How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t with Your Kids: Effective strategies for stressed out parents

by Carla Naumburg

losing your shit with your kids

You don’t have to fix your triggers or eliminate them altogether. Rather, I want you to focus on Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.

I realize this is a lot to dump on a busy parent’s plate, so for the sake of your sanity, we’ll start with four nonnegotiables: single-tasking, sleep, support, and self-compassion.

Stress is the belief, feeling, or thought that we cannot handle whatever is happening.

Judging, comparing, stressing, worrying, or fantasizing about who your child is or isn’t, what they may or may not accomplish someday, or where they are or aren’t developmentally is an insidious method of multitasking and an all-too-common cause of

Pay attention to your child; be cool with who your kid is right now and what they can do right now. If you can’t do that, get someone else to teach them how to ride a bike. That’s a totally legit option. Either way, as soon as you realize that your mind is doing one thing and your body is doing something else, do what you can to get them back on the same track.

Ignore the kids. I’m not kidding. Teach and encourage them to entertain themselves. Let them be bored; it really is good for them. You don’t have to be constantly attentive to your child, and you sure as hell don’t need to involve yourself in their play.

If you’ve been practicing multitasking for a while now (which you have), your brain will get kind of itchy when you try to slow it down.

GET READY FOR BED BEFORE YOU’RE TOO TIRED TO GET READY FOR BED. Have you ever noticed how much harder it is to get your kiddo into his pajamas when he’s exhausted? Well, same goes for you. There’s a reason why it’s so damn hard to get off your couch once you’ve gotten settled in for the evening, and it’s not because you’re lazy or the force of gravity is stronger in your living room. It’s because you’re exhausted, and an exhausted brain has a hard time motivating you to do even the most basic tasks, like brushing your teeth. So do yourself a favor and get everyone’s pajamas on and teeth brushed as early in the evening as you can. It will make it easier to get to bed when the time comes.

Even if you are a professional teacher, therapist, pediatrician, or camp director, it is not your job to teach, treat, or constantly entertain your kids. This sort of role confusion will increase the stress in your family and deprive your children of the opportunity to learn from others. Find the experts you trust and let them do their jobs.

Owning your style and your shit will help you choose the right pro team (if and when you have a choice), and it will help you find your peeps.

SHOW UP. If you want to connect with your crew, you need to show up for them. Schedule your kids’ medical appointments so you can take them instead of their nanny or grandmother. That’s how you get to know your pro team. Pick your kids up from school if you can, and hang out on the sidelines at practice instead of sitting in the car and staring at your phone; that’s where you’ll find your crew. And if you’re looking for more peeps, get your tushy to that Ultimate Frisbee game or religious service or book group. Go to your friend’s fund-raiser. Drop off a meal for a neighbor who just had a baby. Text a silly GIF to a fellow parent who’s having a rough day. The more you show up, the more connected you will feel to the people in your life, and the more connected they will feel to you.

Repeat after me: It’s OK to say no.

The alternative is to spread yourself way too thin, do too much for too many people and get yourself all stressed out and triggered and then come home and lose your shit all over your kids. So don’t do that. Say no. Or no thank you. Or I’m sorry, I can’t. Or I can’t right now, but please ask again. Or just plain no. No. No. No. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your kids.

Don’t ignore it, don’t get sucked into it, and for goodness’ sake, don’t beat yourself up for beating yourself up.

Metta means “loving-kindness,” and the practice comes from the Buddhist tradition. However, it is completely secular, or it can be adapted to your own spiritual or religious practices. Metta is the silent repetition of kind wishes to yourself and others. There are several variations, but here’s what I say: May I be happy. May I be healthy. Maybe I be safe. May I live with ease.

Go easy on the kids’ extracurriculars. A good rule of thumb is two activities per week. You choose one, and your kiddo chooses one.

Social media works for some folks but not everyone. The next time you find yourself scrolling and tapping, pay attention to how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking. Do you feel happier and more connected? Or are you feeling anxious, confused, annoyed, or otherwise triggered? Such responses are reasonable given the nature of social media; you never know when you’re going to scroll your way into a Perfect Parent Picture or news of an untimely death or an awful headline that might not even be accurate or current but triggers you nonetheless.

The trick is noticing when your mind is misbehaving in the first place.

Are you mucking around in an unpleasant memory, imagining something that may never happen, or judging yourself or your child in ways that aren’t helpful? From there, can you get a little perspective on your thoughts and simply notice that they’re happening? Can you remind yourself that thoughts aren’t reality, and you don’t have to treat them as such?

Slow Down YOU’RE NOT AS LATE AS YOU THINK

Finding something to appreciate calms my anxiety and frustration, focuses my thinking, helps me get perspective, and makes it way less likely that I’ll explode at my kids.

The key move for each of these practices is noticing. Notice that you’re exhausted, or doing thirteen things at once, or scrambling when you have plenty of time, or that you’ve been holding your breath for the better part of a decade. Noticing is crucial; if you’re not aware of what’s happening, you can’t make the choice to do something differently.

Today’s parents spend more time with their children than any previous generation. This is true even for those parents with full-time jobs. At first glance, all of this quality time may seem like a good thing, but I’m not so sure. A strong, flexible connection isn’t about constant togetherness. Think about the people you love most in the world other than your kids—your spouse, siblings, parents, or best friends. Do you want to spend every waking minute with them? Do you want them up in your face all the time, asking if you need help with something or if they can join your game? Unless you’re still in the honeymoon phase, the answer is probably NOPE. You want to see them regularly, maybe take a vacation, go for a walk, or enjoy a meal together, but you also want time apart, to hang out with other friends or just be alone with your thoughts, a good book, or favorite hobby.

If someone you trust offers to take your children for an hour or a day or a weekend, accept the help.

Don’t give a happy child ice cream.

Here are some possible responses to the dreaded phrase “I’m bored”: “Thanks for the update!” “If you need something to do, you can always clean your room / take out the garbage / feed the dog / [insert chore of choice here].” “I know you’ll figure something out.” “I’m Mom/Dad. Nice to meet you!”

is not your job to make your child happy. It is your job to keep them as safe as possible, and to help them mature and grow into reasonably functional adults.

If noticing is a shift in your awareness, then pausing is a shift in your behavior.

There is no reason to punish yourself for losing your shit with your kids.

Curiosity is a crucial first step, and for the best results, take yourself seriously. Don’t blow yourself off. Don’t realize you haven’t peed in twelve hours and then not freaking pee.

If you notice that you’re barreling through your days feeling lonely, stressed, or overwhelmed, talk to someone. Reach out for some support.

connection before redirection.

You don’t have to say you’re sorry for feeling cranky or frustrated or exhausted or anything else. There is absolutely nothing wrong with any emotion, ever, no matter how yucky it may feel. You may, however, need to apologize for your behavior.