s a growing expectation that we will always be on, reachable, in communication with dozens of our closest friends (virtually or IRL). No wonder we’re all exhausted. Making space begins with making choices. If you

The

Try reducing your outputs while you’re solo and/or alone. A lot of the conversation around social media use is framed around consuming content and overlooks the creation part, which is a shame. Because even if you’re not an influencer, there’s a good chance you’re still generating content—so, posting photos, updating your status, texting your people, and documenting your day or your activities . . . or responding to others’ photos, statuses, texts, and documentation. And that’s a problem! First, the moment you begin to document something, the less present you are. And the more you create, the more you invite responses, which traps you in a cycle of liking and responding even more. Constant output is super distracting, saps valuable energy, and ensures that you’re never (or rarely) really alone.

As my

much these small changes can help. Basically: If you have the means to get a nicer couch and that would make you happier, then do that. If that’s a non-starter, maybe just take

The opposite is also true: When my home isn’t clean and tidy (by my own standards), I feel far less equipped to handle life’s daily stressors and to show up for the people I care about. And I know I’m not the only person who feels this way. Doing chores regularly can be a good way to remove unnecessary stress from your life and make your home a cozier, more pleasant place to be. (By the way, if chores are a struggle for you because of bigger issues, feel free to skip or skim this section for now. You might find that the tips in Chapter 5 are more your speed.)

Do you care more about tidiness or cleanliness? Two very different things! To care about tidiness is to care about neatness—so: Items are stored in their proper place and arranged in an orderly manner, and clutter is at a minimum. To care about cleanliness is to care about filth—it’s wanting a space that is free of dirt, stains, spills, hair, dust, and germs. It’s surprisingly easy to care a lot about one while barely noticing the other. Think about which one matters most to you, or if they matter equally. (And the answer to this question might be “neither” . . . in that case, try to determine which one is more important to you.)

What messy, cluttered, or dirty areas in your home make you feel bad or make life more difficult? What neat, clean, tidy areas in your home make you feel good or make life easier? Put some thought into what specifically makes you low-key mad every single day, what slows you down when you’re getting ready and getting out the door, what gets in the way of cooking or preparing food, what causes tension with housemates, and what makes it harder to engage in or enjoy the other things you care about (e.g., hobbies, entertaining, working from home, sleeping). And also think about the things that make you demonstrably happier whenever they are taken care of. All this can help you determine which chores specifically feel valuable and pressing to you. How do you feel physically during and after chores? Doing chores can be a literal pain. If you have arthritis, asthma, bad knees, or a disability, you might find it difficult to do a lot (or all!) of the chores you’d like to do. In some instances, you may be able to figure out tenable solutions. But you also may not be able to. And that’s fine! The point of this exercise is to figure out what makes sense in your life.

Nelson frames this kind of opening up in the context of what she calls the “frientimacy triangle.” The three sides of the triangle are positivity (which in this context means genuine interest, joy, amusement, humor, and pleasantness); consistency (i.e., spending time together, which establishes confidence and trust in the relationship); and vulnerability (sharing more personal details, being willing to be exposed and honest).

Don’t write off people who are at different life stages than you. Whether you’re just starting college or sending your third child off to grad school, it’s completely reasonable to want to make friends who are doing roughly the same things you are. And I don’t want to gloss over the importance of building a community around shared life experiences or identities—those commonalities really do matter. But we miss out on valuable relationships when we write people off for being, say, too old or too young, or for not being parents or not being students. These days, fewer of us are attending religious services, getting to know our neighbors, and engaging in civic activities, which means we have far less exposure to people at different life stages. But talking to people from different generations broadens our worldview and makes us kinder, smarter, and more empathetic. These friendships are also just practical. For example, if you, a thirty-six-year-old parent, need a last-minute babysitter on a Saturday night, who are you going to call? Your thirty-five-year-old BFF with a newborn and a toddler and a super firm bedtime schedule? No—you’re going to call me, because I don’t have kids and I’d absolutely love to hold your baby! Or maybe you’ll call the person who has been an empty nester for years, or your twenty-three-year-old former intern. There’s a reason that for most of human history, humans have organized themselves in networks that include elders and youths, y’all. And even ...

