The Best Thing

by Mariana Zapata

I knew it was a shitty idea to click on the link on my home screen.

She was my seven-pound, eight-ounce surprise when she’d been born. The instant love of my life. The best thing I ever did.

“Grandpa Gus is gonna go kill somebody. You wanna come with me? You wanna help bury your daddy?”

I was not going to waste my life being pissed off at someone. I had better shit to do. People didn’t give enough credit to what not giving a fuck could do for you. It was freedom.

“I don’t have titties, Lenny. They’re still flat, and you know I work hard to keep them that way. And you know what? I don’t know where I went wrong with you. I swear, I don’t know—”

“I was taller than most of the boys and almost all the girls for a long time. Now, I just kind of wish I was shorter.” “Why?” “It’s hard to find pants that fit,” I told him honestly. I was an inch too tall. It was a curse.

I’d remember the next words out of his mouth every day of my life. I would remember them each time I thought I had no idea what I was doing being a mom. Jonah Collins squeezed my hand. That muscular shoulder rolled upward, and he said, in a rough voice, gripping my fingers tight, “What a gift you’ve given me, Lenny.”

When life throws bad shit at you, you dodge it and throw whatever you can right back.

I went up to my tiptoes and pressed my lips together for a second. “I like him more than I should, Peter. I don’t like it.”

“I still sleep on the left side of the bed even without you, Lenny.” Some primal part of my brain that knew all about survival didn’t want to believe what he was implying. Saying. It wanted to cry bullshit.

“I don’t ask you to lunch because I want to just see Mo. I want to see you too. I want to be your friend again. I want to be more than your friend. I want to be more than any other friend you’ve ever had before or ever will.”

“I know we need to go in, but let me cuddle you a minute, yeh?” What was I going to say? No? And so Jonah cuddled me—hugged me—a minute.

Should’ve, would’ve, could’ve. One of my coaches had told me once that those were the most pointless set of words in the world. But you learn to live with them, you learn from them, or you let them weigh you down for life.

It’s easy for people to love you when you’re doing things for them, when they get something out of it. But it isn’t so easy to find people who will still love you when you’re down and need help getting up. That’s when you really find out who’s with you for the right reasons.

Life was short. You either took what you wanted or you didn’t. You either regretted not doing something or you regretted failing. Not doing something would keep me up at night. But it was failing that I could laugh at eventually and get over.

“We outgrow clothes the same way we outgrow people, Len. We change inside the same way we do outside.”

I went right into it. “My grandpa and Peter have been in a relationship for the last twenty-eight years.” My body prepared…. And all Jonah said was, “Yeh, I know.” What? “What do you mean you know?” “I know. I assumed,” he said easily, not sounding even the slightest bit surprised. “They live in the same house together, share a room, always sit next to one another. I’ve seen how they look at each other. Those comments your granddad’s ex was hinting at helped too. I hoped you would tell me when you were ready. I couldn’t imagine how hard it must be for them to keep it a secret, but I understand why they’ve had to. It made me a bit sad the first time I thought about it, Lenny.” How observant was this son of a bitch? It really didn’t throw him off at all, because the next thing I knew, he said, “I’m excited to be part of this circle finally.”

“Jonah, I’m gay. Is that going to be a problem?” Peter’s head immediately swiveled in my direction, and we made eye contact. Yeah, he’d gone there. And it was while I was processing that, that the man sitting beside me said, “You’re a bit older than what I’m usually interested in, but….” I was already snorting by the time Grandpa Gus shook his head and started walking out of the living room, calling out behind him, “You two deserve each other. Goodnight.”

Do what you have to do to be happy, okay? No one else is going to do it for you.”