The Art of Showing Up: How to Be There for Yourself and Your People

by Rachel Wilkerson Miller

The shift response Friend: I’m so exhausted all the time. You: Ugh, me too. I haven’t been sleeping well at all lately. The support response Friend: I’m so exhausted all the time. You: Oh? Are you not sleeping well lately, or do you think there’s some other cause? Offering more support responses and fewer shift responses is a good conversational habit in general, but it’s especially wise to be conscious of this when your friend is going through a tough time.

“How can I best support you right now?” This is my all-time favorite question when a friend is dealing with something difficult (or is simply stressed out). I like it because it communicates “I am here for you” while also saying “and I care about you enough to get this right.” It acknowledges that everyone is different and invites the individual to tell you what they need from you personally. It also shows humility; when you ask this question, you communicate “I don’t necessarily know best, and I’m open to feedback.” Finally, it gives them an opening to subtly steer you away from any of your default responses that aren’t going to be helpful to them at the moment (e.g., they can say “I need you to be my rock” if they know you tend to get really emotional).

soft. “Friend, I have so much faith in you, but this is really terrible/sad/overwhelming, and you’re allowed to feel terrible/sad/overwhelmed for a while.”

Focus on the food. If your friend is struggling, ask them if they are eating and/or remind them to eat. Tragedy, trauma, and illness can wreak havoc on eating habits, and your friend genuinely may not realize they haven’t eaten all day. If they are having trouble nourishing themselves, you can offer to bring them dinner (or just a smoothie); have takeout delivered; drop off some groceries (or arrange delivery); and/or organize a meal train.

Reaching Out to an Old Friend During a Crisis If you and a friend have fallen out of touch, you might feel conflicted about what to do if you learn through the grapevine (or social media) that they are going through a tough time. My advice: Unless there is a lot of bad blood, or they told you never to speak to them again, you should do something. I think it’s best to reach out in a way that is low-key or that gives them a little more space, particularly if you had some kind of falling out. Receiving a card or an email with a kind, thoughtful message—written by someone who once knew them well—can be incredibly meaningful for someone going through a rough time, and they’ll likely recognize and appreciate the risk you took in reaching out.

Shut down shitty jokes and comments. My two favorite responses for these moments come from Alison Green of Ask a Manager: “I hope you aren’t saying that because you think I/we agree with you” and “I hope you don’t mean that like it sounds.” Elegant, direct, effective.

“This is for flowers” tells them “This is for you to buy something lovely.” “Snacks/wine/bourbon” is code for “Something comforting to consume.” “Seamless” or “Dinners this week” clearly means “Foodstuffs of any sort.” And “Ubers/Lyfts” translates to “Something to make your life slightly more convenient.” When in doubt, you can always add a “Because I can’t do this for you IRL” to it, as in, “Because I can’t be there to do X for you, use this to pay for Y.”

you can always return to the four basic steps: noticing, processing, naming, and responding. Whenever you’re feeling lost in a friendship, showing up—for them, for yourself, for both of you—is a compass that will guide you on your way.

Radical candor, the brainchild of Kim Scott (who worked at Google and has consulted for several other big tech companies), is direct communication that is rooted in caring personally. It’s mostly used as a framework for management/leadership, but I’ve found it even more useful in my personal relationships. Scott explains radical candor via a matrix. At the top is “care personally.” On the right side is “challenge directly.” In the four quadrants, moving clockwise from the far-left corner, you’ll find ruinous empathy, radical candor, obnoxious aggression, and manipulative insincerity.

Radical candor happens when you are willing to speak honestly about how you perceive a situation because you care about the person and genuinely want the best for them. It’s saying, “Honestly, yeah—I think you had a few too many last night. I know Ari was pretty upset about your behavior, and to be honest, I don’t think they are wrong. You might want to think about apologizing to them, and also to Sasha, who you were pretty nasty to, and Quinn, who called you a cab because you couldn’t find your phone.”