Be prepared to put down your phone. I get why you’d prefer to connect with people primarily in cyberspace . . . but scrolling endlessly or putting most of your effort into online friendships drains time and energy and can sap your desire to connect with folks in meatspace. So as much as it pains me—an introvert who loves doing everything online—to admit it, you simply have to be willing to be on your phone a little bit less and in the real world a little bit more when you want to make new IRL friends. Know that you’re going to have to talk to people. If you’re trying to make friends in the wild, you really can’t just wait around for someone to talk to you. I mean you can—it’s your life—but it will be harder and take longer

Make a point to research or engage with their interests in your free time. If they keep talking about a comic book or podcast they are into, or they recommend a recipe or product, check it out after your conversation. You might discover that it’s not really your thing, which is fine—you don’t have to join their fandom to further the friendship. Even saying something like, “I looked up that wild Wikipedia entry you mentioned the other day and—WOW!” communicates “I am listening to you and I am interested in you.”

Take photos of and with them. Having a couple of photos of yourself that you really like is such a treat. But a lot of folks don’t have any, or have a bunch of selfies they secretly feel kind of self-conscious about. So if a friend is having a great hair day or wearing an awesome outfit, tell them that, and then offer to snap some pics of them. (And take the time to get a shot that they are actually happy with!) And try to take more photos of your people in general when you’re together. Not for posting on social media—just to have. Support their goals. Showing up for friends means not begrudging their efforts when they are actively trying to change for the better. And if you’re feeling snarky or dismissive about your friends’ efforts to improve, remember that it probably has a lot more to do with you than it does with them, and it’s your responsibility to figure out what’s got you feeling A Way.

Ask for permission before sharing their good news with others. I have a lot of thoughts on sharing people’s bad news without their permission (more on that later!) but I think it’s equally important to check that you’re cleared to share good news about them. (Because maybe they want to be the one to communicate the news of their job offer or engagement to your friend group!) In general, it’s wise to think of people’s stories as theirs, not yours. Celebrate their wins like they’re your wins. Being truly happy for other people is a beautiful thing, and it feels great to know that your friend is truly thrilled for you. So get everyone together for a spontaneous celebratory drink, buy them flowers, or just send them a thoughtful text that communicates “I’m so happy for you; you are wonderful and deserve nothing but good things.”

Think about the purpose of your hangout. In The Art of Gathering, author Priya Parker recommends deciding why you’re getting together before you plan anything. Having an established purpose makes it easier to decide who to invite and what your activity will be, and helps you navigate issues like budget and the presence of +1s, kids, and phones. (Think about it: A book club, birthday, baby shower, and bachelor/ette party all tend to have fairly different expectations. And a casual hangout at age twenty-one might have a very different purpose or look quite different from a casual hangout at forty-five.)

Remember to honor the labor of showing up. The labor of showing up is the (often invisible!) work of caring—thinking about other people’s feelings, comfort, needs, and preferences, and knowing what to care about in the first place. The labor of showing up is sending thank-you notes; it’s figuring out whose house the family will be going to for the holidays; it’s researching a venue that can hold a group of your size; it’s planning the group vacation; it’s RSVPing; it’s coordinating the office potlucks; it’s choosing, buying, and wrapping the gift for the birthday party your five-year-old is attending. It’s what has historically been treated as “women’s work,” and, as a result, is often undervalued, overlooked, and ignored. In the context of group gatherings, the labor of showing up might look like . .

recognizing the need for a celebration or gathering starting the spreadsheet, Google Doc, or email thread bugging people to update/read the spreadsheet, Google Doc, or email thread coordinating people’s schedules and choosing a date that works for everyone calling a restaurant or venue to make a reservation for the group taking everyone’s preferences into account when planning an event (remembering who is vegetarian, who despises karaoke, who is on a tight budget, etc.) being aware of any people in the group who don’t really get along or just aren’t the best of friends responding to any requests related to a group hangout (e.g., sending your T-shirt size and money—on time!!!—to the person planning your friend’s bachelor/ette party).

