Heart Bones

by Colleen Hoover

I wonder what kind of upbringing is worse for a human. The kind where you’re sheltered and loved to the point that you aren’t aware of how cruel the world can be until it’s too late to acquire the necessary coping skills, or the kind of household I grew up in. The ugliest version of a family, where coping is the only thing you learn.

I've always had this thought myself. I grew up in a balanced household. We were very poor, but rich in love. Sometimes I see people rise up from the worst situations, and their perseverance amazes me. I wanted Beyah to be this kind of person.

The nicest thing my mother has ever done for me is die.

I had a friend say this to me once and it stuck with me. I had to let it out into this book.

“Beyah,” he says, pronouncing my name with a long e. “It’s pronounced Bay-uh.”

I added this conversation because every person who read the book as it was being released paused to ask me how to pronounce it. I thought it would be helpful to have someone pronounce it in the book so readers wouldn't be wondering throughout the whole story. I'm not sure I've ever heard the name before, but as I was trying to come up with a name for Beyah, I liked the name Bea, but in my head I kept pronouncing it Beyah instead of Bee, so I changed the spelling.

I'm not like Beyah in any sense. I grew up in a household where I experienced very little damage, so I had to step outside of my comfort zone to create her character. I think Beyah experienced so little kindness in her life, she only had damaging things that shaped her. I think the small acts of kindness everyone showed her over the summer probably changed her thoughts about this a little. Volleyball scene? Yeah, that probably stained her soul, too. :)

I can't imagine how this would feel. I've always had a place that felt like home. I would imagine if you've never had that, you would have to find your home in other people.

I write about sunrises and sunsets a lot, it seems. They're a central theme in this book, but also in Maybe Now. There's nothing prettier to me than a colorful sunset. I always feel so appreciative, so I think these descriptions are really how I feel about them.

I take the ferries from Galveston to Bolivar a lot. I always get a sense of dread when the Dedman ferry is the one we're placed on. Ominous.

I named a character Marcos because my assistant has a son named Marcos, and also because a reader suggested it on Instagram. I use names of the people around me for my side characters all the time.

I wholeheartedly believe this. There's nothing more soothing to my soul than the ocean. It pains me to think of people who have never experienced it in person. If you've never been to the ocean, try to get there. Any ocean.

My cousin and I used to do this when we were kids and our mothers would take us with them to the grocery store. We would grab food off the shelf and sit on the floor and chat near the eggs in Walmart. We hated grocery shopping, but we loved our cousin time.

Why, though? WHY DO HUMANS DO THIS? We should all collectively put a stop to this nonsense.

I didn't want to write Sara to be a mean step-sister. Beyah had been through enough. I wanted her to be supported and loved and given all the things she never felt she had. I loved that before Sara even met her, she wanted good things for Beyah. Sara was kind to her core, and Beyah needed to see that in someone and feel that support. This is one of my favorite lines in the book. It's so simple, but really laid the foundation for the type of person Sara was.