I love radical candor because it aligns so well with two of my core values: sincerity and compassion. It’s important to me that the people in my life know they can trust me—that my word is good, that I mean what I say. When I think about radical candor in relationships, the word that comes to mind is gentle. It’s not about being harsh or aggro to get through to people, or doing a big performative takedown. You don’t have to say, “Yeah, buddy, we’ve all watched you slide down this booze-filled slope since

One of my favorite bits of wisdom is “The only way out is through the door.” I think of it whenever I or someone I know is spending a lot of time and energy trying to think of a creative solution to handle a problem that can really only be solved one way: by having a straightforward conversation.

Alternatives for other scenarios: “All of this negativity is sucking the joy out of what used to be a really fun space.” “These comments aren’t funny and are, in fact, incredibly concerning.” “This behavior is creepy and really, really not OK.” “These comments are so cruel they make me question your character, and I’m not comfortable being around you right now.” And if the person isn’t making you personally uncomfortable, definitely talk to the person who raised the issue and find out what exactly they’re OK with you sharing. They may be fine with your saying, “You’ve been really nasty to Quinn lately and it’s not cool” . . . but they may prefer you go with a more vague option like, “You’ve made a lot of really mean comments during our past few hangouts, and folks were getting fed up with it.” That said, try not to pass the buck too much here; it might be wise to add “and I can see why” or otherwise communicate that

What to say “You’re right. I have been [doing that thing], and that was [unkind/immature/uncool/shitty] of me. The truth is, I’ve been pretty upset about [thing you’re upset about].” Then—non-defensively!!!—offer an honest explanation for your behavior. This isn’t about justification; it’s about helping them understand how you got here. So, that might be something like . . . “I didn’t have the guts to talk to you directly about it.” “I was hoping these feelings would go away once I had a little time/space to process them.” “I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to handle it.” “I was planning to say something to you this weekend over coffee.” “I didn’t realize it was affecting how I treat you.” “I was afraid to talk to you about it because the last time

Try something vague like, “I’ve honestly been pretty frustrated about a couple of things that have happened recently. I’d been planning to talk to you about it soon but now isn’t the right time; I’d like to gather my thoughts a bit. But maybe we can make some time to discuss at [a soonish date/time/planned hangout]?”

What to say “Friend, this wasn’t easy to hear, but I’m really glad you were honest with me—I know that was probably a hard thing to do, and I’m grateful you did it. You’re completely right that I [said something cruel/dropped the ball/let you down/have been acting like a brat lately]. I’m really sorry I hurt you. My behavior was so thoughtless, and you didn’t deserve it. I’m incredibly embarrassed but I want you to know that I’m doing [XYZ] to make sure this never happens again.”

The whole experience was, to me, exactly what showing up looks like in practice. It’s doing mundane tasks, like going to the doctor, even when you don’t want to. It’s saying, “You need to get help,” to someone you love. It’s listening to your people when they tell you it’s time to talk to a professional. It’s not pretending to be chill when you’re actually quite worried. It isn’t easy or sexy or fun; it’s often inconvenient and potentially very expensive and incredibly vulnerable. It doesn’t usually happen in ways that end with a dramatic “and that changed my life.” Sometimes, it’s just going to a boring-ass doctor’s office and answering some questions and getting some tests run and then going home. But not everything has to be super high-stakes or avert a tragedy

Each time we show up for ourselves or for someone else, it’s like we’re turning on a single bulb in a strand of Christmas lights. A bulb can be anything: a text, a hug, a pair of pajamas, a puzzle. Occasionally, we’ll get to make a grand gesture that illuminates several bulbs at once, but for the most part, showing up is done one small, quiet act by small, quiet act. Every single day is a new opportunity to show up—to be curious, connected, soft, brave; to create a kinder, healthier, lovelier world. My wish for you is that you’ll take each chance you’re given, no matter how small. Because when more of us show up for ourselves and each other regularly, the more lights we collectively turn on, and over time, we’ll create a connected line that glows brightly, lighting the way when life gets dark.