At the absolute minimum, you can do two things for a friend who takes on the labor of showing up: 1) respect the work, and 2) honor the work.

Respecting the work means paying attention and giving the person coordinating the event whatever they need to make planning easier. It’s reading the email about the lake trip and responding in a timely manner. It’s sending your RSVP or paying for your share on time. It’s not staying silent while everyone researches potential themes and T-shirt designs, and then, once they’ve all decided on a hoedown theme and red tank tops, chiming in with, “Y’all: What if we did a ’90s party and got matching purple hoodies?” Honoring the work is even easier: It’s just saying thank you. “Thanks for setting up that spreadsheet!” “Thanks for taking the lead on this!” “Thank you for calling and making that reservation; I really appreciate it!” “Thank you for researching all the different T-shirt options and prices.” “Thank you for organizing this; it was so fun.” It’s truly that easy! Be as generous with your appreciation as your friend was with their time and energy.

A Modest Proposal: Take Notes When Hanging Out with Friends I’ve been invited to join my friend Julia’s Ladies Article Club on a few occasions when I’ve visited her, and it’s always such a treat! One of my favorite aspects of this hangout is that someone always takes notes during the gathering. The note-taker writes down anything that comes up in conversation that warrants some kind of follow-up—so basically, if someone mentions a product or a recipe or a podcast episode or a good Instagram account, the note-taker adds it to her list. Then she’ll start an email thread with everyone later on to collect/share the items mentioned. I’ve always thought this idea was so smart and efficient, and I’ve started doing it more when hanging out with friends—even just, like, during a coffee date. I like doing it because it’s practical, but also because writing these items down in my journal creates a mini diary entry about the hangout/the conversation. I was recently at my friend Emily’s apartment for a little friend dinner party, and when she mentioned a book she liked, I said, “Wait, I’m going to write down the stuff we talk about so I can look it up later.” I pulled out my notebook and pen, and another friend, Jess, said, “Welcome to Rachel’s meeting,” and everyone laughed. AND YET! An hour or so later, Emily asked me where my pullover and my socks were from, and when I told her, she said, “Wait, I want to write all this down,” and took out her phone and opened the Notes app. And lat...

If you want to maintain the friendship, just suck it up and commit to a big catch-up session (think: a LONG phone chat, a day or weekend spent together IRL, a long-ass email where you give the backstory and context for what’s currently happening in your life). Once that’s out of the way, commit to talking more consistently going forward.

Make time for them. Remember Shasta Nelson’s frientimacy triangle? Of course you do! And remember that consistency is one of the main components? Of course you do! (But if you don’t, go back to the triangle.) That consistency can’t happen if you don’t set aside time for it.

But also: Be creative! Perhaps talking on the phone while sitting around the house doesn’t work for you but voice chatting while you play a video game together is perfect. Maybe instead of sending a friend an email, you send them a Google Doc so they can easily comment on or reply to the things you’re sharing in-line. The point isn’t to do what other people think is “right”—it’s to find a method of communication that achieves the intended goal.

Make your text conversations more meaningful. If, for whatever reason, texting is the best way to stay in touch with someone, you can make those conversations more productive and effective. First, try aligning with your friend on how you view texting. If you have more meaningful conversations when you’re both present (like an instant-message conversation), treat it like an instant-message conversation! That might mean you only do it when you’re both in the mood and available, and it might require a more formal start to the conversation—such as asking them if they are around and have a second to chat. On the other hand, if both of you want to treat it as an asynchronous form of communication (more like email),

If I see a friend’s vacation photos, I can glean some top-level information (where they were, who they were with, the activities they did, how the weather was) that means I don’t have to ask a million basic questions later. But I’ll still ask them about it and give them space to

Ask to see photos of the people they talk about the most. I mentioned this earlier as a nice way to show up for all of your friends, but it’s just the practical choice in a long-distance friendship. When you’ll likely never meet any of the people you’re hearing so much about, or when your friend has three different coworkers named Ali, it’s so helpful to be able to keep everyone’s faces in mind.