The name of this dog. I posted about this while I was in the process of writing this book. It was a dream I had. Below is the original facebook post explaining where this name came from...and possibly why Beyah plays volleyball. Colleen Hoover AtSmpmpmroclrnoilsorie2id3· Shared with Public I will preface this by saying I do not have a daughter, and our school does not have a volleyball team, so that should have been my first clue that this was just a dream. I was sitting in my office and this girl comes out of my bathroom holding three pregnancy tests. They were all positive and she was crying and she was like, "I'm sorry, mom. I'm so sorry!" I knew she was my daughter and I knew she was only fifteen, so while I was SO pissed at her, I was also scared for her, so I hugged her and sat her on the couch with me. And I said, "How did this happen? You aren't even old enough to date." And she said, "It was after a volleyball game out of town." And I asked her who the father was and she said, "Mike." And then suddenly, Levi, Cale and Beckham walked into the room and they were all, "We're gonna kick Mike's ass! Who is he?" And she said, "We go to school with him. He's the kid no one likes." And they were like, "Mom, he's the worst! He's going to make the worst dad!" But I was still so upset at the thought of being a grandmother at only 40, so I was in shock and I was angry. And then in walks my mother, and she wanted to talk to me in private. When I left my daughter and my boys in the other room, my mom whispered, "What's her name? I don't remember you having a daughter." I said, "I don't know. I thought I had all boys. I feel bad but I can't remember her name!" Mom said, "Me neither. Let's look for her contact in our phones." So we're sitting there, feeling really guilty because we've neglected my daughter for the past fifteen years to the point that we couldn't even remember her name. Mom said, "I feel so bad. She's just so quiet, you forget she's even there." And then for some reason, my daughter's volleyball coach walks into the house and I scream at him and say, "This is all your fault! How could she have been left unsupervised?!" And he said, "Who?" I said, "My daughter! She's pregnant and it happened at a ballgame!" He said, "I thought you only had boys. Which one is your daughter?" And shamefully, I said, "I can't remember her name." And he said, "Then she's probably not your daughter. But we're in quarantine, so just keep pretending she's your daughter. Maybe quarantine will end before she gives birth." And I said, "I'm sorry I yelled at you. You're right. Maybe they'll let us out before she gives birth, but until then, we have to figure out her name." And my mom said, "Let's just call her Pepper Jack Cheese. She'll think it's a cute nickname." Then I felt better for some reason and that's all I remember. *I woke up this morning and immediately typed this dream into my notes because it was one of the most vivid nightmares I've ever had, and also because I didn't want to forget the name Pepper Jack Cheese because I'm absolutely naming a dog that in the book I'm writing now.

I love the ocean. But I don't go in it. Ever. It freaks me out. I'll respect her from the entrance, but I will not enter.

Fun fact that has nothing to do with this scene: I roofed houses for a summer with my uncle Mike when I was sixteen. I handled it pretty well until he roofed a three-story house. When I got to the top, my legs stopped working. I couldn't move. I had never felt fear like that in my life, so I think I'm afraid of heights. I spent that particular project doing what I could to help him from the ground.

I loved that Samson clarified this. He wanted Beyah to know he wasn't ashamed of kissing her like Dakota was, and it was such a simple way for him to say that without addressing it directly.

If this ever becomes a movie, I hope this scene and this sentence stays. I don't know why it's one of my favorites.

I added this in at the last minute. I felt something intimate was missing from this scene, but I didn't want it to be typically intimate. All he did was write her name in the sand, but to me, it's the small moments like this in books I tend to prefer more than the grand gestures.

Red Lobster was the nicest place around when I was growing up. It's where everyone took their prom dates. It's where my husband took me. It's still where my husband and I go to celebrate things. :) Nothing fancier or better than a warm Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

I liked that Samson was hiding things, but he was open about that with Beyah. He might not have told her the truth about some aspects of his life, but it wasn't because he didn't want to. And I liked that Beyah could sense that, yet she didn't push him for answers. I think it's a major part of the reason Samson fell for her. She accepted he had secrets, but still wanted to know him despite not knowing all of him.

I think Samson knew in this moment that he was in trouble. He was falling for Beyah and he knew it wasn't going to end well.

I felt Beyah needed to hear this from someone. I think she held a lot of guilt for the things she did in her life, but Samson knows better than anyone that just because you do things that are wrong or that you feel guilty for doing, doesn't mean your choice comes from a negative place. We're all just trying our best to survive until we die.

I live about six hours from Bolivar Peninsula, but we've visited a lot over the years. Before Ike and after Ike. It was unreal what the hurricane did to this place. I remember I got the idea for Heart Bones as I was visiting there with my cousin in 2014. It had been six years since Ike, but there was still debris and destruction in areas where they hadn't been able to rebuild yet. We took a golf cart to an area near rollover pass, and I remember seeing pieces of a boat buried in the dunes and wondering what happened to the owner. There were a lot of little things I witnessed during my visits there that ended up being put into this book.

