A Libertarian Walks Into a Bear: The Utopian Plot to Liberate an American Town (And Some Bears)

by Matthew Hongoltz-Hetling

“Government isn’t ruining capitalism. Capitalism is ruining government. I think that’s kind of obvious,” he says. “If you take capitalism out of government you get simple public representation. If you take government out of capitalism, you get slavery.”

“What’s the endgame of capitalism, if not a big fat white man sitting on top of a pile of bloody bones with no one around him, crying because nobody’s around to make him a sandwich?”

“These assholes,” he rants, “these idiots who walk around open-carry, when there’s no reason to be open-carrying. You’re making people uncomfortable. You’re making them anti-gun. You’re making them vote against guns. You’re costing us our fucking gun rights. You’re not being responsible. You think you’re a fucking cowboy who likes to walk around with a gun on his hip because it makes you feel like you’ve got a big dick. No. No. Put that under your fucking jacket. If you really feel you need one, put it under your fucking jacket like a normal human being. Respect other people’s sensibilities.”

“I live with fuckin’ bears. I need my gun,” he says. “You know what I’m saying. Just in case, I need my fucking gun. And if I lose my gun rights, I’m not going after the fucking liberals, I’m going after the gun nuts who provoke the liberals into doing it in the first fucking place.”

Hmmm. Her bears.

I am losing my fucking shit right now

As it became evident that the cloud of self-defeating chaos enveloping Pendarvis was persistent, some libertarians speculated that he was actually a federal agent provocateur working to infiltrate and bring down extremist groups.

Aren't they all.

If that’s true, it would suggest that Grafton’s miserly approach to public spending didn’t necessarily cause unhappiness among its residents. Rather, the low tax rate may have been a predictable outcome for a town that had, over the years, become a haven for miserable people.