Make plans for the future. Doing this is a clear sign of commitment, which can be incredibly reassuring if you’re worried your friend is going to drop off the face of the earth after moving to a new city. So start thinking ahead! Maybe you’ll commit to flying across the country on each other’s birthdays every single year . . . but it also doesn’t have to be that deep! You could take some of the advice above, but instead of planning to read a single book “together” right now, you could start a virtual book club where you read a book “together” every other month, or every three months.

Invite your friends into your home—even if your home isn’t clean. Allowing a person to come into your home is a very vulnerable act; doing so communicates: “I will let you see me in my most private and safe space, and I trust you not

to harm me here.”34 And this is heightened when your home isn’t party-ready—when there are dishes in the sink, when your bed is unmade, and when there are piles of laundry everywhere. Show effort.

People—particularly women—are often expected to do everything (choose outfits, make friends, get a promotion, have a clean house, raise children, have perky tits) without ever breaking a sweat. To make an effort is to admit you want or need something—that your life isn’t exactly where you want it to be. It’s difficult to do this because people aren’t always kind when they realize you’re trying really hard to do a good job or achieve a goal or be liked. But that’s exactly why it’s a good idea to make a habit of being honest about your effort in the context of vulnerability! When you show your work—and not in a humble-brag sort of way, but genuinely—you allow people to get a better sense of who you are and what you need. And you allow them to cheer you on...

Beware of inauthentic authenticity. I first came across the term “inauthentic authenticity” in Martin Lindstrom’s book Brandwashed. He talks about it in the context of retailers like Whole Foods. Think about their chalkboard signs with “messy” handwritten prices and the “rustic” wooden crates meant to invoke a roadside mom-and-pop fruit stand . . . even though the produce came from a big-ass farm hundreds of miles away.

Be generous in telling them how you feel about them. “I really miss you.” “I’m worried about you.” “I appreciate you.” “Your friendship means so much to me.” “I love you.” And, as my friend Gyan has taught me, “Be specific with your compliments. Your friends deserve to know exactly why they’re important to the world.”

Being noticed feels good. Think about a time when someone remembered your favorite color; referenced a joke you’d made earlier; followed up on something minor you mentioned the last time you saw them; or complimented you on a seemingly tiny detail that you put a ton of thought into. It’s thrilling, right? Being noticed can genuinely make someone’s day, foster warmth and positivity, and turn casual pals into close friends. Noticing isn’t about obsessively reading into every little

mindfulness, Susan David makes a suggestion in Emotional Agility that I found helpful; she recommends making sense of mindfulness by looking at its opposite: mindlessness. Mindlessness is, she writes, “the state of unawareness and autopilot. You’re not really present. Instead you’re relying too heavily on rigid rules or shopworn distinctions that haven’t been thought through.”

Meditation, spending time in nature, and monotasking helped me the most. But from there, it’s about just doing the thing. If you want to be more mindful in your friendships, try this exercise: Aim to observe one new detail every time you hang out with a friend. It could be the shape of their nails, where they part their hair, a word they use a lot, or something about their values or preferences. (But don’t comment on what you notice! Just quietly observe.)

Know what you’re looking for. The point of noticing is to better understand who your people are and what they need. That means being able to identify things like . . . basic details (where they are from, when their birthday is, who the most important people in their life are) important life experiences and things they consider core to their identity their sense of humor their preferences their priorities their values their routines their physical appearance how they are likely to react in various situations how they are feeling in a given moment what they want or expect from other people—in general, and in specific situations.

Great memories are learned. At the most basic level, we remember when we pay attention. We remember when we are deeply engaged. We remember when we are able to take a piece of information and experience, and figure out why it is meaningful to us, why it is significant, why it’s colorful, when we’re able to transform it in some way that makes sense in the light of all of the other things floating around in our minds.36

Tell someone about it. Recounting information to other people is a great study trick, and it works here, too. Obviously you shouldn’t recap your friends’ personal business to others, but repeating small details—like their spouse’s name, how many kids they have, their hometown, and so on—to your roommate or spouse when you get home from your hangout will help you remember it. Put their birthday and other meaningful days in their life (wedding anniversary, kids’ birthdays) on your calendar.

The goal of noticing, processing, and naming is to spot patterns.