Writing this book knowing Samson's backstory made all the little things he said like even harder to write. He was lonely, and these small things were his way of telling Beyah that without telling her the whole truth. There's another spot earlier on in the book where Beyah asks him what he does all day and he says, "I just try to be invisible." He was being so truthful with her in that moment, but she didn't realize it at the time.

I've experienced a wide spectrum of incomes throughout my life. We grew up extremely poor, but I was ignorant to that because my parents made up for what we didn't have by giving us so much love. And even in the twelve years my husband and I struggled financially before I became a writer, digging through couch cushions to avoid gas money, I was never unhappy with my life. Now that I have a career that provides for our family, I've realized there is nothing more fulfilling than the people in your life. I was just as happy living in my single wide trailer as I am now. There's obviously less stress now because I don't have to worry like I used to about how I'm going to feed my children or keep the water and lights turned on. But whether they had Red Lobster or Vienna sausage, they were loved and we were happy. And I can truly say from experiencing it all, it's the people in your life that really determines your happiness. Hands down.

This outdoor shower scene was a scene I rewrote several times. I didn't want it to be a sexy scene. I wanted it to be meaningful. Samson had just experienced something traumatic, even though we didn't realize it at the time. And even though Beyah didn't know what exactly was happening, she knew it affected him. I liked that she knew there was something more to the story, but didn't push to know what. She just wanted to be there for Samson, and in this scene, her way of being there for him was to show him she cared and help him wash the experience off his hands.

I struggled with this scene. It's the moment Samson saw Beyah playing volleyball on the beach with three other guys. I was afraid it might be too cheesy, but when I mentioned to my mother I was thinking of deleting this whole scene, she yelled at me. It was her favorite scene in the book. So if you liked the volleyball scene, thank my mother.

This is the scene right after Samson and Beyah get out of the shower after her volleyball game. I think this is the moment Samson realized he was falling in love with her. He wanted to remember that somehow, because he knew there was a chance she wouldn't be in his life for much longer.

I loved that he only wanted a tattoo that she would like. He didn't even care what it was. It was all about her in this moment, and I think this is when Beyah realized they weren't in the shallow end anymore.

This is one of my favorite moments with Sara. I loved how casual Alana was about this, and that Sara was shocked her mother knew Marcos spent the night.

This conversation was important to me. I wanted Samson to be honest with her without revealing anything. I didn't want him to share this intimate moment with her while also being secretive. It was imperative to me that his actions could be something Beyah looked back on and could appreciate, even after the truth came out. Samson didn't want Beyah to feel like she had been duped in this moment, so he was giving her a very easy out.

Maybe we both grew heart bones.”

I wrote this scene early on, years ago, when outlining this book. It was originally more of a casual conversation they had about love in the beginning of the book. But I ended up moving it because I wanted the conversation to hold more meaning to them since it eventually became the title of the book.

This scene is the reason I pushed the release date back. I had originally written this scene with Beyah and her father visiting Samson together. Samson was a completely different person in this scene. He was mean to Beyah. Mean to Beyah's father. He thought pushing her away would make her angry enough to leave him and go to college. This was actually one of the first scenes I wrote in this whole book. I based the entire book around this scene, and when I finally got to it, it just didn't sit right with me. I had to put the book down for a week after finishing it and walk away from it and come back to it with fresh eyes. Sometimes a writer can be so married to a scene, it's hard to divorce it and throw it out of the book, or change it to where it's unrecognizable. But I needed Samson to be true to his character in this moment more than any other. He wouldn't have acted the way I originally wrote the scene. It didn't align with his character and it made the rest of the book harder to accept. So I pushed the due date, rewrote this scene and ended up rewriting everything that came after it. I'm very happy I did that. Sometimes it takes walking away, not writing, and then coming back with a fresh set of eyes to see where you went wrong.

This moment. I knew how this book was going to end before I even wrote it, and I couldn't wait to get to this moment. I love that he truly only cared about what was best for her.